Wheat Grass

I picked up a pamphlet the other day at Robeks, home of fruit smoothies and healthy eats. (Bear with me here.) The pamphlet was all about wheat grass. Do you know about wheat grass? Apparently it is the most amazing substance in the history of matter.

wheat grass
Benefits

Concentrated & Convenient for Use Everyday

• 1oz. is the nutritional equivalent of eating 2.5 lbs. of leafy green vegetables.

Eating 2.5 pounds of plant matter? Who eats that much vegetation? What the fuck am I, a triceratops? How many heads of lettuce do I need?? And how can 1 shotglass of juice be the equivalent? Could I raise a whole herd of zebras on a gallon of this stuff?

Energizes Your Day

• Minimizes fatigue - usually caused by poor diet
• Recharges your body - fewer hours of sleep necessary

That's right! Drink 1 shot of this juice (or eat 2.5 pounds of spinach) and you'll never need coffee again. Drink 5 shots and you'll only have to sleep 30 minutes per week.

Maintains Your Body at Peak Levels

• Improves digestion and elimination of food
• Assists with natural weight loss
• Slows cell degeneration by adding oxygen to your blood
• Adds calcium - helps arthritis and muscle cramping

I was wondering what "peak levels" would mean, but fortunately they've spelled it out for me: CRAP LIKE A CHAMPION! CRAP SO MUCH YOU LOSE WEIGHT! Also it makes your cells immortal and lets you run an entire triathlon without getting tired. I can't keep up commenting on every line, so here's the rest:

Cleansing for Your Body

• Increases strength by rejuvenating poor-quality blood
• Increases mental clarity and calms nerves (amino acids)

Rejuvenates & Restores

• Increases overall health of your skin, teeth, eyes, muscles and joints
• Stimulates hair growth
• Enhances luster in hair
• Increases function of heart, intestines, lungs and reproductive organs
• Stimulates and regenerates the liver
• Aids in healing cuts and bruises

Helps Fight Disease & Sickness

• Bolsters immune system - strengthens internal defenses
• Contains anti-cancer agents including abscisic acid
• Supports the natural repair of DNA
• Detoxifies pollutants that have entered the body
• Combats ulcers

This is just endless entertainment. Obviously they're trying to say that it will help flush the weed out of your system if you have to take a drug test next week. And there's an absurd stoned quality to the whole thing. Like the way they throw "amino acids" in there parenthetically, or how after listing how wheat grass will restore functioning of every vital organ in your body (and might even reanimate a corpse) they tack on that it will help cuts and bruises. It is kind of like listing the exotic and high-tech features in a luxury car and then throwing "AM/FM radio" at the end of the list.

Take a minute and review all of the claims that are made about wheat grass. A tiny sip of this shit will send your cancer into remission, reverse your baldness, and burn off that beer gut. You'll learn jujitsu, never get a cold, and your genitals will swell to three times their previous size (in a good way). And that's only the front page of the pamphlet! On the back it tells you that external use will heal the chicken pox, kill bacteria, combat athlete's foot, cure dandruff, and tighten up that loose skin around your neck.

Is wheat grass the Man Beard of dietary supplements? It seems god-like in power, plus it makes your testicles work better. I think the fine print confirms it:

The statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent disease.

The mighty Man Grass Wheat Beards care not for the authorities and their attempts at regulation! All these breathless claims without a shred of evidence? I've never seen so much irrational exuberance! And "not intended to cure disease" now? Obviously they won't let intentions get in the way of their artistic integrity, and so they can feel free to continue claiming to cure malaria, herpes, and Down Syndrome.

Man Beard Wheat Grass. Beautiful.