Letters to MAN BEARD BLOG

You won't be surprised to learn that MAN BEARD BLOG receives volumes of fan correspondence. Here's the breakdown of the top ten topics of the messages:

1. 73% - "Dude, Man Beard Blog is awesome! Now I want to grow a sweet beard and kill people! Thanks, Man Beard Blog!"
2. 59% - "Can I advertise my product/service on Man Beard Blog?"
3. 57% - "Hey, I'm a Man Beard. You should feature me."
4. 44% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to provide sexual pleasure to bored housewives? If so, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."
5. 42% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to assist lesbian couples to conceive? If so, call us at yyy-yyy-yyyy."
6. 35% - "I think this site is a disgrace. You all are going to hell!!!!!!"
7. 33% - "pE NIs ENlarg EMENT. ViagRA. CLICK HERE"
   
8. 13% - "I'm having a problem with my beard. Can Man Beard Blog help me?"
9. 12% - "You should include other types of body hair. Check out these pictures!"
10. 0.03% - "Regicide is no laughing matter. I have to sleep with one eye open every single night."
    

The percentages don't add up to 100% because many messages contain multiple of these topics. For example, #4 and #6 are often found in the same sprawling 5 page emails. #5 and #9 are similarly linked.

MAN BEARD BLOG recently received an email with the very rare combination of #3 and #8. You wouldn't think that anyone having problems with his beard could possibly be a Man Beard, and it has already been documented that asking to be a Man Beard probably means you aren't a Man Beard. And yet, here is the email from "Mike."

I have grown my very manly black beard very long and bushy several times now in the hope that a local barber could trim it to match King Leonidas.. I haven't had much luck and am further disappointed that specific trimming instructions are no where to be found on the internet anywhere. There are not even any good pix of the beard specifically that I could print out and use for reference. You are my last, best hope... Can you help??? At the very least, do you have some more pix of "The Beard?" If you can help and I actually find someone to trim it properly... I will send you a pix for your site.

For reference, this is my beard a while back....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoxNapkMhk

Please ignore the pink bathroom and the gray in the beard.

Mike.....

Powerful stuff. Is Mike a Man Beard? You be the judge:



Clearly he has the raw beard-growing talent to be a Man Beard. And he's wisely chosen King Leonidas, owner of the perfect beard, as his beard role model. He's ambitious, has nothing but disdain for proper grammar, and puts his woman in her place by only allowing her to decorate that bathroom.

So what does the MAN BEARD BLOG community have to say about this situation. Can we help young Mike?

Beard Lords Shine Down On Man Beard Blog (Before We Kill You)

That is a screen cap of Pharyngula featuring an image from 300. In other words, Man Beard PZ is pimping Man Beard Leonidas. That is some highly concentrated Man Beardity. In honor of this event, Man Beard Blog offers this humble poem.



May your beard always bristle.
and your balls always hang low.
May your weapon always drip with fresh blood.
and your blog always be updated with creative brilliance.
May your kings provide you with bounty before you slaughter them
unless your king is King Leonidas, in which case may he slaughter you mercifully.
May every day be like today
where Man Beards love each other freely.

Secondary Man Beard Characteristics

We all know the list of things that make you a Man Beard:

• beards (this is #1)
• putting women in their place
• irrational exuberance
• regicide
• divinity
• stomping queers
• testicles
• artistic creativity
• piracy

Here are some other traits that have a high correlation with Man Beardness:

• Wealth - The Man Beard is a powerful figure, and money is the official scorecard of power. Consequently, many Man Beards amass great personal fortunes, often through conquest, plunder, and album sales.
  
• Muscles - The power of the Man Beard often is as physical as the beard itself. King Leonidas sets the Man Beard standard for muscles against which we all shall be judged.
  
• Disdain - Contempt is a Man Beard personality characteristic that was well demonstrated by Saddam Hussein and his beard. Even in his final hour he demonstrated his disdain for lesser men by mocking their inferiority and manlessness. A Man Beard know that he is better than everyone else, and he takes pride in reminding them of that indisputable fact.
  
• Proximity to Breasts - In spite of the importance of putting women in their place, a Man Beard still can't go anywhere without fine ladies begging him for the fruit of his testicles. These harlots are often the objects of a Man Beard's haughty disdain (and sometimes the victims of his violent rage). Any time spent with a woman is time not spent stomping queers; Man Beards have their priorities straight.
  

Leonidas Beard: all you ever need.

It can get pretty lonely when you're the King Leonidas and you have a million Persians trying to fuck things up for Sparta and nobody but you cares to do a damn thing about it. The priests are all like "ooh don't fight this time" and McNulty from The Wire who you thought was your friend is being sketchy as shit. So you're feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. Then you have to leave your hot wife and your badass wolf-son behind as you march off to certain death. Nobody would blame you for being a little lonely, but luckily you're a Man Beard and this isn't a problem for you.


You've worked really hard to make friends that you'll be taking along with you. They're sweaty and oily and rock hard, and they'll never go behind your back on you, because they're growing out of the front side of your torso, all 18 of them. Some people prefer to go into Bronze Age warfare wearing some kind of armor, but you know better. Your magnificent, rippling friends will protect you better than any cuirass. You can also use them to sharpen your weapons.



Speaking of cuirasses, if you were still feeling lonely for your family and your unprecedentedly chiseled abs aren't adequately comforting you, there is one last option, although standing over 7 feet tall, he's certainly not the least option. Hairless from head to toe (and everywhere in between) and bedecked in jewels, his name is Xerxes and his fingers work magic on your back after a long day of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

He offers himself to you, and the offer might be a little tempting under these trying circumstances. But you're a Man Beard and he's a queer-ass and he leads the mighty Persian Army who wish to claim your kingdom as their own. There is only one kind of relationship you two can have, and it involves you stomping him or meeting your death in the attempt. That's just how it must be.

When it comes right down to it, all the comfort and inspiration and pleasure you'll ever need is right under your nose. Literally. For there sits the greatest beard in all of recorded history, and you are the mightiest Man Beard that ever was or ever will be. The King Leonidas Beard is the best friend you could ever have, and all you'll ever truly need.

THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!
THIS is my MAN BEARD!

Critics Gush: "Man Beard!"

Star Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera), playing ubër-male King Leonidas, fares as well as anyone can
- Annie Frisbie

Here stands the Spartan king Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 299 buddies in nothing but leather man-panties and oiled torsos, clutching a variety of phalluses they seek to thrust in the bodies of their foes by trapping them in a small, rectum-like mountain passage called the “gates of hell(o!)”
- Nathan Lee of The Voice (as reported on blog@newsarama)

...lots of shots of a sweaty, mostly unclad Gerard Butler sporting his magnificent beard while he's kicking some Persian ass
- april

But by Zeus, this is a ripping yarn, told with limb-rending gusto, an iconic ancient battle....

Butler, in a career-making performance of Russell Crowe dimensions, roars pretty much every line that isn't pillow talk to his stunning and flinty queen (Lena Headey).

"SPARTANS!" he bellows at his phalanx of hoplites.

"Hoooo," they bellow back, crashing spear to shield.

"THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!"

I am sorry, but if that line, spat out on a tinted dreamscape (a digital soundstage) version of an ancient Greek pass, doesn't thrill you to the marrow, you need to have your marrow checked...

And Butler, chewing the scenery with a violence that suggests he relished every sit-up, conjures up what Shakespeare's Henry V was talking about when he spoke of those not there for the great battle as men who "shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap."

Don't hold yours cheap. Go, manly movie-lovers, and tell the Spartans that here is a movie worth the popcorn.

- Roger Moore

Man Beard to end all Man Beards: 300's King Leonidas

Last night Man Beard Blog pulled some strings to get invited to attend a pre-release screening of 300. It would be a violation of the Man Beard Code to reveal any spoiler type information, so I'll simply say that there can never be a Man Beard more perfect and glorious than Gerard Butler's King Leonidas. It is as if everything that Man Beard Blog has ever said or accomplished was done simply to prepare for seeing this movie.

Man Beard fury the likes of which has never been seen.

It is probably going to take me a few days to recover from this (Sidenote: Hypothetically, is it a problem if you have an erection that lasts for 15 hours? What if 300 Man Beard Spartans were its inspiration? What if they were being led to war against a million Persians by the single greatest Man Beard in the history of facial hair?). After I calm down, I might have to do an analysis of King Leonidas on the Man Beard Scale, which will have to be specifically invented for the purpose of giving him the perfect Man Beard Score. All other Man Beards will be quantified in relation to him, and they will be given a Leonidas Score, and it will be good.