Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Man Beard Nomination: Tristan

A previously unknown Man Beard Blog enthusiast, Brutus, recently posted this comment on an old post.

I didn't know how to put this on the site but I was watching a movie last night and discovered a wonderful manbeard...Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt is the perfect embodiment of all that makes one a Man Beard. First, he sports a masterful beard throughout most of the movie. This beard was not part of his character at the beginning of the movie, but as he started to progress to the seventh level of crazy, the beard was grown as a warning to the world, “watch yourself, I’ll fuckin murder you.” He murders many, many animals of all species on several continents. He also kills many men and finds it necessary to take out their still beating heart and hold it in his hands, how’s that for man-beard status. He makes love and demoralizes all women in his path, even if they date or are set to be married to his own brothers (both brothers by the way are devoid of beard- serves them right), and speaks Cherokee Indian, due to his best friend in the film being an Indian Warrior, Two Stab (are you shitting me, Two Stab)… He also killed two men of the town Helena, Montana that were in a sense, the “Kings” of bootlegging. This substantiates Regicide in a very flagrant public display as well, since everyone in the town knew it was him. He obviously has testicles because he impregnates his wife in the end of the movie twice… As a sidenote, his wife is an indian girl half of his age, true Man Beard style, get em while their young… Irrational exuberance is demonstrated several times by this character throughout the movie. For instance his last arrival home after a decade traveling the world he made his entrance preceded by 25-30 horses that he had corralled himself just to signify his arrival. Pretty irrational if you ask me. Piracy is a large part of this characters image and was confirmed when we watch him travel the world via an actual pirate ship, with sails and a crew… He also came back from these trips with booty for his family… Artistic creativity did not seem like his strongest Man Beard character trait, but there were scenes in which he paints his face before slaughtering all pathetic non-beards that stand in his path… Fact- Brad Pitt is a fierce Man Beard in this Flick…

Man Beard Blog has not seen this movie, and cannot offer any further opinion on that matter, except to say that Brutus makes a strong fucking case.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Beard Humor?

Part of our job here at MAN BEARD BLOG is to stay abreast of important developments in bearding and beard-related matters, so as to have a positive impact on the greater beard community. One such matter is beard humor, so we've been known to scour the internet for the latest beard jokes. This is a popular offering, available in several of the top Google hits:

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
Man Beard Blog is frightfully alarmed at the state of beard humor if this is one of the best offerings. We're not even sure if it is really a joke. It might be mildly funny if the punchline was that a man with such a healthy beard that he can maintain regular sexual relations with two women would consider shaving said beard at the request of one of said women. That really wouldn't have been a punchline, more like an amusing premise. The source of the humor is that we all know that such a man would, in reality, flatly deny the indecent request, and proceed to put said woman in her place with some combination of witty insults and physical violence. It is fairly amusing juxtaposition, we'll grant. (In fact we're having a little chuckle now just thinking about it.)

But that can't even be the purported punchline, because the "joke" keeps going, and in fact takes a dark turn as James actually succumbs to the whims of this vile tempstress. No explanation is offered for this catastophic blunder blundering catastrophe tragic devastation devastating tragedy massive fuck-up.

In the end, the whole thing seems more like a Samson and Delilah parable (a story told in our book) than a joke, as James loses his wife's love (to a beardless coward, Michael) along with his beard. All we've learned from this sordid tale is that pogonotomy leads to cuckoldry, which, while a valuable lesson, we don't find the least bit funny.