Man Beard Blog: new lows?

These are the kinds of emails you get when you run MAN BEARD BLOG:

Dear Adspar,

Men's grooming is no longer exclusive to a guy's face – as we see everyday in celebrity images, male grooming now encompasses everything from the hair on their toes to the cowlick on their heads, and everywhere in between. Celebrities today offer a wide range of male grooming examples: Jake Gyllenhaal with his sexy stubble, David Beckham with his smooth pecs, Diddy and his affinity for manscaping, etc.

Philips Norelco is proud to step up to this total body grooming trend with a line of products that allows men to customize the full gamut of their body hair. Here are two of the newest grooming tools to help men achieve a sexy, customized look.

Philips Norelco Stubble Trimmer is the first of its kind in the United States and allows men to maintain a signature level of facial hair with unbelievably precise cutting.The perfect stubble, normally, is nearly impossible to maintain without a constant routine of shaving, growing, shaving, growing, but now this sexy look can be easily achieved and maintained with the introduction of the Philips Norelco Stubble Trimmer - available August 13.

Though guys can usually find any excuse to avoid the barbershop, they can now customize their look in the ease and comfort of their own homes. The Philips Norelco 180 Degree Clipper has a head that rotates for easy DIY hair cuts - even in the hard to reach places around the neck and ears. Hair length can also be fully customized with 10 adjustable length settings and 2 combs - for either an even buzz cut or just a little off the top.

Dean Holcombe, Creative Director at Cutler Salons in NYC, is available to discuss the fully flaring stubble trend, as well as give tips on how to most effectively use the hair clippers.

Please let me know if you are interested in scheduling a meeting with Dean or would like more information on either of the products.

Best,
Tanya

Tanya Rynders
Assistant Account Executive
a: 1675 Broadway, New York, NY 10019
o: 212-468-3628
e: Tanya.Rynders@mslworldwide.com
w: mslworldwide.com

Wow.

Beard Humor?

Part of our job here at MAN BEARD BLOG is to stay abreast of important developments in bearding and beard-related matters, so as to have a positive impact on the greater beard community. One such matter is beard humor, so we've been known to scour the internet for the latest beard jokes. This is a popular offering, available in several of the top Google hits:

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Man Beard Blog is frightfully alarmed at the state of beard humor if this is one of the best offerings. We're not even sure if it is really a joke. It might be mildly funny if the punchline was that a man with such a healthy beard that he can maintain regular sexual relations with two women would consider shaving said beard at the request of one of said women. That really wouldn't have been a punchline, more like an amusing premise. The source of the humor is that we all know that such a man would, in reality, flatly deny the indecent request, and proceed to put said woman in her place with some combination of witty insults and physical violence. It is fairly amusing juxtaposition, we'll grant. (In fact we're having a little chuckle now just thinking about it.)

But that can't even be the purported punchline, because the "joke" keeps going, and in fact takes a dark turn as James actually succumbs to the whims of this vile tempstress. No explanation is offered for this catastophic blunder blundering catastrophe tragic devastation devastating tragedy massive fuck-up.

In the end, the whole thing seems more like a Samson and Delilah parable (a story told in our book) than a joke, as James loses his wife's love (to a beardless coward, Michael) along with his beard. All we've learned from this sordid tale is that pogonotomy leads to cuckoldry, which, while a valuable lesson, we don't find the least bit funny.

Letters to MAN BEARD BLOG

You won't be surprised to learn that MAN BEARD BLOG receives volumes of fan correspondence. Here's the breakdown of the top ten topics of the messages:

1. 73% - "Dude, Man Beard Blog is awesome! Now I want to grow a sweet beard and kill people! Thanks, Man Beard Blog!"
2. 59% - "Can I advertise my product/service on Man Beard Blog?"
3. 57% - "Hey, I'm a Man Beard. You should feature me."
4. 44% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to provide sexual pleasure to bored housewives? If so, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."
5. 42% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to assist lesbian couples to conceive? If so, call us at yyy-yyy-yyyy."
6. 35% - "I think this site is a disgrace. You all are going to hell!!!!!!"
7. 33% - "pE NIs ENlarg EMENT. ViagRA. CLICK HERE"
   
8. 13% - "I'm having a problem with my beard. Can Man Beard Blog help me?"
9. 12% - "You should include other types of body hair. Check out these pictures!"
10. 0.03% - "Regicide is no laughing matter. I have to sleep with one eye open every single night."
    

The percentages don't add up to 100% because many messages contain multiple of these topics. For example, #4 and #6 are often found in the same sprawling 5 page emails. #5 and #9 are similarly linked.

MAN BEARD BLOG recently received an email with the very rare combination of #3 and #8. You wouldn't think that anyone having problems with his beard could possibly be a Man Beard, and it has already been documented that asking to be a Man Beard probably means you aren't a Man Beard. And yet, here is the email from "Mike."

I have grown my very manly black beard very long and bushy several times now in the hope that a local barber could trim it to match King Leonidas.. I haven't had much luck and am further disappointed that specific trimming instructions are no where to be found on the internet anywhere. There are not even any good pix of the beard specifically that I could print out and use for reference. You are my last, best hope... Can you help??? At the very least, do you have some more pix of "The Beard?" If you can help and I actually find someone to trim it properly... I will send you a pix for your site.

For reference, this is my beard a while back....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoxNapkMhk

Please ignore the pink bathroom and the gray in the beard.

Mike.....

Powerful stuff. Is Mike a Man Beard? You be the judge:



Clearly he has the raw beard-growing talent to be a Man Beard. And he's wisely chosen King Leonidas, owner of the perfect beard, as his beard role model. He's ambitious, has nothing but disdain for proper grammar, and puts his woman in her place by only allowing her to decorate that bathroom.

So what does the MAN BEARD BLOG community have to say about this situation. Can we help young Mike?

Mustache Day 2008

The mustache is the retarded little cousin of the beard, and everyone loves their retarded little cousin, so we here at Man Beard Blog love any kind of mustache blogging. Mustache Day is being observed on March 20 this year instead of the standard March 23 (so as not to conflict with the annual celebration of the Man Beard Messiah's regicidal execution). So take a picture of your mustache and send it to the Man Beard Blog intern. Only good things can happen!

Shaqbeard? Do it!

If The Big Aristotle devotes himself to bearding the way The Real Aristotle did, Man Beard Blog will devote 11 consecutive posts on 11 consecutive days to the glory of the Shaqbeard.

Do you hear that, Diesel? I know you've received many honors for basketballing and crime-fighting and weight-loss, but have you ever been featured in 11 consecutive Man Beard Blog posts? That's right. So grow a fucking awesome Shaqbeard and wear it for this whole season.

Man up.

Beard down.

For the love of Man Beard Blog

Man Beard Blog getting some love:

• Man Beard Biologist PZ Myers
• Investigators of Man Beard Cyclist Floyd Lanis, Trust But Verify
• confused blogger percyprune
• confusing blog Spitting Image
  

Man Beard Blog Heat Check!

Search Terms (Man Beard Blog's Google rank):

"beard blog" (#2)
"testicles beard" (#1)
"men with beards blog" (#3)
"beard not growing in straight" (#2)
"female bodygroom" (#3)
"how to grow a beard if you're asian" (#5)
"300 spartan beards" (#4)
"gerard butler beard" (#1)
"gerard butler beard 300" (#7)
"character analysis, king leonidas" (#6)
"leonidas beard" (#1)

World beard domination is within our reach!

Man Beard Prospect: My buddy Dave

Brice Lord seems like he has a bright future ahead of him. I wouldn't say he's a Man Beard yet, but he's got a lot of potential. He's dabbled in bearding in the past, and has demonstrated ample amounts of artistic creativity both on his blog and in his beautiful musical mastery of the guitar.

It seems like he's trying to move into another Man Beard realm, queer-stomping, but it is the opinion of Man Beard Blog that saying something like

my Moroccan boyfriend, Michael, hasn't been too hot on the beard, saying that "it doesn't not look good, you just look better without it" and "it makes you look...older."

is too likely to be perceived as "gay friendly" by the average reader, even though its sarcastic homo-bashing undertones are obvious to a more intelligent audience. But young Brice Lord shouldn't be discouraged. We know he was just trying to imitate the sophistication he's seen here at Man Beard Blog. What he has to keep in mind is that the typical Man Beard Blog reader is way fucking smarter than the typical reader of his little blog, so he has to dumb that shit down accordingly.

That criticism aside, we like the way things are going for my buddy Dave. We also appreciate the way he demonstrated his attentiveness to the recent Man Beard lesson and didn't beg to be added as a Man Beard, but simply requested acknowledgement. Man Beard Blog has always been and will always be happy to herald the bearding accomplishments of those sympathetic to our cause. Keep up the good work, Brice Lord!