Blog Testicles and Big Plans

MAN BEARD BLOG is the world's premier source of news and commentary about Man Beards. Man Beard-hood is underappreciated but we're trying to change that, one blog post at a time. MAN BEARD BLOG is a respected leader in facial hair blogging, with an expertise in beards. We also make valuable contributions to the body hair blog community, the misogyny blog community, and the regicide blog community.

But you already know all of that.

What you might not know is that the experts have recently proven that MAN BEARD BLOG has bigger testicles than any other blog in the world. This enables us to produce more cyber-sperm than any other blog, which in turn has allowed MAN BEARD BLOG to father more baby blogs than any other blog. Some Man Beards would say this means that we're the fittest blog. We don't say that. We don't have to. We just let our balls do the talking. (And they agree with Charlie.)

When all those baby blogs grow up, they'll be fierce Man Beard Blogs like their father, and then we'll all form a family band of unstoppable pirates that will put every woman in the world in her place and also compose lovely sonnets and hang with our new best friend, bearded Will Ferrell. And then where will you be, motherfucker?

That's right, you'll be here. Reading MAN BEARD BLOG.

Secondary Man Beard Characteristics

We all know the list of things that make you a Man Beard:

• beards (this is #1)
• putting women in their place
• irrational exuberance
• regicide
• divinity
• stomping queers
• testicles
• artistic creativity
• piracy

Here are some other traits that have a high correlation with Man Beardness:

• Wealth - The Man Beard is a powerful figure, and money is the official scorecard of power. Consequently, many Man Beards amass great personal fortunes, often through conquest, plunder, and album sales.
  
• Muscles - The power of the Man Beard often is as physical as the beard itself. King Leonidas sets the Man Beard standard for muscles against which we all shall be judged.
  
• Disdain - Contempt is a Man Beard personality characteristic that was well demonstrated by Saddam Hussein and his beard. Even in his final hour he demonstrated his disdain for lesser men by mocking their inferiority and manlessness. A Man Beard know that he is better than everyone else, and he takes pride in reminding them of that indisputable fact.
  
• Proximity to Breasts - In spite of the importance of putting women in their place, a Man Beard still can't go anywhere without fine ladies begging him for the fruit of his testicles. These harlots are often the objects of a Man Beard's haughty disdain (and sometimes the victims of his violent rage). Any time spent with a woman is time not spent stomping queers; Man Beards have their priorities straight.
  

Feline Man Beard!?

Walt claims to own a Man Beard Cat. I'm not sure if Man Beard status can apply to a non-human, although there are probably some Man Beard chimps and gorillas out there. But can Man Beard extend beyond the primates? I doubt it, but this is a strong case:

my cat may not be a normal man-cat. he may be a man-beard-cat. although not a proper beard, he does have a downwards-pointing triangle of white fur amidst all the black at the top of his chest right under his mouthb. he puts bitches in their place by making my girlfriend pick up his shit. his attempts to commit regicide are well-documented, through his several attempts to trip me on the stairway, and the one time he knocked a rather large wall mirror over onto my head. irrational exuberance is covered basically by being losing his damn mind as soon as anyone either wakes up or comes home. unfortunately, he takes a big hit in the categories of queer stomping and testicles, since he doesn't know what a queer is and is neutered. i'm also not so sure how artistic creativity and divinity could be applied to a cat.

Man Beard: Charles Darwin

Of all the great historical scientific Man Beards, Charles Darwin is by far the one this post is about. Darwin is a prime exhibit of 3 primary Man Beard characteristics, any one of which by itself would have likely earned him Man Beard status:

1. Beards: Darwin is famous for his bushy Old Man Beard. Take a few minutes to gaze at the picture of Darwin. Drink in his flowing white evolutionary goodness; such bearded magesty should be savored.
   
2. Regicide: Darwin killed God with the release of his 1859 masterpiece, On the Origin of Species, which proposed evolution by common descent as the natural explanation of the diversity of life on earth. Since deicide is the ultimate form of regicide, Darwin's accomplishment ranks high among the all time Man Beard accomplishments.
3. Divinity: Darwin was the earthly founder and is the central character of worship of followers of Darwinism, a faith-based scientific religion to which most modern biologists adhere. They proclaim Darwin as their own personal god, who answers their theories with evolutionary fact.

Darwin might also have a claim to other Man Beard traits. It seems highly likely that Darwin also possessed testicles of unusual size, given that he fathered at least 10 legitimate children, though Man Beard Blog has been unable to obtain access to his autopsy report to validate this claim. It could also be argued that his theory of evolution is a manifesto of queer-stomping because it proves that queers are an evolutionary dead end. But many modern experts of evolution point out that the very existence of modern homosexuals disproves Darwin, so let's just avoid that subject. We're not here to trample the man's grave, we're here to celebrate his beard and his Man Beard induction!

Testicles

Man Beard Blog is about being manly, and there are things other than beards that are important to being a Man Beard.

Testicles are manly. They produce testosterone and sperm and they hang in the scrotum. In mammals, testicular size corresponds to the number of mates, so men with bigger testicles must have sex with more women and are obviously more manly as a result.

A man with a beard will usually have testicles. A man with an impressive beard will most likely have huge testicles.

The testicles of a true Man Beard are gigantic, unless perhaps they were wounded in battle, although many Man Beards are so virile that they can spontaneously regenerate severed testicles. In addition to their power of healing, Man Beard Balls are known to have other magical powers. Michael McDonald's are so large that no Mexican woman can resist the temptation to touch them.

Floyd Landis: American Man Beard, Jean Reno: French Man Beard

Cycling is a profession that demands an aerodynamic facial situation. His beard might not have the flair of Mel Gibson's, but make no mistake about it: Floyd Landis is a Man Beard.

Landis has defiantly insisted that his Tour of France victory was not tainted by the use of steroids, claiming that the test result that flagged an unusually high level of testosterone wasn't the result of doping. He said "the levels that I've had during the Tour and all my career are natural and produced by my own organism."

Floyd Landis has a manly organism that produces abnormally high levels of testosterone, which would explain the presence of a pretty decent looking beard under the circumstances.

Landis rejects authority, saying "I ask not to be judged, or much less to be sentenced by anyone."

He then went on to cement his Man Beard by asserting: "I was the strongest guy. I deserved to win, and I'm proud of it."

We here at the Man Beard Blog suspect that France and/or the French are somehow to blame for this, since they have an unusually low concentration of Man Beards in their population, Jean Reno nonwithstanding. If Landis is not vindicated by the second drug test, we will be forced to conclude that Leon the Professional was involved in some kind of urine substitution sting to frame the American Man Beard.

Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein: Man Beards

The biggest news in beards right now has to be the impressive specimen that famous actor Mel Gibson is sporting, which many are noting has a striking resemblance to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's bushy monstrosity.

Gibson is in the news because he got plastered then made anti-Semitic comments and insulted police officers while being arrested for drunk driving. Hussein is a ruthless dictator who refused to acknowledge the authority of the courts while on trial for committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Both men wear fantastic multi-colored beards that must scare the shit out of small children.

These two share many other traits that are highly valued here at Man Beard Blog:

• Virility, proven by their exceptional beards
• Contempt for legal authorities
• Vast personal wealth
  
• Misogyny
• Wide-eyed enthusiasm for a noble cause
• Defiance of those who call them insane
  
• Insanity
• Massive Testicles