Tuesday, August 15, 2006

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Walter Sobchak respects the rules. He quotes Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, and knows when a rug ties a room together. He's a Vietnam veteran, a bowler, and a Polish-Catholic turned Jew. He once dabbled in pacifism (not in Vietnam of course).

He'll dive out of a moving car, single-handedly beat the shit out of 3 nihilists, knock over a crippled guy's wheelchair, and he'll get you a toe by 3 o'clock - with nail polish. There are ways. You don't want to know about it, believe me.

Walter Sobchak is a Man Beard.

Which isn't to say Walter doesn't have flaws. But unlike that phony Kenny Rogers, Walter's weaknesses flow from his Man Beard characteristics. Yeah, he dog-sits his ex-wife's Pomeranian, but he sure as shit doesn't fucking roll on shabbos. He might be living in the past, but at least it is a past with 3000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax.


To put it into Man Beard terms, Walter's failure to put that woman in her place is because of his irrational exuberance. He's a little bit crazy. But that is what makes him such a potent Man Beard. Would a sane person brandish a firearm to resolve a bowling dispute? Or take a crowbar to a sports car to teach a punk kid a lesson? If that same irrational exuberance leads to him occasionally taking care of a fucking show dog with fucking papers, so be it. It's all part of his sick Cynthia thing.

Walter Sobchack's Man Beard says:

"The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

"Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, ya know domestic... within the city... That ain't legal either."

"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

6 comments:

Misty Peppers said...

hmmm

this reads like you wanted to stop yourself but couldn't, and so verbal diarrhea just spilled onto your keyboard.

that being said, i don't agree with man beard blog on this one.

i do concede that walter IS a man beard. but his is NO man beard.

his is an abomination. a delicately trimmed and manicured mockery of all that man beard stands for. man beards don't give a shit. and maybe walter's beard is telling us all to fuck off by being so pretty, but any beard that requires scissors, razors and a little tiny comb more so than lice powder and a rusty jackknife in my book is a sad excuse for a man beard.

now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to accept my punishment for this expression of discordance.

adspar said...

Man Beard Blog will concede that this was not our finest offering, but frankly in the wake of the Kenny Rogers scandal, we're all a little shaken up. Cut us a little slack while we blog our way back into Man Beard shape.

As far as the rest of your nonsensical ramblings are concerned, Man Beard Blog is content to blame your retardedness on your vagina. Even still, it is hard to believe that a woman would invade Man Beard Blog and try to tell us something about Man Beards.

Walter has a beard. It isn't anything great as far as beards go, but it meets the technical qualifications. Nowhere did Man Beard Blog claim Walter's beard itself was of particular note. But because Walter is a Man Beard, his beard itself is a Man Beard by definition.

"man beards don't give a shit"

First of all, show some respect, bitch. Capitalize "Man Beard" or any derivation thereof.

Second, Man Beards can and do give a shit about the appearance of their beards when the situation calls for it. Saddam let his Man Beard flow free while he was hiding in the spider hole, but he trimmed that shit up nice when it was time for trial. Same with Maximus - battle beard for war, show beard for Rome.

Walter is a military man, trained to take pride in his appearance. While the inevitable effects of age and beer consumption have taken their toll on his physique, he at least maintains a healthy grooming regimen. For you to suggest this is "an abomination" is clear indication that you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. But that's why you're a woman, and Man Beards know how to put your kind in their place.

At least you seem willing to admit that your words are lamentable.

Mike said...

Maybe misty (lower case "m") just needs to watch that The Big Lebowski (sp?) again. I think that Walter's induction is justified. I mean, he is no Saddam, but frankly... who is? I'll give a beard scratch to Mr. Sobchak. Nice work Man Beard Blog.

Eric said...

I have never seen this particular movie, so I can comment on his Man Beardness. I do give Misty credit for her enthusiasm for beards though. When are going to hear about (in my book) the greatest Man Beard in recorded history, Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris.

Mox said...

To call Walter's Beard an abomination is to misunderstand the basic logical structure of Man Beardery. Consider this simple proof.

1) Walter has a Beard.
2) Walter is irrationally exuberant, which is manifest in his liberal firearm use and argumentative manner.
3) Walter stomps Nazi fags and (bites off their body parts).
4) Walter puts bitches like the diner waitress in their place when they try to curtail his irrational exuberance.

ERGO,

5) Walter is a Man Beard.

Since a Man Beard's Beard is a Man Beard, it cannot be an abomination because Man Beards are inherently awesome.

PS I think your criticism of Walter's Beard probably makes you gay, and thus I would be on the lookout for fag-stomping if I were you.

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