Monday, August 21, 2006

The Ultimate Beard-Off

We've covered a lot here at Man Beard Blog, but there is still a beardload of bearded man-goodness out there that needs to be blogged.

We all know the equation:


But beyond that simple arithmetic is a vast and complex world. A world full of men, full of beards, and full of blogs. A world with beard blogs and man blogs. And most importantly, it is a world full of Man Beards. This is where it all comes together. This is Man Beard Blog.

It isn't always easy.

Tonight as I was reclining upon my fine leather couch, contemplating the next Man Beard Blog entry, I decided that there must be a good number of Man Beards who haven't yet been mentioned in this nascent offering. If this blog was a beard, it would still be a five o'clock shadow. I decided that in order to promote this blog to genuine stubble status, I need to enshrine the greatest remaining Man Beard.

And right as I decided that, the following 8 things all entered my brain within a fraction of a second. Understand that while they are 8 distinct and sequential thoughts, they all exploded into my head together at once, leaving me cowering in fear.

  1. How do you decide who is the greatest unmentioned Man Beard?
  2. There has to be some kind of massive beard-off.
  3. Aha! A tournament of single-elimination 1 on 1 beard-offs!
  4. Nah, that would be way too much effort.
  5. Let's just figure out who would be the finalists of the beard-off.
  6. For the salty love of all beards, this must be.
  7. Oh fuck, this is impossible.
I spent the next few seconds trying to put the shambles of my life back together. The ultimate beard-off was excruciatingly within my sights, and yet unreachable. Beard arithmetic became beard Pythagorean theorem; there was no answer.

And that is when I realized that no answer is the answer. You just can't pit Sean Connery against Chuck Norris. The mere idea is simply too much for the human mind to comprehend, and we're all better off if we just let it go.


Eric said...

You're the man now dogg.

Mike said...

I kinda want to go roundhouse kick someone now

Eric said...

you know when thinking of the all time great Man Beards, i always just handed it to Chuck. I completely forgot about how awesome Sean Connory is. That is a decision hard enough to make your head explode.

adspar said...

One thing that needs to be considered is that while Norris has done more ass-kicking (not that Connery hasn't kicked a lot of ass), Connery's actual beard is more impressive (not that Norris' beard is anything to scoff at).

Brian said...

did you say you know why men find sean connery attractive? nooo?

aside from the bad acting/infomercials/roundhouse kicks/norris fact website, look at norris. he just looks funny. connery is professionally good looking.

i also would have perhaps picked connery as a sleeper at best, like he was a def. 12 seed who was knocking off a 5th seed, i just wouldnt have had him in my intial final 4 (dont ask me who that would have actually been.)

Thanks Man Beard Blog for bringing justice to the world.

Eric said...

He's James Bond, he's not a sleeper.

iceguy said...

I think my favorite part of Man Beard Blog (besides the man-beards) are the captions on the man-beard pictures.

That truly is, "Man beard harmony."

Brian said...


Eric said...
you know when thinking of the all time great Man Beards, i always just handed it to Chuck. I completely forgot about how awesome Sean Connory is

Eric said...

Theres a difference between simply overlooking someone and just not giving him the respect he deserves.

iceguy said...

Eric CAN see why women find Sean Connery attractive

Eric said...

Former Twins and Red Sox closer Jeff Reardon was just aquitted of robbing a jewelry store by reason of insanity, and he has a fantastic beard, I just thought you might want to know that. Although in reality it's a bit of a sad story