Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Piracy is a Man Beard trait that hasn't been much discussed here at Man Beard Blog, but please don't think that makes it unimportant to us. To help you understand the connection, please conduct the following 3-step thought experiment, which should take about 15 seconds:

  1. Close your eyes and relax your mind.
  2. Picture a pirate. (If it helps, say "AAAARRRRRRR!!" while picturing your pirate.)
  3. Picture 2 more pirates standing next to the first pirate. (If it helps, imagine them greeting each other with "Avast, me matey!" or "Shiver me timbers!"
So how did it go? Do you have the picture? How does it look? Well unless you're fucking retarded and know nothing at all about pirates, your mental picture included beards (approximately two to five). Pirates love beards.

Your picture also included most of the following:
  • muskets
  • cutlasses
  • daggers
  • pistols
  • cannons
  • bottles of rum, whiskey, and grog
  • various forms of tobacco
  • saucy wenches, filthy prostitutes, and terrified rape victims
This demonstrates that pirates love regicidal warfare and irrationally exuberant drunken debauchery that puts women in their place, and as a result have an ample number of:
  • hooks for hands
  • wooden peg-legs
  • eye patches
  • missing teeth
  • scars
  • skulls
Your image also might include some flamboyant attire or a parrot companion, demonstrating the underrated artistic creativity of your average pirate.

What this thought experiment demonstrates is that piracy is highly correlated with several other Man Beard traits. Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.

*If you're struggling with this concept, think of it this way: Regicide is a kind of homicide, therefor regicide is homicide. Similarly, as all homicide is not necessarily regicide, all Man Beards are not necessarily pirates. Here it should be further noted that piracy is not a higher form of Man Beard-ness, just an unranked subgroup within the Man Beard realm, whereas regicide is a higher form of homicide, and deicide a higher form of regicide. The homicide-regicide-deicide continuum is like every other Man Beard trait, where more extreme versions of the trait are more Man Beardly (bigger testicles, more fag-stomping, more divine, etc). So while pirates aren't a higher ranking group within the Man Beard world, those who are more piratey (like a drunk bearded toothless guy with 2 peg legs, a hook, and a parrot) are higher Man Beards.

No comments: