Testicles

Man Beard Blog is about being manly, and there are things other than beards that are important to being a Man Beard.

Testicles are manly. They produce testosterone and sperm and they hang in the scrotum. In mammals, testicular size corresponds to the number of mates, so men with bigger testicles must have sex with more women and are obviously more manly as a result.

A man with a beard will usually have testicles. A man with an impressive beard will most likely have huge testicles.

The testicles of a true Man Beard are gigantic, unless perhaps they were wounded in battle, although many Man Beards are so virile that they can spontaneously regenerate severed testicles. In addition to their power of healing, Man Beard Balls are known to have other magical powers. Michael McDonald's are so large that no Mexican woman can resist the temptation to touch them.

Michael McDonald: Motown Man Beard

Try to tell me you've never looked with envy upon the face of Michael McDonald, and I'll know you're either a liar or a God. This guy has been dazzling audiences with his blue-eyed soul and his trademark beard for decades.

Thanks to Eric for nominating McDonald for Man Beard status, but frankly this is a man for whom nomination is merely a formality. You see, the nomination process is polite and democratic and it creates the appearance of fairness. But our dark little secret at Man Beard Blog is that there's nothing democratic or fair about beards. God has either given you a glorious beard or he hasn't.

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

Floyd Landis: American Man Beard, Jean Reno: French Man Beard

Cycling is a profession that demands an aerodynamic facial situation. His beard might not have the flair of Mel Gibson's, but make no mistake about it: Floyd Landis is a Man Beard.

Landis has defiantly insisted that his Tour of France victory was not tainted by the use of steroids, claiming that the test result that flagged an unusually high level of testosterone wasn't the result of doping. He said "the levels that I've had during the Tour and all my career are natural and produced by my own organism."

Floyd Landis has a manly organism that produces abnormally high levels of testosterone, which would explain the presence of a pretty decent looking beard under the circumstances.

Landis rejects authority, saying "I ask not to be judged, or much less to be sentenced by anyone."

He then went on to cement his Man Beard by asserting: "I was the strongest guy. I deserved to win, and I'm proud of it."

We here at the Man Beard Blog suspect that France and/or the French are somehow to blame for this, since they have an unusually low concentration of Man Beards in their population, Jean Reno nonwithstanding. If Landis is not vindicated by the second drug test, we will be forced to conclude that Leon the Professional was involved in some kind of urine substitution sting to frame the American Man Beard.

Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein: Man Beards

The biggest news in beards right now has to be the impressive specimen that famous actor Mel Gibson is sporting, which many are noting has a striking resemblance to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's bushy monstrosity.

Gibson is in the news because he got plastered then made anti-Semitic comments and insulted police officers while being arrested for drunk driving. Hussein is a ruthless dictator who refused to acknowledge the authority of the courts while on trial for committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Both men wear fantastic multi-colored beards that must scare the shit out of small children.

These two share many other traits that are highly valued here at Man Beard Blog:

• Virility, proven by their exceptional beards
• Contempt for legal authorities
• Vast personal wealth
  
• Misogyny
• Wide-eyed enthusiasm for a noble cause
• Defiance of those who call them insane
  
• Insanity
• Massive Testicles
  

Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

MAN BEARD BLOG NOTE: This was copied with permission from See For Yourself. We're pretty sure that this is a hilarious farce. If adspar was actually serious with this, he'd be a disgrace to Man Beards.

I once told Robert F. Kennedy that only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. It is in that spirit that I write today, and I dedicate this blog entry to the eternal memory of my great wisdom. You see, it takes a great man to tell someone how wrong they are, but it takes a perfect man to admit to his own imperfections. So as the greatest of all perfect men, I shall defy paradox in this charitable effort to enlighten you the reader.

You might recall that last fall I published Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. It contained what I thought at the time was valuable information about cultivating facial hair and beating women. I truly believed in the righteousness of beards and the worthlessness of females, and all of my words and deeds flowed from those deeply-held beliefs. I held them deep within my soul; they nourished me.

Yet here I am today, publishing Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. If you're wondering why the change of heart, either you haven't seen The DaVinci Code or you're an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the central message of the movie. But that's ok. I'm here to help you.

In the movie, Tom Hanks teaches us that the Catholic Church has sponsored a huge conspiracy to hide the fact that Jesus was married to a prostitute and that his whore-wife, Mary Magdalene, is really the one we should all be worshipping.

It is shocking information that will shake things up across the whole world, but we know it is true because Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor of seismology so he knows what will shake the earth. And if that isn't enough proof, Gandalf showed us how the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles painted a picture when he was at dinner with Jesus one time, and if you look at his painting you can see how Mary Magdalene was there being a whore right in front of Jesus. And if that isn't enough, the space between Jesus and his wife makes a letter V, which stands for Vagina.



Watching this movie, I began to realize that something was wrong with my life. I had been hating women because they were such whores. But if the True Savior was really a prostitute, that would have to mean that women aren't such a bunch of worthless bitches after all. And so Tom Hanks taught me to embrace the sacred feminine and the Holy Grail of her Vagina.

But if women were to be admired rather than despised, that clearly meant that beards had to be despised rather than admired. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. Revisiting my list of bearded heros, I saw that nothing good ever came from wearing a beard.

Famous Beards:

1. PJ Carlisimo - This guy is best known for being choked by a player on his team. Maybe if he learned how to use a razor Latrell would have had more respect for him.
   
2. ZZ Top - I can't even name one song they sing. I think maybe they sing that one song that goes "but now I might be mistaken, a ha ha ha ha!" but I'm not sure. If it was them, I guess that is a bit cool, but still, you can't understand another word in that song. They could probably enunciate more clearly if they hacked the disgusting masses of hair off their faces.
   
3. Sigmund Freud - The guy literally called everyone in the whole world a mother-fucker. Get a razor, a-hole.
   
4. Blackbeard - This guy was an evil, thieving, drunken pirate whose beard was crucial to his identity. His reign of terror didn't even last 3 years before he was beheaded by Robert Maynard.
   
5. Ricky Williams - He keeps getting suspended from NFL for drug use. And now he is so deeply in debt that he had to get a job in Canada. Pathetic.
   
6. Abe Lincoln - He tried to a good deed by freeing the slaves, but in the end his beard caught up to him, as he assassinated while watching some crappy play.
   
7. Zeus - He used to have a lot of bearded power, but he was debunked by Jesus.
   
8. Jesus - He used to have a lot of power, but he was debunked by Tom Hanks. His famous beard was such good padding that his "turn the other cheek" advice made some sense for him. But then he took that message to far as he let the Romans torture and execute him. If he had shaved his beard sooner, he might have realized that getting slapped across the face hurts. Then he would have called his father to totally beat down the Romans and his wife wouldn't have been suppressed by the Catholics.
   

We can all see a clear trend. Beards lead to substance abuse and often-lethal violence.

Tom Hanks' message was foreshadowed by Will Ferrell when the darkest days of Ron Burgandy's life were marked by the presence of a bushy beard. When the Anchorman wanted to get his life back on track, he knew that the beard had to go. Milk was a bad choice because milk comes from the sacred feminine, which naturally clashes with any brambling beard.

Yet still the milk nourished him, just as my hatred of women had nourished me. This subtle twist of irony brings me back to where I started: admitting that I was wrong to endorse the growing of beards and the hating of women.

Thanks to The DaVinci Code, my life is back on track:

• I now see that God loves Tom Hanks, women, and smooth-faced asian men.
• I believe that clean-shaven men are to be commended for their decision to embrace beardlessness.
• I know that Jesus was a phoney, and that his beard led to 2,000 years of lies.
• I understand that the only good beards belong to clams because the V is in and the cross is out.
• I've atoned for my sins by promoting these truths.