MAN BEARD BLOG

Man Beards: The Beards

2010-07-26T15:53:00.006-04:00

Bearded Dave from Ireland recently wrote to alert Man Beard Blog to the fine work of The Beards, an Australian folk-rock band that exclusively perform songs about just one subject: Beards. Holy shit! These guys are everything that rock stars should be! Every member of this band is a Man Beard, without a doubt.

glorious!

2009-08-19T12:24:00.002-04:00

When we first touched on the topic of non-human primate Man Beards, someone was forgotten:

Man Beard Blog: new lows?

2009-08-11T13:27:00.002-04:00

These are the kinds of emails you get when you run MAN BEARD BLOG:

Dear Adspar,

Men's grooming is no longer exclusive to a guy's face – as we see everyday in celebrity images, male grooming now encompasses everything from the hair on their toes to the cowlick on their heads, and everywhere in between. Celebrities today offer a wide range of male grooming examples: Jake Gyllenhaal with his sexy stubble, David Beckham with his smooth pecs, Diddy and his affinity for manscaping, etc.

Philips Norelco is proud to step up to this total body grooming trend with a line of products that allows men to customize the full gamut of their body hair. Here are two of the newest grooming tools to help men achieve a sexy, customized look.

Philips Norelco Stubble Trimmer is the first of its kind in the United States and allows men to maintain a signature level of facial hair with unbelievably precise cutting.The perfect stubble, normally, is nearly impossible to maintain without a constant routine of shaving, growing, shaving, growing, but now this sexy look can be easily achieved and maintained with the introduction of the Philips Norelco Stubble Trimmer - available August 13.

Though guys can usually find any excuse to avoid the barbershop, they can now customize their look in the ease and comfort of their own homes. The Philips Norelco 180 Degree Clipper has a head that rotates for easy DIY hair cuts - even in the hard to reach places around the neck and ears. Hair length can also be fully customized with 10 adjustable length settings and 2 combs - for either an even buzz cut or just a little off the top.

Dean Holcombe, Creative Director at Cutler Salons in NYC, is available to discuss the fully flaring stubble trend, as well as give tips on how to most effectively use the hair clippers.

Please let me know if you are interested in scheduling a meeting with Dean or would like more information on either of the products.

Best,
Tanya

Tanya Rynders
Assistant Account Executive
a: 1675 Broadway, New York, NY 10019
o: 212-468-3628
e: Tanya.Rynders@mslworldwide.com
w: mslworldwide.com

Wow.

Death of a Man Beard?

2009-06-28T21:16:00.004-04:00

This guy just died and my inbox is overflowing with mourners saying he deserves a Man Beard Tribute. I can't properly eulogize Billy Mays since I've never heard of him before just now, but send me stories about the man or his beard and I'll post them.

Phillips Norelco Bodygroom+ Product Review: The Shame

2009-01-09T12:31:00.005-05:00

by: Zac the intern

[founder's note: Here is the first review in what will hopefully eventually be a series of 3. We were a little premature with our triumphant declaration that we had obtained 3 devices. MAN BEARD BLOG is an international organization, and while our American operation was a success, our Canadian cell has encountered unexpected delays in its attempts to secure two devices. Stay tuned for further updates. -a]

It's like body hair covert ops. Inside the box was my mission, should I choose to accept it—one that would surely challenge the curly fiber of my being. The Philips Norelco Bodygroom+ 2030.

Miyamoto Musashi, the great samurai philosopher and part-time Man Beard, wrote in his Book of the Five Rings that the first step to preparing for war is to understand your enemy. Man Beard has many enemies. One of the biggest, of course, is Baby Face. Often supported by wives and girlfriends, evil Dr. Baby-Face has a vast arsenal of razors, tweezers, trimmers and clippers. With his newest contraption, Dr. Baby-Face hopes to inflict hairlessness on not just Man Beard, but Man Body-Hair. Through great peril, Man Beard Blog has obtained a sample of this implement of torture, and, according to the way of the samurai, my mission is to investigate the new Philips Norelco Bodygroom+.

I will document my experiments with this device now.

From the box, I lift the razor, with all its coterie of grooming gimmicks. With one hand I tear the packaging apart and with the other I shield my eyes from the blasphemy: www.shaveeverywhere.com. How vile and feminine are the "hypoallergenic shaving foils" and "five position comb"! I lock the washroom door ashamedly.

Immediately, I'm taken aback by the intelligent design of the bastard. Our enemy is clever: all of the unused attachments and heads fit neatly, hidden away, inside the removable recharger base of the product. It's like the razor itself is undercover, painted black and disguised. Or maybe it too is ashamed.

The first instruction on the box, which I immediately disregard, is to only use the trimmer below the chin. If the tool is good enough for my crotch, I figure, it must certainly be good enough for my face. I attack my dirty goatee with reckless abandon. Hair falls easily and painlessly into the sink and with the interchangeable heads and adjustable trimmer depths, I can take off or leave exactly how much I want.

In the past, electric razors have always been a problem for my neck. They seem to take some hair, but mostly remove layers of skin leaving a bloody, irritated mess. The Philips Norelco Bodygroom+ did not do this. Being gentle enough for the crotch, it's certainly gentle enough for the face and neck.

It crosses my mind that perhaps Philips Norelco doesn't want you to use this product on your face for a number of reasons. First, if you start with your nethers, they don't want to be responsible for you infecting your face with whatever is going on down there. Second, they might be hoping that you'll purchase this product for downstairs and another, more expensive Philips Norelco product for your visage. Or maybe, just maybe, Dr. Baby Face is respecting his long time opponent, Man Beard Blog, and settling for lesser regions of the body. Regardless, I investigate the product further.

Impressed by the ease with which I completely destroyed my Man Beard and the smoothness left in its place, I attack the short and curlies. First, out of the shower, then, as it says on the box, I try trimming in the shower. One of the adjustable heads is a trimmer with two five-position combs. One comb is specially designed to be safer for the delicates—I guess it's not too sharp or pointy. With both trimmer combs, it only takes me two minutes to manscape the places that I want to keep a little furry. For other places that I want completely smooth, I go for it with the electric razor head. To save time and keep edges nice, it comes conveniently with two small trimmers of its own on either side of the razor foil. After a few passes, it leaves nothing but clean, clear skin, with no redness or irritation at all. I'm in awe.

After twenty or so minutes of staring and flexing in the mirror, I conclude that this is an incredible, devastating force. Any and all Man Beards should begin to be terrified.

Days later, the only complaint that I have regarding my situation is that hair does grow back. And much like the face, what once was smooth quickly becomes stubbly. But it's so quick and easy to trim, I can do so as often as I need. The next time that I'm grooming, I leave the face to grow back the beginnings of my new baby Man Beard, but trim down the delicate stubble with my new Philips Norelco Bodygroom+.

Talking points that I neglected to explicitly mention: it's rechargeable, cordless and shower-friendly. In the past, I would never have bought this product or anything like it, but now, after using it for a few weeks, I would recommend it to anyone looking for an easy way to manage body hair below the neck. And it's cheap ($49.99 at Target or Amazon.com)!"

Man Beard Christmas

2008-12-24T18:29:00.002-05:00

sometimes there's nothing more to say

2008-12-22T16:19:00.002-05:00

The Bodygroom is back. But so is MAN BEARD BLOG.

2008-12-18T12:17:00.000-05:00

You might recall that two years ago, MAN BEARD BLOG published a detailed intelligence report about enemy activities. Specifically, through an elaborate subterfuge, we were able to obtain an enemy weapon and analyze its functionality. The news was grim. The weapon performed with terrifying efficiency, especially in region 3. As a sad follow-up, the intern who conducted the tests and filed the report never fully recovered from the experience and is no longer capable of growing body hair. (Good thing we took on an expendable intern!)

The enemy continues to upgrade weaponry, and we now must contend with the Philips Norelco Bodygroom+. The "+" presumably means it's better. However in fear of a Man Beard backlash, these hair haters specifically note that their new product is for use on "all areas below the chin." Now while they admit no ill will towards your beard, the intern's study concluded that the original model was reasonably effective for beard-removal, so we have ample reason to be wary of the next generation technology. Nevertheless, their explicit denial of malevolent intentions towards facial hair is a sign that our efforts here have not been in vain.

With that in mind, this time around we've managed to obtain not one, but three devices. So we've taken on not one, but three interns. These interns are in no way aware of the fate of the first intern. Actually I told them that our previous interns have gone on to grow awesome beards and accumulate massive wealth, and that their life stories are the basis for this site. So look forward to reports from Chris, Zac, and Blake in the near future, and please nobody mention the truth about our last intern, ok?

Keep in mind that MAN BEARD BLOG does not endorse these products, nor do we endorse people who use them. No self-respecting Man Beard would ever engage in "manscaping" or the like. However, many of our readers are not self-respecting Man Beards; that's just simple statistical logic. And as we said last time:

When I was first contacted by a female emissary from the Phillips Norelco legion of darkness, I was naturally wary. As the founder of Man Beard Blog, the Internet's premier source of Beard Wisdom, I've grown accustomed to being a high profile target for the forces of hairlessness. Her offer of a free Bodygroom device for review on my site seemed harmless on its bald face, but I've conditioned myself to treat all friendliness from bald faces as a likely trap.

As I was trying to decide which orifice to suggest that this devil-woman make the final resting place of her nefarious anti-beard device, my years devoted to the study of Man Warfare "kicked in" as I remembered the wise words of the immortal fighting Man Beard, Chuck Norris:

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... that way they're always within your roundhouse kick radius."

I admit I felt rather squeamish about accepting the offer from this representative of http://shaveeverywhere.com/ but I realized that it was my duty to the Man Beard Blog community to conduct and disseminate high-level intelligence on the enemy. I decided that I must study the weapon of my foes, so better to know and defeat them.

MAN BEARD BLOG is here for you. Never doubt it.

Blog Testicles and Big Plans

2008-12-01T21:23:00.002-05:00

MAN BEARD BLOG is the world's premier source of news and commentary about Man Beards. Man Beard-hood is underappreciated but we're trying to change that, one blog post at a time. MAN BEARD BLOG is a respected leader in facial hair blogging, with an expertise in beards. We also make valuable contributions to the body hair blog community, the misogyny blog community, and the regicide blog community.

But you already know all of that.

What you might not know is that the experts have recently proven that MAN BEARD BLOG has bigger testicles than any other blog in the world. This enables us to produce more cyber-sperm than any other blog, which in turn has allowed MAN BEARD BLOG to father more baby blogs than any other blog. Some Man Beards would say this means that we're the fittest blog. We don't say that. We don't have to. We just let our balls do the talking. (And they agree with Charlie.)

When all those baby blogs grow up, they'll be fierce Man Beard Blogs like their father, and then we'll all form a family band of unstoppable pirates that will put every woman in the world in her place and also compose lovely sonnets and hang with our new best friend, bearded Will Ferrell. And then where will you be, motherfucker?

That's right, you'll be here. Reading MAN BEARD BLOG.

Man Beard Burn

2008-09-19T11:07:00.004-04:00

Man Beard Blog is suffering from a tragic case of razor burn (don't ask) that is keeping us out of action for a little while. If you're lonely as a result, perhaps browse the archives. This would be a fitting place to start, since today is the alleged "Talk-Like-a-Pirate-Day"

Man Beard Nomination: Tristan

2008-08-27T16:06:00.000-04:00

A previously unknown Man Beard Blog enthusiast, Brutus, recently posted this comment on an old post.

I didn't know how to put this on the site but I was watching a movie last night and discovered a wonderful manbeard...Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt is the perfect embodiment of all that makes one a Man Beard. First, he sports a masterful beard throughout most of the movie. This beard was not part of his character at the beginning of the movie, but as he started to progress to the seventh level of crazy, the beard was grown as a warning to the world, “watch yourself, I’ll fuckin murder you.” He murders many, many animals of all species on several continents. He also kills many men and finds it necessary to take out their still beating heart and hold it in his hands, how’s that for man-beard status. He makes love and demoralizes all women in his path, even if they date or are set to be married to his own brothers (both brothers by the way are devoid of beard- serves them right), and speaks Cherokee Indian, due to his best friend in the film being an Indian Warrior, Two Stab (are you shitting me, Two Stab)… He also killed two men of the town Helena, Montana that were in a sense, the “Kings” of bootlegging. This substantiates Regicide in a very flagrant public display as well, since everyone in the town knew it was him. He obviously has testicles because he impregnates his wife in the end of the movie twice… As a sidenote, his wife is an indian girl half of his age, true Man Beard style, get em while their young… Irrational exuberance is demonstrated several times by this character throughout the movie. For instance his last arrival home after a decade traveling the world he made his entrance preceded by 25-30 horses that he had corralled himself just to signify his arrival. Pretty irrational if you ask me. Piracy is a large part of this characters image and was confirmed when we watch him travel the world via an actual pirate ship, with sails and a crew… He also came back from these trips with booty for his family… Artistic creativity did not seem like his strongest Man Beard character trait, but there were scenes in which he paints his face before slaughtering all pathetic non-beards that stand in his path… Fact- Brad Pitt is a fierce Man Beard in this Flick…

Man Beard Blog has not seen this movie, and cannot offer any further opinion on that matter, except to say that Brutus makes a strong fucking case.

Beard Humor?

2008-08-01T14:47:00.005-04:00

Part of our job here at MAN BEARD BLOG is to stay abreast of important developments in bearding and beard-related matters, so as to have a positive impact on the greater beard community. One such matter is beard humor, so we've been known to scour the internet for the latest beard jokes. This is a popular offering, available in several of the top Google hits:

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Man Beard Blog is frightfully alarmed at the state of beard humor if this is one of the best offerings. We're not even sure if it is really a joke. It might be mildly funny if the punchline was that a man with such a healthy beard that he can maintain regular sexual relations with two women would consider shaving said beard at the request of one of said women. That really wouldn't have been a punchline, more like an amusing premise. The source of the humor is that we all know that such a man would, in reality, flatly deny the indecent request, and proceed to put said woman in her place with some combination of witty insults and physical violence. It is fairly amusing juxtaposition, we'll grant. (In fact we're having a little chuckle now just thinking about it.)

But that can't even be the purported punchline, because the "joke" keeps going, and in fact takes a dark turn as James actually succumbs to the whims of this vile tempstress. No explanation is offered for this ~~catastophic blunder~~ ~~blundering catastrophe~~ ~~tragic devastation~~ ~~devastating tragedy~~ massive fuck-up.

In the end, the whole thing seems more like a Samson and Delilah parable (a story told in our book) than a joke, as James loses his wife's love (to a beardless coward, Michael) along with his beard. All we've learned from this sordid tale is that pogonotomy leads to cuckoldry, which, while a valuable lesson, we don't find the least bit funny.

Man Beard Blog presents: The (Man Beard) Bible

2008-06-06T16:17:00.010-04:00

(updated below)

Man Beard Blog has been showing signs of life lately, and so we've been receiving many queries about our whereabouts during the prolonged lull. Our first response to such questioners is to gouge their eyes with a sharp stick we keep nearby for this exact purpose. The eye-gouging sharp stick has yet to be used however, because luckily for you all (you know who you are), the questions were asked via email.

In spite of our overwhelming popularity as instructors and our excellent publication record of high quality research, Blogger.com has yet to offer tenure to Man Beard Blog. But that didn't prevent us from taking a sabbatical, because we're the leading beard academics in the world, and blogging is intellectually draining. But our intentions of taking some time off to rest never were realistic. The beard was itchy, and we had to scratch it.

So we wrote a big fat fucking book.

That's right you smooth-faced little cupcakes, just when you thought you might never seen new Man Beard Blog material again, Man Beard Blog is back in business and now we have a gigantic tome of Man Beard goodness, and we call it The Man Beard Bible.

Well that's what we wanted to call it but our publisher* made us shorten it to just The Bible. But don't worry it is full of beards, regicide, artistic creativity, and putting women in their places. There's also a great deal of divinity and stomping of queers, though not as much piracy or testicles as we would have liked*. Nevertheless it is a strong offering. Some highlights:

Every single man in the book has a beard. All of the star characters have beards: Moses, Abraham, Jesus, St. Paul, Satan. All of them. Moses had an especially fine white beard.
Showing disdain for my audience, large sections of many of the books are boring as shit. Many are just lists of imaginary characters and who their fathers were. Others are long lists of ridiculous rules that you have to follow like the fucking sheep you are. One of those rules, in the 27th verse of the 19th chapter of Leviticus, is that you are not allowed to trim your beard. That is a good rule.
Women are put in their place, big time. The lists of shit you must do includes raping women in cities that you've destroyed (Judges 5:30). You can rape women in your own city too, but if her father catches you, you owe him some money and you have to marry her (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). Other times, The Supreme Man Beard Divinity, a.k.a. "God," helps dudes rape women and this one time he turns a woman into stone just for looking at some shit.
Showing further disdain for our audience, the purported protagonist doesn't even show up until more than halfway through the entire compendium, and then he dies almost right away. His death is a gruesome regicide perpetrated by Roman soldiers. He is a sweet-ass Man Beard though. We then proceed to loudly retell the story 3 times with various bizarre inconsistencies like some drunk. Actually we were drunk when we wrote it. Our words are all slurred and shit.
There is some fine poetry included. "Song of Songs" is quite lovely.
Showing complete disdain for our audience, the last book makes no sense whatsoever. We basically just ramble on for pages and pages about shit we dreamed up when we were on drugs.

The good news is that our book is already the best selling work of literature in human history. But that isn't really a surprise.

The bad news is that in our irrational exuberance, we didn't read the papers our publisher had us sign, and we don't actually signed away the rights to all of it. It was a nice move on his part, and we kind of had it coming. I guess that's what happens when you burn all your bridges*. But this was never really about the money anyway; what matters to us is that our work is so beloved and influential. So we can't technically sell you a copy, but you should be able to buy one lots of other places. If you come by, we'll even sign it for you.

UPDATE: It has been brought to our attention that there is strong evidence that The (Man Beard) Bible has existed in more or less its current form for almost 2,000 years. We haven't fully investigated these claims, but it does help explain the speed with which our book shot to the top of the all-time best seller list. We had expected that would take several months.

If research shows this to be the case, it must mean that at some point in the future, a Man Beard invents a time machine and plants our book in the past to use our tales of bearded regicide to inspire 2,000 additional years of queer-stomping and putting women in their places. His mission was an astonishing success, so if he's time traveling to 2008 we hope he drops by to meet us and get an autographed copy!

* Why didn't you override the publisher to stay true to your creative vision, as a real Man Beard would do? A good question. You must be a very astute Man Beard Blog reader to have noticed this conflict and/or the several asterisks and/or the paragraph of small print at the end. Here's the story. When the Man Beard writing juices start flowing, there can be no containing them, so strong is our irrational exuberance and artistic creativity. So we didn't write just one book; we actually wrote between 66 and 72 separate books. So when we brought all of them to a publisher, he suggested that we just start with one. I think he expected us to just sit around and wait and see how it sold or something, and then maybe publish a few more. Well, fuck that guy. We ripped his throat out, and went to another publisher. He also insisted on starting with just one book. We ripped his throat out too. Publishers are a dime a dozen. Well by the end of that day we had 5 more throats but no publisher. We were holding all 7 throats in one hand, and they kind of looked like one big bloody throat. That's where we got the idea to push all 66 to 72 books into a single volume. That was a lot easier to sell to publishers, although by then we had developed a reputation and only one publisher would agree to meet with us. So we pretty much had to do what he said. Hence, The Bible.

Indecent Proposal: Irish Beard Style

2008-06-06T16:00:00.000-04:00

This marvelous item was posted on Futility Closet.

A razor company once invited George Bernard Shaw to shave his famous beard. He responded with a postcard:

Gentlemen:

I shall never shave, for the same reason that I started a beard, and for the reason my father started his. I remember standing at his side, when I was five, while he was shaving for the last time. "Father," I asked, "Why do you shave?" He stood there for a full minute and finally looked down at me. "Why the hell do I?" he said.

– GBS

Man Beard Blog doesn't know much about Irish playwrights (or the Irish, or playwrights, or plays) but we have to fucking give it up for this fine furry fellow.

For starters, he not only had a beard, he had a famous beard.

Props, yo.

And so famous was this beard that a razor company sought out his endorsement! (Why does this sound familiar?)

Further propers.

But so much irrational beard exuberance was coursing through his whiskey drenched Irish veins, that Shaw failed to realize that "because a razor company paid me to" would be a damn good answer to his father's question.

Fucking triple props, you artistically creative, money-disdaining Man Beard!

Letters to MAN BEARD BLOG

2008-05-25T08:48:00.002-04:00

You won't be surprised to learn that MAN BEARD BLOG receives volumes of fan correspondence. Here's the breakdown of the top ten topics of the messages:

73% - "Dude, Man Beard Blog is awesome! Now I want to grow a sweet beard and kill people! Thanks, Man Beard Blog!"
59% - "Can I advertise my product/service on Man Beard Blog?"
57% - "Hey, I'm a Man Beard. You should feature me."
44% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to provide sexual pleasure to bored housewives? If so, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."
42% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to assist lesbian couples to conceive? If so, call us at yyy-yyy-yyyy."
35% - "I think this site is a disgrace. You all are going to hell!!!!!!"
33% - "pE NIs ENlarg EMENT. ViagRA. CLICK HERE"
13% - "I'm having a problem with my beard. Can Man Beard Blog help me?"
12% - "You should include other types of body hair. Check out these pictures!"
0.03% - "Regicide is no laughing matter. I have to sleep with one eye open every single night."

The percentages don't add up to 100% because many messages contain multiple of these topics. For example, #4 and #6 are often found in the same sprawling 5 page emails. #5 and #9 are similarly linked.

MAN BEARD BLOG recently received an email with the very rare combination of #3 and #8. You wouldn't think that anyone having problems with his beard could possibly be a Man Beard, and it has already been documented that asking to be a Man Beard probably means you aren't a Man Beard. And yet, here is the email from "Mike."

I have grown my very manly black beard very long and bushy several times now in the hope that a local barber could trim it to match King Leonidas.. I haven't had much luck and am further disappointed that specific trimming instructions are no where to be found on the internet anywhere. There are not even any good pix of the beard specifically that I could print out and use for reference. You are my last, best hope... Can you help??? At the very least, do you have some more pix of "The Beard?" If you can help and I actually find someone to trim it properly... I will send you a pix for your site.

For reference, this is my beard a while back....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoxNapkMhk

Please ignore the pink bathroom and the gray in the beard.

Mike.....

Powerful stuff. Is Mike a Man Beard? You be the judge:

Clearly he has the raw beard-growing talent to be a Man Beard. And he's wisely chosen King Leonidas, owner of the perfect beard, as his beard role model. He's ambitious, has nothing but disdain for proper grammar, and puts his woman in her place by only allowing her to decorate that bathroom.

So what does the MAN BEARD BLOG community have to say about this situation. Can we help young Mike?

Mustache Day 2008

2008-03-18T11:15:00.003-04:00

The mustache is the retarded little cousin of the beard, and everyone loves their retarded little cousin, so we here at Man Beard Blog love any kind of mustache blogging. Mustache Day is being observed on March 20 this year instead of the standard March 23 (so as not to conflict with the annual celebration of the Man Beard Messiah's regicidal execution). So take a picture of your mustache and send it to the Man Beard Blog intern. Only good things can happen!

Talk like a Pirate

2007-09-19T16:43:00.000-04:00

Here at Man Beard Blog, we love pirates. I'd refer you to this post for a full explanation, not that loving pirates requires explanation, but the connection to Man Beard Blog is this:

Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.

Because of the passionate love affair between Man Beard Blog and piracy, we wish to honor pirates by noting that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

We think that it is wonderful that there is such a day, but unfortunately we have no idea what it means to have a day to talk like a pirate. The concept eludes us completely.

You know how sometimes you visit some weird place and everyone talks with a funny accent, but then when you talk normally, suddenly they tell you that you have an accent? And you're all like "what the fuck, I don't have an accent, you have the accent you creepy little shit." I think that's what International Talk Like a Pirate Day is like for us here at Man Beard Blog.

Emulating fierce and fearsome Man Beards of the high seas is a lifestyle for us, an every day occurrence. We don't really need a special day for it, but in some abstract way we recognize that others might.

I think that's why people don't like it when we visit them. They probably think we're about to rape their women and plunder their booty. Which of course we are. We're Man Beard Blog, you creepy little shit, what do you think we're here for, the pleasure your company? Our beards are the only company we need. Go fetch me some rum and your filthiest wench!

Shaqbeard? Do it!

2007-09-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

If The Big Aristotle devotes himself to bearding the way The Real Aristotle did, Man Beard Blog will devote 11 consecutive posts on 11 consecutive days to the glory of the Shaqbeard.

Do you hear that, Diesel? I know you've received many honors for basketballing and crime-fighting and weight-loss, but have you ever been featured in 11 consecutive Man Beard Blog posts? That's right. So grow a fucking awesome Shaqbeard and wear it for this whole season.

Man up.

Beard down.

Beard Lords Shine Down On Man Beard Blog (Before We Kill You)

2007-07-18T14:32:00.001-04:00

That is a screen cap of Pharyngula featuring an image from 300. In other words, Man Beard PZ is pimping Man Beard Leonidas. That is some highly concentrated Man Beardity. In honor of this event, Man Beard Blog offers this humble poem.

May your beard always bristle.
and your balls always hang low.
May your weapon always drip with fresh blood.
and your blog always be updated with creative brilliance.
May your kings provide you with bounty before you slaughter them
unless your king is King Leonidas, in which case may he slaughter you mercifully.
May every day be like today
where Man Beards love each other freely.

Man Beard Progess: my buddy Dave

2007-07-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

The Brice Lord continues making progress towards Man Beard status. As has been previously reported, he has shown signs of strength in several Man Beard categories, including beardedness, artistic creativity, and fag-stomping (his Moroccan boyfriend is often covered in bruises).

Now, a previously unreleased photo reveals that Dave is making noise in another Man Beard discipline, piracy.

Shortly after this picture was taken, Dave killed the guy with his back to the camera with a rusty cutlass and then drank a flaggon of rum. YARRR!!

Look at him, gazing off into the distance across the high seas, booty on the brain no doubt. His drunken, violent outbursts on the high seas are legendary in many coastal townships. Unfortunately it wasn't captured in this picture but the shirtless Sith Lord seated next to him has a wooden peg-leg, so it is clear that Dave keeps company with swarthy sea dogs who might also harness the dark side of the Force while weighing 112 pounds. Piracy-by-association is treated as a valid concept under Man Beard Blog bylaws. There are no existing bylaws regarding Sith-by-association, but the piracy formulation is regarded as solid precedent. Further investigation into Dave's own Lordship might render Sith-by-association a non-issue if Brice Lords are actually an obscure class of Sith Lords.

There have also been quiet rumors that Dave has been involved in a shocking feat of regicidal irrational exuberance. To protect our sources, Man Beard Blog cannot elaborate on the details at this time, however there is rampant speculation that if these rumors are substantiated, Brice Lord could immediately vault himself into the Man Beard pantheon. Stay tuned!

Wheat Grass

2007-06-29T15:17:00.000-04:00

I picked up a pamphlet the other day at Robeks, home of fruit smoothies and healthy eats. (Bear with me here.) The pamphlet was all about wheat grass. Do you know about wheat grass? Apparently it is the most amazing substance in the history of matter.

wheat grass
Benefits

Concentrated & Convenient for Use Everyday
1oz. is the nutritional equivalent of eating 2.5 lbs. of leafy green vegetables.

Eating 2.5 pounds of plant matter? Who eats that much vegetation? What the fuck am I, a triceratops? How many heads of lettuce do I need?? And how can 1 shotglass of juice be the equivalent? Could I raise a whole herd of zebras on a gallon of this stuff?

Energizes Your Day
Minimizes fatigue - usually caused by poor diet
Recharges your body - fewer hours of sleep necessary

That's right! Drink 1 shot of this juice (or eat 2.5 pounds of spinach) and you'll never need coffee again. Drink 5 shots and you'll only have to sleep 30 minutes per week.

Maintains Your Body at Peak Levels
Improves digestion and elimination of food
Assists with natural weight loss
Slows cell degeneration by adding oxygen to your blood
Adds calcium - helps arthritis and muscle cramping

I was wondering what "peak levels" would mean, but fortunately they've spelled it out for me: CRAP LIKE A CHAMPION! CRAP SO MUCH YOU LOSE WEIGHT! Also it makes your cells immortal and lets you run an entire triathlon without getting tired. I can't keep up commenting on every line, so here's the rest:

Cleansing for Your Body
Increases strength by rejuvenating poor-quality blood
Increases mental clarity and calms nerves (amino acids)

Rejuvenates & Restores
Increases overall health of your skin, teeth, eyes, muscles and joints
Stimulates hair growth
Enhances luster in hair
Increases function of heart, intestines, lungs and reproductive organs
Stimulates and regenerates the liver
Aids in healing cuts and bruises

Helps Fight Disease & Sickness
Bolsters immune system - strengthens internal defenses
Contains anti-cancer agents including abscisic acid
Supports the natural repair of DNA
Detoxifies pollutants that have entered the body
Combats ulcers

This is just endless entertainment. Obviously they're trying to say that it will help flush the weed out of your system if you have to take a drug test next week. And there's an absurd stoned quality to the whole thing. Like the way they throw "amino acids" in there parenthetically, or how after listing how wheat grass will restore functioning of every vital organ in your body (and might even reanimate a corpse) they tack on that it will help cuts and bruises. It is kind of like listing the exotic and high-tech features in a luxury car and then throwing "AM/FM radio" at the end of the list.

Take a minute and review all of the claims that are made about wheat grass. A tiny sip of this shit will send your cancer into remission, reverse your baldness, and burn off that beer gut. You'll learn jujitsu, never get a cold, and your genitals will swell to three times their previous size (in a good way). And that's only the front page of the pamphlet! On the back it tells you that external use will heal the chicken pox, kill bacteria, combat athlete's foot, cure dandruff, and tighten up that loose skin around your neck.

Is wheat grass the Man Beard of dietary supplements? It seems god-like in power, plus it makes your testicles work better. I think the fine print confirms it:

The statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent disease.

The mighty Man Grass Wheat Beards care not for the authorities and their attempts at regulation! All these breathless claims without a shred of evidence? I've never seen so much irrational exuberance! And "not intended to cure disease" now? Obviously they won't let intentions get in the way of their artistic integrity, and so they can feel free to continue claiming to cure malaria, herpes, and Down Syndrome.

Man Beard Wheat Grass. Beautiful.

Fear not, Man Beard Lovers!

2007-06-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

We've been flooded with concern recently about the lack of updates. Have patience dear readers! Championship quality beard blogging doesn't always happen on a predictable schedule, but inspiration is never more than a whisker away. While it is hard to precisely forecast the future of a world-altering project like the Man Beard Blog, I can say with 100% confidence that you will be able to enjoy plenty of bearded goodness here for centuries to come.

ZOMG!!1!!

2007-05-16T14:40:00.001-04:00

So much bearded goodness in every bite.

Beard pummels 7-foot German man

2007-05-07T13:40:00.000-04:00

"The guy is so tough I think his beard could beat up Nowitzki."

Quite right.

NBA Playoffs: Bring out the beard

2007-04-30T17:09:00.000-04:00

Is there a better basketball player on the planet right now?

War Nerd is Russian for Man Beard

2007-04-09T19:45:00.000-04:00

On a recent expedition to Russia in search of Moscow Man Beards, while shifting through the pierogis and snow and shit, we stumbled upon what might be the greatest Man Beard tribute ever published outside of the sacred confines of Man Beard Blog. Written by an American who calls himself War Nerd, Saddam Died Beautiful says just about everything I've ever wanted to say about the Glorious Iraqi Man Beard.

Saddam told the ski-mask monkeys they weren't real men. And he had the right to say that too. Call him what you want, but Saddam was a man, a real man. One of the last. To me, watching that execution was like watching Planet of the Apes: a bunch of de-evolved primates killing the last man. Saddam looked like the 20th century in that overcoat and hat. He'd lost weight in prison. Never flinched, not once. You try that: going to the gallows with your blood enemies screaming insults at you. See if you can hold your bladder, never mind answer back as fast and calm as he did.

Can I get a beard scratch for the War Nerd? We were just writing about this a few days ago, only now we find out that this exiled American in Moscow has already done it! It's funny though; here's a guy who has just about everything figured out, except the only thing he doesn't mention is Saddam's beard. Weird. It's almost like the actual beard doesn't matter.... I know, that's crazy!

Sure, Saddam was a killer. Don't you get it by now? In a place like Iraq, killing is how you run things... Blaming Saddam for being what he was is like blaming a rattlesnake for killing.

Hell yes! Man Beards don't fucking cuddle up next to you like a fucking Tony Blair puppy. They bite the hand that is in front of their mouth, whether it feeds them or not. They don't give a shit what you think about that. Neither did Saddam. He was a brutal killing machine. He was a Man Beard.

This War Nerd needs to be part of Man Beard Blog. I can't imagine him existing outside of our alternate reality:

We did Saddam an accidental favor in return by giving him a rare old-school death. Maybe that's not important for some of you moral-types but it would be to my heroes. It would matter to John Paul Jones, it would matter to Alexander, it would matter to Subotai, and it matters to me. I wish I could have a death like that. Instead I'll die the same way you will, tubes coming out of my fat carcass, leaning over to watch the cardio beeper zig when it's supposed to zag, scared out of my head and ashamed to look down at this civilian belly hyperventilating its last chickenshit breaths.

Not Saddam. We may not have meant to, but we showed him the ultimate respect. And he deserved it. He's wherever the real men go; where Pancho Villa went, and Patton, and Richthofen. Not heaven, but someplace way, way better.

Not only does War Nerd understand that Saddam died like a true Man Beard, he also know his own limitations and failings. We here at Man Beard Blog have never claimed to be Man Beards, nor would we. So when all you pussies come on here and start talking shit like you're so much better than us, you don't know who you're dealing with. We're Man Beard Blog, and he's the War Nerd, and you're a fucking anonymous commenter on our blog. Stop shaving and go slaughter a few thousand people and then get back to us.

Secondary Man Beard Characteristics

2007-04-06T12:43:00.000-04:00

We all know the list of things that make you a Man Beard:

beards (this is #1)
putting women in their place
irrational exuberance
regicide
divinity
stomping queers
testicles
artistic creativity
piracy

Here are some other traits that have a high correlation with Man Beardness:

Wealth - The Man Beard is a powerful figure, and money is the official scorecard of power. Consequently, many Man Beards amass great personal fortunes, often through conquest, plunder, and album sales.
Muscles - The power of the Man Beard often is as physical as the beard itself. King Leonidas sets the Man Beard standard for muscles against which we all shall be judged.
Disdain - Contempt is a Man Beard personality characteristic that was well demonstrated by Saddam Hussein and his beard. Even in his final hour he demonstrated his disdain for lesser men by mocking their inferiority and manlessness. A Man Beard know that he is better than everyone else, and he takes pride in reminding them of that indisputable fact.
Proximity to Breasts - In spite of the importance of putting women in their place, a Man Beard still can't go anywhere without fine ladies begging him for the fruit of his testicles. These harlots are often the objects of a Man Beard's haughty disdain (and sometimes the victims of his violent rage). Any time spent with a woman is time not spent stomping queers; Man Beards have their priorities straight.

Happy Birthday Alec Baldwin('s Chest Hair)

2007-04-03T12:37:00.000-04:00

Alec Baldwin might not be a Man Beard (although a commitment to facial hair would give him a strong resume), but he has still earned the respect of Man Beard Blog with his awe-inspiring contributions to the world of chest hair.

Just look at it! Magnificent.

Today, April 3, is his birthday, so Man Beard Blog has composed a poem in his honor. This isn't the least bit gay, rather it is a manifestation of irrational exuberance and artistic creativity erupting in the spirit of Baldwinism.

Ode to Alec Baldwin

Oh my dear Alec,
Your chest hair so thick
And with soulful eyes!

Grim Baldwin Lord
A visage of wisdom,
Manly, proud. Forthright.

An enigma, though
Solvable by few:
Those who know thee truly.

Shine on eternal;
Share with us your wit;
Your love sets us free.

Man Beard News - fear the bearded!

2007-04-03T11:59:00.000-04:00

Man Beard Pirate Professor PZ Myers is on yet another deicidal rampage. Man Beard Blog has concluded that PZ is likely attempting to usurp God as the universe's supreme supernatural force, possibly in an effort to raise his Leonidas score (yet to be formally unveiled) by increasing his divinity factor.

---

Man Beard Man-Child Baller Greg Oden fell short in his quest to become the youngest bearded starting Ohio State center to win the national championship this decade, but only because his beardless teammates weren't able to match his manly efforts. Oden scored 87 points, grabbed 45 rebounds, and blocked 32 shots in a losing effort. Because in sports you're only as strong as your weakest link, Florida was lucky that the rules required Ohio State to field 5 players at all times, otherwise Oden would have played 1 on 5 and easily won the day.

---

Man Beard Anti-Semite Mel Gibson has taken his irrational exuberance to Denmark, where some low-life beer brewer tried to stifle Gibson's artistic creativity by naming a beer after his movie Braveheart. No word on whether the brewer was a dirty Jew like all of Gibson's other enemies.

---

Speaking of hating Jews, Man Beard Jew King Jesus will be brutally tortured to death this Friday only to come back to life on Sunday. Hooray! Wait, or did that happened in some book from a million years ago but people think it was real? Sometimes we get confused. Either way, Jesus stomps queers big time!

Championships!

2007-03-29T14:08:00.001-04:00

Let there be BEARD!

mustache manslap

2007-03-26T00:34:00.000-04:00

Don't bring a terrible mustache and an inferior comprehension of basketball to the Basketbawful blog, cause they'll fucking manslap the shit out of you.

Mustaches are like the retarded cousins of beards, though there are some exceptions. The intern might have more to say on this topic.

For the love of Man Beard Blog

2007-03-22T16:17:00.000-04:00

Man Beard Blog getting some love:

Man Beard Biologist PZ Myers
Investigators of Man Beard Cyclist Floyd Lanis, Trust But Verify
confused blogger percyprune
confusing blog Spitting Image

Man Beard News

2007-03-20T11:03:00.000-04:00

Let's take a break from King Leonidas to report the latest in Man Beard news.

Aging Man Beard Sean Connery would like to come out of acting retirement to play James Bond's father in the next Bond movie. Man Beard Blog is obviously in full support of this, as long as Chuck Norris stays out of it.

Man Beard Pirate Biologist PZ Myers has a post about his struggles with full-blown piracy: "We're flying the pirate flag outside of our house, but every time we try to move on to the full pirate phase, we run aground on the fact that she thinks she should be the Cap'n, and then there are the swordfights on the stairs and walking the plank and black spots and mutinous crew, and then Skatje stabs us both in the back and declares herself captain. The pirate lifestyle is not a mellow, casual one that encourages cooperation." Hear, hear!

Georgetown is using the playoff beard to acheive NCAA Tournament success.

Man Beard Cyclist Floyd Landis continues to insist that his manly organism is all he needs to win.

Divine Man Beard Jesus has been advocating bong hits, to the dismay of various government officials, who insist that Jesus does not actually encourage drug use. Man Beard Blog takes no position on the matter, but does wish to note that Jesus hates all homosexuals regardless of their marijuana use.

Leonidas Beard: all you ever need.

2007-03-19T13:30:00.001-04:00

It can get pretty lonely when you're the King Leonidas and you have a million Persians trying to fuck things up for Sparta and nobody but you cares to do a damn thing about it. The priests are all like "ooh don't fight this time" and McNulty from The Wire who you thought was your friend is being sketchy as shit. So you're feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. Then you have to leave your hot wife and your badass wolf-son behind as you march off to certain death. Nobody would blame you for being a little lonely, but luckily you're a Man Beard and this isn't a problem for you.

You've worked really hard to make friends that you'll be taking along with you. They're sweaty and oily and rock hard, and they'll never go behind your back on you, because they're growing out of the front side of your torso, all 18 of them. Some people prefer to go into Bronze Age warfare wearing some kind of armor, but you know better. Your magnificent, rippling friends will protect you better than any cuirass. You can also use them to sharpen your weapons.

Speaking of cuirasses, if you were still feeling lonely for your family and your unprecedentedly chiseled abs aren't adequately comforting you, there is one last option, although standing over 7 feet tall, he's certainly not the least option. Hairless from head to toe (and everywhere in between) and bedecked in jewels, his name is Xerxes and his fingers work magic on your back after a long day of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

He offers himself to you, and the offer might be a little tempting under these trying circumstances. But you're a Man Beard and he's a queer-ass and he leads the mighty Persian Army who wish to claim your kingdom as their own. There is only one kind of relationship you two can have, and it involves you stomping him or meeting your death in the attempt. That's just how it must be.

When it comes right down to it, all the comfort and inspiration and pleasure you'll ever need is right under your nose. Literally. For there sits the greatest beard in all of recorded history, and you are the mightiest Man Beard that ever was or ever will be. The King Leonidas Beard is the best friend you could ever have, and all you'll ever truly need.

THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!
THIS is my MAN BEARD!

Beard + Science = HalfBeard

2007-03-15T17:00:00.000-04:00

Wow. Thanks to reader Mox for pointing out this stunning example of irrationally exuberant Beard Science. Needless to say, Man Beard Blog salutes this emerging discipline, and commends this gentleman on his fine contributions.

He gets special recognition for this gem (emphasis added):

Although I've determined that it felt warmer with a beard, no analytical tests were performed. I did not determine skin temperatures. It is quite possible that I had only thought I felt warmer. I suggest that a better test would be to shave half a person's beard off, but not tell them which half. This would give a fairer test of warmth.

Quite right. The integrity of the experiment demands that the subject be unaware of the variables being tested, thus avoiding any potential beard-bias. My only improvement on this would be that the experimenter would also have to be unaware which side of the person's face was shaved, or if the face is shaved at all. This would best be accomplished by recruiting a few dozen beards and hiring an impartial third party to randomly shave the left side of 25% of the beards, the right side of 25%, the entire beard of 25%, and none of the remaining 25%. The neutral third party shaver and the control groups of full-beards and no-beards make it completely impossible for the subjects or the experimenters to know which sides are shaved, insuring that the experiment is perfectly double-beard-blind. It is important that neither the subjects nor the shaver be a Man Beard, since this would a present an obvious conflict of interests and a potential source of bias.

If anyone conducts this experiment, Man Beard Blog will gladly publish your results. Onward Beard Science!

Man Beard Blog Heat Check!

2007-03-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

Search Terms (Man Beard Blog's Google rank):

"beard blog" (#2)
"testicles beard" (#1)
"men with beards blog" (#3)
"beard not growing in straight" (#2)
"female bodygroom" (#3)
"how to grow a beard if you're asian" (#5)
"300 spartan beards" (#4)
"gerard butler beard" (#1)
"gerard butler beard 300" (#7)
"character analysis, king leonidas" (#6)
"leonidas beard" (#1)

World beard domination is within our reach!

Critics Gush: "Man Beard!"

2007-03-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Star Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera), playing ubër-male King Leonidas, fares as well as anyone can
- Annie Frisbie

Here stands the Spartan king Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 299 buddies in nothing but leather man-panties and oiled torsos, clutching a variety of phalluses they seek to thrust in the bodies of their foes by trapping them in a small, rectum-like mountain passage called the “gates of hell(o!)”
- Nathan Lee of The Voice (as reported on blog@newsarama)

...lots of shots of a sweaty, mostly unclad Gerard Butler sporting his magnificent beard while he's kicking some Persian ass
- april

But by Zeus, this is a ripping yarn, told with limb-rending gusto, an iconic ancient battle....

Butler, in a career-making performance of Russell Crowe dimensions, roars pretty much every line that isn't pillow talk to his stunning and flinty queen (Lena Headey).

"SPARTANS!" he bellows at his phalanx of hoplites.

"Hoooo," they bellow back, crashing spear to shield.

"THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!"

I am sorry, but if that line, spat out on a tinted dreamscape (a digital soundstage) version of an ancient Greek pass, doesn't thrill you to the marrow, you need to have your marrow checked...
And Butler, chewing the scenery with a violence that suggests he relished every sit-up, conjures up what Shakespeare's Henry V was talking about when he spoke of those not there for the great battle as men who "shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap."

Don't hold yours cheap. Go, manly movie-lovers, and tell the Spartans that here is a movie worth the popcorn.

- Roger Moore

Man Beard to end all Man Beards: 300's King Leonidas

2007-03-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

Last night Man Beard Blog pulled some strings to get invited to attend a pre-release screening of 300. It would be a violation of the Man Beard Code to reveal any spoiler type information, so I'll simply say that there can never be a Man Beard more perfect and glorious than Gerard Butler's King Leonidas. It is as if everything that Man Beard Blog has ever said or accomplished was done simply to prepare for seeing this movie.

Man Beard fury the likes of which has never been seen.

It is probably going to take me a few days to recover from this (Sidenote: Hypothetically, is it a problem if you have an erection that lasts for 15 hours? What if 300 Man Beard Spartans were its inspiration? What if they were being led to war against a million Persians by the single greatest Man Beard in the history of facial hair?). After I calm down, I might have to do an analysis of King Leonidas on the Man Beard Scale, which will have to be specifically invented for the purpose of giving him the perfect Man Beard Score. All other Man Beards will be quantified in relation to him, and they will be given a Leonidas Score, and it will be good.

further evidence

2007-03-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

PZ = Pirate = MAN BEARD

Man Beard Prospect: My buddy Dave

2007-03-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

Brice Lord seems like he has a bright future ahead of him. I wouldn't say he's a Man Beard yet, but he's got a lot of potential. He's dabbled in bearding in the past, and has demonstrated ample amounts of artistic creativity both on his blog and in his beautiful musical mastery of the guitar.

It seems like he's trying to move into another Man Beard realm, queer-stomping, but it is the opinion of Man Beard Blog that saying something like

my Moroccan boyfriend, Michael, hasn't been too hot on the beard, saying that "it doesn't not look good, you just look better without it" and "it makes you look...older."

is too likely to be perceived as "gay friendly" by the average reader, even though its sarcastic homo-bashing undertones are obvious to a more intelligent audience. But young Brice Lord shouldn't be discouraged. We know he was just trying to imitate the sophistication he's seen here at Man Beard Blog. What he has to keep in mind is that the typical Man Beard Blog reader is way fucking smarter than the typical reader of his little blog, so he has to dumb that shit down accordingly.

That criticism aside, we like the way things are going for my buddy Dave. We also appreciate the way he demonstrated his attentiveness to the recent Man Beard lesson and didn't beg to be added as a Man Beard, but simply requested acknowledgement. Man Beard Blog has always been and will always be happy to herald the bearding accomplishments of those sympathetic to our cause. Keep up the good work, Brice Lord!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MAN BEARD FURY!!!

2007-03-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

The only appropriate response should involve some form of righteous fury, much butt-kicking, and the public firing of some teachers, many school board members, and vast numbers of sleazy, far-right politicians … I say, screw the polite words and careful rhetoric. It's time for scientists to break out the steel-toed boots and brass knuckles, and get out there and hammer on the lunatics and idiots.

That's what I'm talking about! Those are the fighting words of a regicidal Man Beard!

Some of you here at Man Beard Blog weren't familiar with PZ Myers when I first enshrined him as a Man Beard, but he is not someone to be overlooked. He commands a powerful army of God-killers and he's been known to lend support to piracy as well.

How not to be a Man Beard

2007-03-03T09:29:00.000-05:00

A few days ago someone named Bird Advocate left a few comments (here and here). They were a little awkward and somewhat confrontational, but Man Beard Blog decided to go easy on him. But subsequent events, which will be explained later, have made it necessary to make a lesson of this sad and lonely avian enthusiast. And so I give you:

How Not To Be a Man Beard
The case of Bird Advocate/Scooter

1.) Do not question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. This only makes you look stupid and weak and beardless.

2.) Do not, under any circumstances, question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. We are Man Beard Blog, and you are not. Get that straight right now.

3.) Don't beg Man Beard Blog to include you. What kind of self-respecting Man Beard whines and snivels about not being listed on a crappy internet web log? I'll remind you of the way an original Man Beard approached this:

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

4.) After being softly chided, don't come back and try to post yet another criticism of Man Beard Blog, and definitely don't accidentally post that criticism under your alternate blogger name, and when you realize that you posted under the wrong name, don't draw attention to your mishap by trying to erase it, and don't let people realize that you have a "team" blog where the other "team member" is just you posting under a different name, and most especially don't let your alternate blogger identity be a woman. Stupid non-Man Beards don't seem to realize that blogger can automatically email me when someone posts a comment, even if they later delete it:

Scooter has left a new comment on your post "The Man Beard that never was":

I have yet to see pictures of your beards. I would think it logical to believe it would take a man with an awesome beard to know what to look for in another's beard.
I personally haven't spent much effort or expense in the cultivation of my current crop, but I am still rather proud of it.
My beard has already been published and registered on several international sites, so it's not like it has been ignored.

This is just a sad situation, and I hope Bird Scooter someday resolves his/her sexual identity crisis and makes some friends, but there is no doubt that Man Beard Blog emerges victorious as always.

PZ Man Beard

2007-02-27T13:14:00.000-05:00

PZ Myers sports a sturdy professorial beard and poses with ferocious cartoon beasts (see image).

When he's not waging war for science or romancing cephalopods, he intelligently designs mad deicide machines and then blogs all over his pathetic victims. His artistic creativity manifests itself both by inspiring others and by his tasteful decorating style.

He deserves a better introduction, and soon he shall have it, but for now let us simply celebrate... PZ Myers: MAN BEARD!

Who is a Man Beard? NOT YOU!

2007-02-27T10:58:00.001-05:00

There has been nothing but silence in response to our impassioned plea for assistance, and that silence speaks volumes about the irrational exuberance of our readership. Man Beard Blog is hereby issuing a resounding "FUCK YOU" to all of its readers, not one of whom could ever possibly be a Man Beard. If you are reading this, you're a hairless, rationally restrained, artistically stunted mortal, and you can go suck a choad.

At this point it would take a miraculous bearded act of Jesus or Michael McDonald, specifically one of them actually reading this blog, to overturn this official (and staggeringly self-defeating) condemnation of our own audience.

Man Beard Blog needs your help!

2007-02-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

Man Beard Blog has been out in the world for well over 35 years now, and as such, we feel it is time to be recognized. Certainly no other blog has covered Man Beards with such dedication, passion, respect, arousal, devotion, and zeal.

And yet, when I search Wikipedia for "Man Beard," I find no entry. Man Beards deserve a Wikipedia entry. I'd correct this travesty myself, but there seems to be a prominent mandate ("things to avoid" section) urging against such action. So ,whoever creates a lasting entry for Man Beards will instantly be given the right to bestow Man Beard status upon a person of his own choosing (including himself).

Things to keep in mind:

Follow the rules! It might not be the Man Beard way, but sometimes you have to bow down before a greater power (so you can stab them in the back later).
Wikipedia values 3rd party references, which might be a bit of a weakness for Man Beard Blog. Be creative!
Link ... to ... other ... Man ... Beard ... issues!

WHEW!!

2007-02-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

It turns out that Nancy Pelosi is not a pirate.

This is an extremely fortunate turn of events, because if a gay-loving grandmother in her late 60s was actually a pirate, I'm pretty sure Man Beard Blog would have violently exploded.

Man Beard role model

2007-02-15T07:14:00.000-05:00

Tim Hardaway is also safe!

Operation Stomp the NBA

2007-02-08T21:41:00.000-05:00

John Amaechi is out and now nobody is safe except for Baller Man Beards like LeBron James, Bill Walton, Scott Pollard, Zydrunas Ilguaskas, Phil Jackson, Greg Oden, and Pau Gasol. The rest of the league is suspect. How many of them are queer, trying to destroy family values with their radical homosexist agenda!!?

I think it is time for Man Beards to wage some preemptive queer-stomping war against ballers who almost certainly have secret WMDs (Wanting of Massive Dongs).

John Starks? British intelligence said he went 2 for 18 from the field the night after his boyfriend broke up with him. STOMP!

Kwame Brown? After he tried to get uranium from Africa, this #1 draft pick couldn't handle the pressure of his secret life (and he is "friends" with Osama). STOMP!

Jeff Foster? Makes sex eyes at every man he sees, including Muslims like the ones who hijacked planes. STOMP!

Dwayne Wade? Damon Jones? No two dudes can walk around together looking this dapper unless they are having sex with each other, and if you disagree you must be a homo-supporter who hates America. DOUBLE-STOMP!

Piracy

2007-02-06T13:54:00.000-05:00

Piracy is a Man Beard trait that hasn't been much discussed here at Man Beard Blog, but please don't think that makes it unimportant to us. To help you understand the connection, please conduct the following 3-step thought experiment, which should take about 15 seconds:

Close your eyes and relax your mind.
Picture a pirate. (If it helps, say "AAAARRRRRRR!!" while picturing your pirate.)
Picture 2 more pirates standing next to the first pirate. (If it helps, imagine them greeting each other with "Avast, me matey!" or "Shiver me timbers!"

So how did it go? Do you have the picture? How does it look? Well unless you're fucking retarded and know nothing at all about pirates, your mental picture included beards (approximately two to five). Pirates love beards.

Your picture also included most of the following:

muskets
cutlasses
daggers
pistols
cannons
bottles of rum, whiskey, and grog
various forms of tobacco
saucy wenches, filthy prostitutes, and terrified rape victims

This demonstrates that pirates love regicidal warfare and irrationally exuberant drunken debauchery that puts women in their place, and as a result have an ample number of:

hooks for hands
wooden peg-legs
eye patches
missing teeth
scars
skulls

Your image also might include some flamboyant attire or a parrot companion, demonstrating the underrated artistic creativity of your average pirate.

What this thought experiment demonstrates is that piracy is highly correlated with several other Man Beard traits. Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.

*If you're struggling with this concept, think of it this way: Regicide is a kind of homicide, therefor regicide is homicide. Similarly, as all homicide is not necessarily regicide, all Man Beards are not necessarily pirates. Here it should be further noted that piracy is not a higher form of Man Beard-ness, just an unranked subgroup within the Man Beard realm, whereas regicide is a higher form of homicide, and deicide a higher form of regicide. The homicide-regicide-deicide continuum is like every other Man Beard trait, where more extreme versions of the trait are more Man Beardly (bigger testicles, more fag-stomping, more divine, etc). So while pirates aren't a higher ranking group within the Man Beard world, those who are more piratey (like a drunk bearded toothless guy with 2 peg legs, a hook, and a parrot) are higher Man Beards.

Feline Man Beard!?

2007-02-03T10:40:00.000-05:00

Walt claims to own a Man Beard Cat. I'm not sure if Man Beard status can apply to a non-human, although there are probably some Man Beard chimps and gorillas out there. But can Man Beard extend beyond the primates? I doubt it, but this is a strong case:

my cat may not be a normal man-cat. he may be a man-beard-cat. although not a proper beard, he does have a downwards-pointing triangle of white fur amidst all the black at the top of his chest right under his mouthb. he puts bitches in their place by making my girlfriend pick up his shit. his attempts to commit regicide are well-documented, through his several attempts to trip me on the stairway, and the one time he knocked a rather large wall mirror over onto my head. irrational exuberance is covered basically by being losing his damn mind as soon as anyone either wakes up or comes home. unfortunately, he takes a big hit in the categories of queer stomping and testicles, since he doesn't know what a queer is and is neutered. i'm also not so sure how artistic creativity and divinity could be applied to a cat.

Will Ferrell's world of facial hair

2007-01-25T21:21:00.000-05:00

The utterly preposterous bleach-beard goatee, as worn in Zoolander

Bill Simmons list of the most underrated things about Anchorman includes:
"Burgundy's fake mustache. It's just a little off -- like maybe 1/10th tilted, like they spent an entire day in the makeup room tinkering with it before deciding, "All right, we got it, that's sufficiently ridiculous!""

The audacity! The cockiness! The unrestrained sex-appeal of the Ricky Bobby flavor-saver and sideburns.

A professorial beard, the better for making sweet love to Rachel Dratch, his lovah.

In the exalted history of impersonation facial hair, this beautiful offering comes the closest to revealing to all of humanity exactly what God must have seen on the seventh day of creation, when he looked down and saw that it was good. Will Ferrell you are a DELIGHT!! ... What is your favorite curse word?

I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson! (The cock of the walk, baby!) And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell. (I gotta have more cowbell, baby!) ...and I'll be doing myself a disservice and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this. (Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!) Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell.

beard powerhouses

2007-01-24T17:46:00.000-05:00

Man Beard Blog has traditionally emphasized the bearding achievements of individuals, but today we'd like to pay tribute to the top 3 groups of people whose bearded accomplishments are worthy of special admiration.

1. The top spot on any list of group beardery has got to be the Amish. These guys are the total package: devout* bearding for life, their own unique beard style (no mustache!), and they made fine breads and cheeses for sale in local markets. They keep their women pregnant and in the kitchens, and if you need to do something manly like raise a barn on short notice, you'd be wise to call your bearded Amish friend.

2. Al-Qaeda dramatically crashed into the bearding scene in 2001 and they've been making noise ever since. Their lifelong commitment to beardhood is every bit as strong as the Amish, and they even have charismatic bearded leadership, in Osama Bin Laden and Ayman Zawahiri (pictured at right), who have popularized Islamic beardedness like no others. They live in caves, which is manly as fuck, and let us not overlook their talent for putting women in their place (behind dark cloth from head to toe!). Their only weakness is that their young Man Beard prospects tend to have so much irrational exuberance that they sacrifice themselves before achieving mature beard excellence, so they have a depleted farm system of future Man Beards.

3. Those goofy guys with the long twirlies on the sides of their heads are the proud owners of The Chosen Beards. Hasidim have been growing beards since Moses used his beard to part the Red Sea. They could be higher on this list, except that they're always being persecuted because of their beards, which could be interpreted as a sign of weakness within the Man Beard community. Nevertheless, they've used the magical powers of their beards to endure for hundreds of generations.

*The astute reader will not be at all surprised that all of these groups are religious fundamentalists. Divinity is a well-known Man Beard trait; Man Beards manifesting this trait include Jesus, Charles Darwin, and Zeus. Fundamentalists are the most irrationally exuberant lovers and followers of deities, and killers of kings, and thus we would expect to find some powerhouses of bearding within the fundamentalist communities. Praise be to beard!

The Mini-Beard

2007-01-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

In response to the assignment from MBB creator adspar, the following is the first in a series intended to provide an introduction into the world of facial hair.

The smallest form of a beard consists of only the hairs directly below the lower lip. In beardom, like in real estate, location is everything. This mini-beard must be below and adjacent to the lips, and not include the upper chin. It must also not extend horizontally more than half way to the edge of the mouth. When this style is worn, the hair should not be larger than the size of a quarter. The shape can vary, but must be geometric. The most popular polygons are the triangle (must be isosceles, but not necessarily equilateral) and the rectangle.

There are many widely accepted names for this beard-ito, with the three most popular being:

Soul patch – named because of its popularity with jazz artists in the middle of the 20th century

Stinger – this applies to triangularly shaped beards pointed down (as seen on WSOP winner Joseph Hachem)

Flavor saver – usually intended as an insult, implying that it will trap unwanted debris, like food

The mini-beard is not regarded highly by MBB. It is dark and mysterious, often giving a shady connotation. The root of this swarthiness lies in the mini-beard itself. Not everyone with facial hair is able to grow enough hair in the mini-beard region. Some highly regarded facial hair experts loathe mini-beards, as they feel that exploiting this ability is evil.

Not surprisingly, the mini-beard is most commonly used by individuals who hold themselves in high regard. More specifically, people who think they are better looking than they really are. It is important to understand that for this reason a mini-beard is not a man beard.

Let's get a few things straight

2007-01-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

If you're new to this site, there's something you should know right up front. Man Beard Blog doesn't fuck around with any kind of blogging that isn't about Men, Beards, Man Beards, Beard Blogs, Man Blogs, or Man Beard Blogs. What else would you expect Man Beard Blog to blog about?

Women blog about fucking kitchens and their periods and how they don't have testicles. Don't expect that bullshit here. Man Beards put those bitches in their place, and Man Beard Blog documents it.

Queers blog about homo stuff like their new mustache and how much they love men and man genitals. Don't be coming here thinking you'll get any of that. Man Beards stomp them and Man Beard Blog glorifies it.

Poor people blog about how they don't have any money and how hungry they are. Go back to sleeping in the fucking gutter if you want a hot spoonful of that porridge. Man Beards amass great personal wealth by using their artistic creativity to inspire the penniless fools to make more of their pathetic lives. Then Man Beards eat the impoverished hearts out of their emaciated chests while Man Beard Blog cackles in glee!

Man Beard Blog blogs about piracy, a trait common to the fearsome Man Beards of the sea. YARR!!

Man Beard Blog documents the regicidal achievements of Man Beards, and then cheers their subsequent ascent to a status of eternal divinity. Praise their glory forever!

Man Beard Blog offers testicles, the swollen gonads common to the virile scrotums of many mammalian species. Suck them!

Man Beard: Charles Darwin

2007-01-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

Of all the great historical scientific Man Beards, Charles Darwin is by far the one this post is about. Darwin is a prime exhibit of 3 primary Man Beard characteristics, any one of which by itself would have likely earned him Man Beard status:

Beards: Darwin is famous for his bushy Old Man Beard. Take a few minutes to gaze at the picture of Darwin. Drink in his flowing white evolutionary goodness; such bearded magesty should be savored.
Regicide: Darwin killed God with the release of his 1859 masterpiece, On the Origin of Species, which proposed evolution by common descent as the natural explanation of the diversity of life on earth. Since deicide is the ultimate form of regicide, Darwin's accomplishment ranks high among the all time Man Beard accomplishments.
Divinity: Darwin was the earthly founder and is the central character of worship of followers of Darwinism, a faith-based scientific religion to which most modern biologists adhere. They proclaim Darwin as their own personal god, who answers their theories with evolutionary fact.

Darwin might also have a claim to other Man Beard traits. It seems highly likely that Darwin also possessed testicles of unusual size, given that he fathered at least 10 legitimate children, though Man Beard Blog has been unable to obtain access to his autopsy report to validate this claim. It could also be argued that his theory of evolution is a manifesto of queer-stomping because it proves that queers are an evolutionary dead end. But many modern experts of evolution point out that the very existence of modern homosexuals disproves Darwin, so let's just avoid that subject. We're not here to trample the man's grave, we're here to celebrate his beard and his Man Beard induction!

Next assignment for the intern

2007-01-09T16:09:00.000-05:00

What we're all about here is summed up in our simple equation:

MAN + BEARD + BLOG = MAN BEARD BLOG.

That's all there is to it. We're a simple site, in that our profound greatness grows out of a simple concept, like whiskers from a chin.

Up to this point, I've operated the blog with a preference for proclaiming the glory and exploring the nuance of the Man Beard. My equation has looked more like "Man Beard + Blog = Man Beard Blog." Man Beards are the most interesting kind of man, and they wear the most interesting beards, but in fairness, there's a whole world of beards out there, and not all of them are growing forth from the face of a Man Beard.

This is where Brian comes in. Brian, an established facial hair enthusiast, has been brought on board to help restore balance to the MAN BEARD BLOG equation, by blogging about beards.

So go forth, young intern, Brian the Bard of Beard, and regale us with tales of bearded glory, bearded woe, bearded love, and bearded heartbreak. Massage us with a mustache; goad us with a goatee; scorch us with sideburns; choke us with a chinstrap. Shave, scratch, prune, polish, wax, brush, comb and shampoo us all in a barber-ous fury of beard blogging!

Farewell to a Mighty Man Beard

2007-01-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

While it is always a sad time here at MAN BEARD BLOG when the world loses a prominent Man Beard, we take some solace knowing that Saddam Hussein died in a Man Beard frenzy that will not soon be forgotten.

While weak-minded, smooth-faced, heavily-hyphenated cry-babies complain that the affair was not a "dignified passage to his end" and worry about petty details like execution not being "legal" under Iraqi law, MAN BEARD BLOG knows that this was the only way out for a Man Beard of Saddam's stature.

Just try to imagine the scene: dozens of screaming blood-thirsty Arabs, most of them likely adorned with thick black and grey beards, united in irrationally exuberant regicidal fervor. What more could a Man Beard want for his own hanging?

Saddam Hussein
Brutal Iraqi Dictator, Man Beard
1937 - 2006

In his final moments, Saddam asked "Is this how real men behave?" But I think he knew full well that his executioners were no mere men.

They were Man Beards.

Merry Bearded Christmas

2006-12-25T02:56:00.000-05:00

Introducing Brian, and the story of the Norelco Bodygroom

2006-12-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

When I was first contacted by a female emissary from the Phillips Norelco legion of darkness, I was naturally wary. As the founder of Man Beard Blog, the Internet's premier source of Beard Wisdom, I've grown accustomed to being a high profile target for the forces of hairlessness. Her offer of a free Bodygroom device for review on my site seemed harmless on its bald face, but I've conditioned myself to treat all friendliness from bald faces as a likely trap.

As I was trying to decide which orifice to suggest that this devil-woman make the final resting place of her nefarious anti-beard device, my years devoted to the study of Man Warfare "kicked in" as I remembered the wise words of the immortal fighting Man Beard, Chuck Norris:

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... that way they're always within your roundhouse kick radius."

I admit I felt rather squeamish about accepting the offer from this representative of http://shaveeverywhere.com/ but I realized that it was my duty to the Man Beard Blog community to conduct and disseminate high-level intelligence on the enemy. I decided that I must study the weapon of my foes, so better to know and defeat them.

Inspecting your opponent's sword is one thing, but actually using it on yourself is another, and a step that I knew I'd be unable to take. So I did what the industrious corporate Man Beards do when they need a dirty job done but don't want to do it themselves.

I took on an intern.

Brian had already made his approval of manscaping a matter of public record, and he's an established facial hair enthusiast. While Man Beard Blog cannot condone the former practice (aside from the obvious conflict between hair removal and beard growing, this level of attentiveness to personal grooming sounds a little gay and we all know that Man Beards stomp queers) we begrudgingly admit the need for help from someone with his expertise in this area, and must admit that his infectious enthusiasm for beards of all shapes and sizes is mysteriously endearing.

I hope everyone establishes the appropriate atmosphere of making Brian feel welcome here in his new role while also constantly reminding him of his obvious lack of Man Beard-ness.

Good work on your first assignment, Brian the Intern. And by the way... eeeewwwww!

Product Review- Norelco Bodygroom

2006-12-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

Due to the overwhelming popularity of Man Beard Blog, we were recently asked to review the new Philips Norelco Bodygroom and share our opinions with our readers. As an experienced manscaper and self proclaimed body hair expert, I was anxious to receive the electronic device and begin testing.

I did not have to wait long, as less than 48 hours later I had the ergonomically designed electric razor in hand and was ready to put it to the test.

I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the package, pushed the button and the razor turned on. Less than 30 seconds and I went from holding a FedEx overnight box to eliminating unwanted body hair. It is nice when rechargable electronics come charged. There is nothing worse than getting a present that you really wanted only to find out you have to charge it for 8 hours to use the thing. Not the Bodygroom, the folks at Norelco are better than that.

The cordless trimmer comes with 3 attachments, and from my previous clipping experience I knew that these were intended to control the length to which the follicle was cut. Feeling crazy, I first snapped on the "2" piece and raised my right arm. This is where things got hairy. Armpit hair, especially that has been in a long sleeve shirt under a lowered arm all day, tends to be less coarse than hair on other parts of the body. This was immediately giving me trouble with the razor. It seemed to be combing my armpit hair more than cutting it. The actual cutting blades are not large, and are hidden deep under the attachment. So I felt like each swipe of the Bodygroom was removing only the first few hairs it confronted. Then those hairs were clogging the cutting area and preventing the other hairs from entering the cutting zone. I thought that if I switched to the shorter “1” attachment that the problem would be reduced. It wasn’t, as I was still struggling to cut the hair. I will say that I have had this trouble with underarm hair before. I have a three other devices and have had the same problem with all three. So it is possible that it’s not the cutting instrument, it’s me. Needless to say, when I removed the clip and went with the zero I was more successful in removing the hair from under my arm. Then I realized that at no point did I ever intend to remove all the hair from under my arm. Ouch. Not good so far, Bodygroom. On to my chest hair…

Luckily for the BG I don’t have much hair on my chest nor do I want any. Since the clips were already removed, using the BG to remove all the hairs was simple. One of the best features is that it has a cutting edge on both sides. This feature is nullified when using an attachment. However, on level zero the user is able to cut hair on both strokes for an increased rate of hair removal. This took much less time than cutting in the first zone mentioned.

The last area that I attempted to trim was my groin area. PS I have never refered to or heard anyone refer to pubic hair as groin area hair. I honestly felt like this is what the BG was made to do. I found that the hair in this location had a different texture that allowed it to be cut much more efficiently with the design of the BG. I started with the level 3 attachment and noticed that the hair was not being clogged as in area 1. In fact it was just the opposite, I felt like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands. It was only a matter of minutes before I moved down to level 2 and re-cut.

It was in region 3 that I really appreciated the shape of the product. Historically, I have issues due to my angle of attack and relative location of the hair to my hands. I had no trouble positioning the cutting machine and I was hacking away. I feel like I was able to remove hair that I was previously unable to reach. I was also able to put the razor in areas that I normally would not place a cutting device. This is because of the position of the cutting blades relative to the attachments. I did not feel like I was at risk for cutting myself. To explain more clearly, all forms of clippers involve some sort of blade. In most cases, this means two teeth shaped metal blades on top of one another. When the blades vibrate or move, the hairs in between the teeth are cut by the teeth of the other blade. This works well to cut hair, however, it also cuts anything that enters between the two blades. Region 3 is an area that is not as smooth as your back and the tension in your skin isn’t always as consistent. Without getting into too much detail, I have injured myself before and am always very careful to make sure it doesn’t happen again. With the BG it was not a concern. I would be foolish to say it couldn’t happen, but with the design I don’t think I came close to cutting myself.

I performed all of this hair removal in the shower to contain the hairs. One of the worst things about removing body hair is my inability to control where it goes after removal. There are very few things as gross as finding tiny hair pieces all over the bathroom for days. Like grabbing your retainer on your way to bed and finding tiny pieces of dark hair. This is when you try not to think about what region it is from, until you taste what you think is Gold Bond and can no longer fall asleep.

Anyways, in the shower I was able to contain and then vacuum (because I never turned on the water) all of the hairs. The box says that the BG can be used wet or dry, so during future body maintenance I may try using it while showering. I just wouldn’t recommend it if you are going to be removing a decent amount of hair or else your drain will probably get clogged.

After I stepped out of the shower I removed the cutting blade (I think it is supposed to be easily removable, otherwise I broke it already…) and cleanup was a breeze. It was just then that I noticed there was a mesh screen between the two blades. I own an electric razor (although I don’t use it much either) and I know the foil on the top of the BG was for removing very short pieces of hair. I concluded that this hypoallergenic foil was to complete the hair removal process, if you were looking for complete hair removal. Since I am not filming any adult movies anytime soon, I had no desire to use this feature anywhere on my body… except my face. Without thinking I turned the BG back on and began rubbing the razor all over my face. Having just shaved with a normal razor this morning I had very little hair to cut. However, what little stubble that I had was removed by the BG. Next time I should go from face to the rest of my body, as opposed to from region 3 to my face. That was entirely my fault though.

After I finished shaving, I reviewed the packaging and the website and I noticed that this product is not advertised as a facial razor. That reinforced my thoughts, that it cut shorter and more coarse hair more effectively. While it was able to cut facial hairs, that is not what it is born to do. vI felt that it performed best in region 3. This is probably not a surprise to the creators of the project, but I could see how they may have trouble pitching a male private part razor.

Overall, I would give the Bodygroom a thumbs up. I found that it outperformed all of the other products I have used for the same purpose, removing hair from the groin region. Further, it was very easy and fun to use, without compromising performance or safety. I think it would make a good present for any boyfriend or brother, in particular if they are between the ages of 18 and 40 and are troubled with unwanted hair in their most personal regions.

If you are interested, you can purchase one here.

A special thanks to Melanie for providing Man Beard Blog the opportunity to review this new product!

Exciting times at MBB

2006-12-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

We've got some good stuff coming up soon.

Maryland Renaissance Festival

2006-10-09T19:26:00.000-04:00

I hit up the Ren-Fest this weekend and it was Man Beard overload. So many wonderful beards. Also, lots of cleavage, which was paradoxically a terrible thing. If you've been there, you know what I mean.

(G)ARRRR

2006-09-20T15:27:00.000-04:00

International Talk Like a Pirate Day came and went with nary a mention here on Man Beard Blog, a sad commentary on the state of things considering piracy is a critical Man Beard qualification. Hopefully I'll find a way to make up for this inattentiveness.

Man Beard puzzle: Andre Agassi

2006-09-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

Is Andre Agassi a Man Beard?

This ESPN commentary says that Agassi finished his tennis career "manfully" and includes a picture of young Andre's brash beard. He is very wealthy, a little crazy, and he sometimes looks like a pirate.

The challenge of trying to assess his worthiness for Man Beard status is that he changed so much over the years. For example, he has a long history of facial hair, but recently he's been totally clean shaven. So that's a strike against him I guess.

Another strike would be that his irrational exuberance probably peaked over 15 years ago, but on the other hand his divinity has steadily increased to the point where he's now a full-blooded tennis deity.

Artistic creativity is an important Man Beard trait that he exhibited in abundance in his early years with his outrageous attire. His garb has been more conventional lately, but does artistic creativity ever really go away? I suspect it has stayed with him but taken on new forms.

So I put the question to the Man Beard readers. Is Andre Agassi a Man Beard? Justify your response.

Man Beard flaw?

2006-08-29T14:44:00.000-04:00

I guess if I had to name one problem with Man Beards it would be that they sometimes seem to forget that the rest of society doesn't always approve of Man Beard behavior. Luckily the wisely bearded judicial system invented the insanity plea (secretly known as the "Man Beard clause") to help protect Man Beards from society and its prejudices. If you think it seems like society needs protection from Man Beards, you're fucking absolutely right, but you probably don't have a single hair on your chin.

In an unrelated story, Eric notes that Jeff Reardon was found not guilty by reason of insanity for robbing a liquor store.

The Ultimate Beard-Off

2006-08-21T23:14:00.000-04:00

We've covered a lot here at Man Beard Blog, but there is still a beardload of bearded man-goodness out there that needs to be blogged.

We all know the equation:

MAN + BEARD + BLOG = MAN BEARD BLOG

But beyond that simple arithmetic is a vast and complex world. A world full of men, full of beards, and full of blogs. A world with beard blogs and man blogs. And most importantly, it is a world full of Man Beards. This is where it all comes together. This is Man Beard Blog.

It isn't always easy.

Tonight as I was reclining upon my fine leather couch, contemplating the next Man Beard Blog entry, I decided that there must be a good number of Man Beards who haven't yet been mentioned in this nascent offering. If this blog was a beard, it would still be a five o'clock shadow. I decided that in order to promote this blog to genuine stubble status, I need to enshrine the greatest remaining Man Beard.

And right as I decided that, the following 8 things all entered my brain within a fraction of a second. Understand that while they are 8 distinct and sequential thoughts, they all exploded into my head together at once, leaving me cowering in fear.

How do you decide who is the greatest unmentioned Man Beard?
There has to be some kind of massive beard-off.
Aha! A tournament of single-elimination 1 on 1 beard-offs!
Nah, that would be way too much effort.
Let's just figure out who would be the finalists of the beard-off.
For the salty love of all beards, this must be.
Oh fuck, this is impossible.

I spent the next few seconds trying to put the shambles of my life back together. The ultimate beard-off was excruciatingly within my sights, and yet unreachable. Beard arithmetic became beard Pythagorean theorem; there was no answer.

And that is when I realized that no answer is the answer. You just can't pit Sean Connery against Chuck Norris. The mere idea is simply too much for the human mind to comprehend, and we're all better off if we just let it go.

Snakes on a Man Beard

2006-08-21T11:16:00.000-04:00

A Man Beard doesn't sneak around and try to be something he's not. He just comes right out and tells you what he is, usually by way of the visual spectacle adorning his face. After all, a beardless man can always wear a fake beard, but it is pretty damn hard for a Man Beard in full regalia to appear clean-shaven.

And a Man Beard doesn't apologize for what he is either. He doesn't give a shit if you like him or not. A Man Beard is comfortable in his own skin (unless his skin is surrounded by poisonous snakes). A Man Beard is always rated R, even when its production studio tries to make it into a PG beard, because a Man Beard will get all the beard blogs to rally for more T&A and profanity. Man Beards love T&A and profanity.

Snakes on a Plane is like the Man Beard of movies. Aside from its in-your-face beardesque title, SoaP has everything a Man Beard wants in a movie: snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as beardloads full of gratuitous nudity, violence and F-Bombs.

Plus at the end there's a music video featuring Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson with a sweet black and white beard. Oh and Julianna Margulies is on the plane too. She's ok I guess.

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

2006-08-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

Walter Sobchak respects the rules. He quotes Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, and knows when a rug ties a room together. He's a Vietnam veteran, a bowler, and a Polish-Catholic turned Jew. He once dabbled in pacifism (not in Vietnam of course).

He'll dive out of a moving car, single-handedly beat the shit out of 3 nihilists, knock over a crippled guy's wheelchair, and he'll get you a toe by 3 o'clock - with nail polish. There are ways. You don't want to know about it, believe me.

Walter Sobchak is a Man Beard.

Which isn't to say Walter doesn't have flaws. But unlike that phony Kenny Rogers, Walter's weaknesses flow from his Man Beard characteristics. Yeah, he dog-sits his ex-wife's Pomeranian, but he sure as shit doesn't fucking roll on shabbos. He might be living in the past, but at least it is a past with 3000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax.

To put it into Man Beard terms, Walter's failure to put that woman in her place is because of his irrational exuberance. He's a little bit crazy. But that is what makes him such a potent Man Beard. Would a sane person brandish a firearm to resolve a bowling dispute? Or take a crowbar to a sports car to teach a punk kid a lesson? If that same irrational exuberance leads to him occasionally taking care of a fucking show dog with fucking papers, so be it. It's all part of his sick Cynthia thing.

Walter Sobchack's Man Beard says:

"The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

"Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, ya know domestic... within the city... That ain't legal either."

"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

Even the f**king trees have beards

2006-08-10T20:35:00.000-04:00

A Beard Scratch to some bald guy!

2006-08-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

In the wake of this Kenny Rogers debacle, I think we could all use some inspiration to buoy our spirits. At Man Beard Blog, we recognize that we're only here blogging beards because other brave bearded bloggers paved the way, and I can think of nothing more uplifting than paying tribute to those revolutionary Man Beards. As so today let us give a hearty Beard Scratch to a true pioneer in beard blogging: this guy.

The Man Beard that never was

2006-08-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

It is hard not to feel betrayed when you look at those pictures. I find it painful to behold a once-glorious Man Beard hacked up into a grotesque distortion of his former self. How could The Gambler have fallen so far? How could the great Country Man Beard show up on American Idol looking like Michael Jackson circa 2000?

Man Beard Blog thanks Mike for bringing this issue to our attention. Eric has also suggested that Kenny's Man Beard status should be revoked. This brings up a difficult question: once a man earns Man Beard status, can it be taken away? Is the Man Beard strictly held to Man Beard standards forever, or has he earned the right to slip up now and then?

Luckily, we won't be forced to answer these questions because Kenny Rogers was never a Man Beard to begin with. Did you actually read that shit?! Not only does he openly admit to having plastic surgery in his mid-60s to reduce the appearance of aging, he says that he had "a lot more a long time ago" and that Dolly Parton used to "kid" him about it!

Is this a fucking joke? Not only was his entire Man Beard appearance just freak science from the very beginning, but he was mocked by Dolly Parton. I don't care that he makes delicious chicken, no Man Beard takes shit from a bimbo with boobs bigger than her cranium.

If all that isn't bad enough he goes on to cry that the media made him hack up his face:

But like everybody I blame the media for it. The first six years of my career, I got more comments on my weight than on my singing. So I think I became so self-conscious that I started working on it harder.

I think when you're in the public eye, you feel a pressure to stay younger looking. I guess that's what makes the guys who don't do it so special. I've always said that gray hair looks good on everybody but yourself. To me, it makes me look old.

Seriously, this guy totally pulled a fast one on us, being listed as a Man Beard for 23 hours. At least he seems to know what a huge joke he is. Man Beard blog knows when to walk away and when to run. And it is time to run away from Kenny Rogers.

Country Man Beard

2006-08-07T11:59:00.000-04:00

Man Beards know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.

They know when to walk away, and when to run.

Man Beards never count their money when they're sitting at the table.

They know there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done.

Man Beards know where to find the world's greatest rotisserie chicken, and that the wood makes it good.

And so Man Beard Blog salutes the great patriarchal Man Beard of country music, Mr. Kenny Rogers. His glistening white beard delivers the 3 things that Man Beards crave most: beautiful songs, sagacious wisdom, and delicious roasted chicken.

Proof that Jesus was a Man Beard

2006-08-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

List of known facts:

Using simple logic we can conclude:

Beards are divine
Killing kings is divine
Jesus likes fag-stomping
Jesus hates women

Ergo:

Jesus was a masterful Man Beard.

Q.E.D.

Homophobia

2006-08-05T12:56:00.000-04:00

Some ignorant people might think that writing about the beauty and majesty of another man's beard is a "gay" thing to do. Well those people are probably stupid queers themselves and they're just projecting. There's no such thing as a queer beard, so you better stomp those fags if you want to be a Man Beard.

Man Beards hate homos. God made ~~man and woman~~ Adam and Eve, not ~~man and man~~ Adam and Steve. If it somehow turns out that God made gays, regicidal Man Beards will kill God and then kill his gays.

Don't forget that Man Beards semi-secretly hate women too. How could that be gay?

Now if you homos will excuse me, I need to scour the internet for more pictures of beards and male genitals.

Regicidal Gladiator Man Beard

2006-08-04T16:36:00.000-04:00

Gladiator has much to teach us about Man Beards. The movie offers many things from the Man Beard list, including beards, fag-stomping, irrational exuberance, putting women in their place, and regicide. I think its most important lesson for us is that regicide is only manly if conducted in accordance with other Man Beard principles.

Let us first examine the plot.

Maximus, armored in a gritty Battle Beard, leads his men to victory in Germania with "strength and honor."

Knowing his white beard's strength is waning, Marcus Aurelius chooses Maximus as heir to his throne.

Prince Commodus uses trickery to become king, by secretly killing the Caesar and claiming his father's throne. Commodus feels inadequate in his beardlessness and wants to do his own sister.

Meanwhile Maximus is trained to be a gladiator by Proximo, whose beard is a resonating symbol of his old man strength.

Eventually Gladiator Maximum lures Emperor Commodus into the arena and easily kills him despite receiving a lethal cheap shot backstage.

We see that both Maximus and Commodus commit regicide. Yet only Maximus is a true Man Beard because he excelled in other areas of manhood while Commodus is a miserable man-failure.

I'll concede that Commodus gets the better of Maximus when it comes to irrational exuberance, wanting to be loved by the people so much that he rushes into a duel with a highly trained killing machine. But Commodus is so inferior in every other way that he will never be seriously considered for Man Beard status.

A big problem for Commodus is that he is a huge queer. Only queers have incestuous longings. How could he possibly fag-stomp if he's a fag himself? Maximus not only stomps that queer, but he does it while simultaneously committing regicide, making his regicidal act far more impressive.

Commodus' next issue is that he is a snivelling little pussy. Setting aside the fact that she was his sister, if you are the Emperor of Rome, and you want to get it on with a bitch, you make it happen. If she doesn't want to do it, you remind her that you're the man and then you put that woman in her place. Commodus just giggled and sulked like a scolded child. Maximus knew exactly what he wanted from her, knew exactly how to put that bitch in her place.

But most importantly, Maximus always offered a respectable Man Beard. From the unkempt Battle Beard in the opening scene to his neatly-trimmed Show Beard for the final stroke, the Spaniard's face was always adorned with hair. Commodus could barely manage a 5 o'clock shadow in an age without the Mach 3 razor. Pathetic.

Men don't like being told what to do, so they hate authority figures. There is no greater way to express that disdain than killing a king. But Gladiator teaches us that only when performed in conjunction with other manly things does regicide truly become the sport of Man Beards.

(By the way I heard that Russell Crowe has testicles the size of tangerines.)

Testicles

2006-08-04T13:43:00.000-04:00

Man Beard Blog is about being manly, and there are things other than beards that are important to being a Man Beard.

Testicles are manly. They produce testosterone and sperm and they hang in the scrotum. In mammals, testicular size corresponds to the number of mates, so men with bigger testicles must have sex with more women and are obviously more manly as a result.

A man with a beard will usually have testicles. A man with an impressive beard will most likely have huge testicles.

The testicles of a true Man Beard are gigantic, unless perhaps they were wounded in battle, although many Man Beards are so virile that they can spontaneously regenerate severed testicles. In addition to their power of healing, Man Beard Balls are known to have other magical powers. Michael McDonald's are so large that no Mexican woman can resist the temptation to touch them.

Michael McDonald: Motown Man Beard

2006-08-04T11:53:00.000-04:00

Try to tell me you've never looked with envy upon the face of Michael McDonald, and I'll know you're either a liar or a God. This guy has been dazzling audiences with his blue-eyed soul and his trademark beard for decades.

Thanks to Eric for nominating McDonald for Man Beard status, but frankly this is a man for whom nomination is merely a formality. You see, the nomination process is polite and democratic and it creates the appearance of fairness. But our dark little secret at Man Beard Blog is that there's nothing democratic or fair about beards. God has either given you a glorious beard or he hasn't.

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

Floyd Landis: American Man Beard, Jean Reno: French Man Beard

2006-08-04T01:34:00.000-04:00

Cycling is a profession that demands an aerodynamic facial situation. His beard might not have the flair of Mel Gibson's, but make no mistake about it: Floyd Landis is a Man Beard.

Landis has defiantly insisted that his Tour of France victory was not tainted by the use of steroids, claiming that the test result that flagged an unusually high level of testosterone wasn't the result of doping. He said "the levels that I've had during the Tour and all my career are natural and produced by my own organism."

Floyd Landis has a manly organism that produces abnormally high levels of testosterone, which would explain the presence of a pretty decent looking beard under the circumstances.

Landis rejects authority, saying "I ask not to be judged, or much less to be sentenced by anyone."

He then went on to cement his Man Beard by asserting: "I was the strongest guy. I deserved to win, and I'm proud of it."

We here at the Man Beard Blog suspect that France and/or the French are somehow to blame for this, since they have an unusually low concentration of Man Beards in their population, Jean Reno nonwithstanding. If Landis is not vindicated by the second drug test, we will be forced to conclude that Leon the Professional was involved in some kind of urine substitution sting to frame the American Man Beard.

Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein: Man Beards

2006-08-04T00:20:00.000-04:00

The biggest news in beards right now has to be the impressive specimen that famous actor Mel Gibson is sporting, which many are noting has a striking resemblance to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's bushy monstrosity.

Gibson is in the news because he got plastered then made anti-Semitic comments and insulted police officers while being arrested for drunk driving. Hussein is a ruthless dictator who refused to acknowledge the authority of the courts while on trial for committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Both men wear fantastic multi-colored beards that must scare the shit out of small children.

These two share many other traits that are highly valued here at Man Beard Blog:

Virility, proven by their exceptional beards
Contempt for legal authorities
Vast personal wealth
Misogyny
Wide-eyed enthusiasm for a noble cause
Defiance of those who call them insane
Insanity
Massive Testicles

Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

2006-06-21T00:20:00.000-04:00

MAN BEARD BLOG NOTE: This was copied with permission from See For Yourself. We're pretty sure that this is a hilarious farce. If adspar was actually serious with this, he'd be a disgrace to Man Beards.

I once told Robert F. Kennedy that only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. It is in that spirit that I write today, and I dedicate this blog entry to the eternal memory of my great wisdom. You see, it takes a great man to tell someone how wrong they are, but it takes a perfect man to admit to his own imperfections. So as the greatest of all perfect men, I shall defy paradox in this charitable effort to enlighten you the reader.

You might recall that last fall I published Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. It contained what I thought at the time was valuable information about cultivating facial hair and beating women. I truly believed in the righteousness of beards and the worthlessness of females, and all of my words and deeds flowed from those deeply-held beliefs. I held them deep within my soul; they nourished me.

Yet here I am today, publishing Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. If you're wondering why the change of heart, either you haven't seen The DaVinci Code or you're an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the central message of the movie. But that's ok. I'm here to help you.

In the movie, Tom Hanks teaches us that the Catholic Church has sponsored a huge conspiracy to hide the fact that Jesus was married to a prostitute and that his whore-wife, Mary Magdalene, is really the one we should all be worshipping.

It is shocking information that will shake things up across the whole world, but we know it is true because Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor of seismology so he knows what will shake the earth. And if that isn't enough proof, Gandalf showed us how the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles painted a picture when he was at dinner with Jesus one time, and if you look at his painting you can see how Mary Magdalene was there being a whore right in front of Jesus. And if that isn't enough, the space between Jesus and his wife makes a letter V, which stands for Vagina.

Watching this movie, I began to realize that something was wrong with my life. I had been hating women because they were such whores. But if the True Savior was really a prostitute, that would have to mean that women aren't such a bunch of worthless bitches after all. And so Tom Hanks taught me to embrace the sacred feminine and the Holy Grail of her Vagina.

But if women were to be admired rather than despised, that clearly meant that beards had to be despised rather than admired. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. Revisiting my list of bearded heros, I saw that nothing good ever came from wearing a beard.

Famous Beards:

PJ Carlisimo - This guy is best known for being choked by a player on his team. Maybe if he learned how to use a razor Latrell would have had more respect for him.
ZZ Top - I can't even name one song they sing. I think maybe they sing that one song that goes "but now I might be mistaken, a ha ha ha ha!" but I'm not sure. If it was them, I guess that is a bit cool, but still, you can't understand another word in that song. They could probably enunciate more clearly if they hacked the disgusting masses of hair off their faces.
Sigmund Freud - The guy literally called everyone in the whole world a mother-fucker. Get a razor, a-hole.
Blackbeard - This guy was an evil, thieving, drunken pirate whose beard was crucial to his identity. His reign of terror didn't even last 3 years before he was beheaded by Robert Maynard.
Ricky Williams - He keeps getting suspended from NFL for drug use. And now he is so deeply in debt that he had to get a job in Canada. Pathetic.
Abe Lincoln - He tried to a good deed by freeing the slaves, but in the end his beard caught up to him, as he assassinated while watching some crappy play.
Zeus - He used to have a lot of bearded power, but he was debunked by Jesus.
Jesus - He used to have a lot of power, but he was debunked by Tom Hanks. His famous beard was such good padding that his "turn the other cheek" advice made some sense for him. But then he took that message to far as he let the Romans torture and execute him. If he had shaved his beard sooner, he might have realized that getting slapped across the face hurts. Then he would have called his father to totally beat down the Romans and his wife wouldn't have been suppressed by the Catholics.

We can all see a clear trend. Beards lead to substance abuse and often-lethal violence.

Tom Hanks' message was foreshadowed by Will Ferrell when the darkest days of Ron Burgandy's life were marked by the presence of a bushy beard. When the Anchorman wanted to get his life back on track, he knew that the beard had to go. Milk was a bad choice because milk comes from the sacred feminine, which naturally clashes with any brambling beard.

Yet still the milk nourished him, just as my hatred of women had nourished me. This subtle twist of irony brings me back to where I started: admitting that I was wrong to endorse the growing of beards and the hating of women.

Thanks to The DaVinci Code, my life is back on track:

I now see that God loves Tom Hanks, women, and smooth-faced asian men.
I believe that clean-shaven men are to be commended for their decision to embrace beardlessness.
I know that Jesus was a phoney, and that his beard led to 2,000 years of lies.
I understand that the only good beards belong to clams because the V is in and the cross is out.
I've atoned for my sins by promoting these truths.

Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

2005-10-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

MAN BEARD BLOG NOTE: This was copied with permission from See For Yourself.

So you've been thinking about growing a beard? Good for you! Beard growing has been a favorite past-time for thousands of years. But beards aren't just for fun and games - the mighty Zeus (image on right) summoned the power of his great beard to help him kill his father, Cronos. Will Ferrell made reference to the legend of Zeus's beard in his recent film, Anchorman.

Many famous people and other historical figures are known for their beards.

Famous Beards:

Abraham Lincoln - 16th President of the United States

Jesus - savior of all mankind

Ricky Williams - troubled NFL running back

Blackbeard - pirate

Sigmund Freud - psychologist, father of psychoanalysis

ZZ Top - rock band

PJ Carlisimo - basketball coach

So you've decided to grow your beard, but are unsure how to proceed. You've come to the right place.

Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing:

Step 1: Be a man*

Many of the world's nations have granted women the right to vote and the privilege of serving in the military. Sadly, women's rights are still woefully archaic when it comes to beard growing. The vast majority of the world's female population will never be able to grow much, if any, facial hair. While this may be unfair, it is important to realize that not all men who opt to wear a beard are misogynists. In fact, many bearded men are great supporters of the feminist movement, as Will Ferrell taught us with Rachel Dratch.

Politics aside, by being a man you will have completed the first step of growing your beard. Congratulations! Continue on to step 2.

Step 2: Stop shaving

Most men without beards shave their faces on a somewhat regular schedule. Cease this behavior immediately!!! Shaving is the great enemy of beards, and as razor blade technology advances, your beard could be in considerable danger. By shaving every day, you decrease your chances of growing a beard by over 99%.

Step 3: Wait 1 to 12 weeks

Depending on how much of a man you are, and how little you shave, you should have your beard within a week to several months. Also, hopefully all the women stopped reading after step 1, so now I can say that they are all worthless bitches. I'm glad they don't get to have beards. In fact, I've dedicated my own beard to my hatred of all females. I find it an abomination that the right of a bearded man to beat his wife has been threatened. I'm sure Will Ferrell would agree.

Step 4: Enjoy your beard.

Every beard is different, and they can all be enjoyed!

Good luck finding new and exciting ways to enjoy your own special beard. Be creative!

Thank you for reading Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing! May God bless you and your beard, and may Satan curse all women to beardless hellfire for all eternity.

And remember, if your wife doesn't like your new beard, you know how to change that whore's mind.

* Disclaimer: for best beard results, don't be Asian.