Thursday, March 29, 2007

Monday, March 26, 2007

mustache manslap

Don't bring a terrible mustache and an inferior comprehension of basketball to the Basketbawful blog, cause they'll fucking manslap the shit out of you.

Mustaches are like the retarded cousins of beards, though there are some exceptions. The intern might have more to say on this topic.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

For the love of Man Beard Blog

Man Beard Blog getting some love:

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Man Beard News

Let's take a break from King Leonidas to report the latest in Man Beard news.

  • Man Beard Pirate Biologist PZ Myers has a post about his struggles with full-blown piracy: "We're flying the pirate flag outside of our house, but every time we try to move on to the full pirate phase, we run aground on the fact that she thinks she should be the Cap'n, and then there are the swordfights on the stairs and walking the plank and black spots and mutinous crew, and then Skatje stabs us both in the back and declares herself captain. The pirate lifestyle is not a mellow, casual one that encourages cooperation." Hear, hear!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Leonidas Beard: all you ever need.

It can get pretty lonely when you're the King Leonidas and you have a million Persians trying to fuck things up for Sparta and nobody but you cares to do a damn thing about it. The priests are all like "ooh don't fight this time" and McNulty from The Wire who you thought was your friend is being sketchy as shit. So you're feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. Then you have to leave your hot wife and your badass wolf-son behind as you march off to certain death. Nobody would blame you for being a little lonely, but luckily you're a Man Beard and this isn't a problem for you.

You've worked really hard to make friends that you'll be taking along with you. They're sweaty and oily and rock hard, and they'll never go behind your back on you, because they're growing out of the front side of your torso, all 18 of them. Some people prefer to go into Bronze Age warfare wearing some kind of armor, but you know better. Your magnificent, rippling friends will protect you better than any cuirass. You can also use them to sharpen your weapons.

Speaking of cuirasses, if you were still feeling lonely for your family and your unprecedentedly chiseled abs aren't adequately comforting you, there is one last option, although standing over 7 feet tall, he's certainly not the least option. Hairless from head to toe (and everywhere in between) and bedecked in jewels, his name is Xerxes and his fingers work magic on your back after a long day of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

He offers himself to you, and the offer might be a little tempting under these trying circumstances. But you're a Man Beard and he's a queer-ass and he leads the mighty Persian Army who wish to claim your kingdom as their own. There is only one kind of relationship you two can have, and it involves you stomping him or meeting your death in the attempt. That's just how it must be.

When it comes right down to it, all the comfort and inspiration and pleasure you'll ever need is right under your nose. Literally. For there sits the greatest beard in all of recorded history, and you are the mightiest Man Beard that ever was or ever will be. The King Leonidas Beard is the best friend you could ever have, and all you'll ever truly need.

THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Beard + Science = HalfBeard

Wow. Thanks to reader Mox for pointing out this stunning example of irrationally exuberant Beard Science. Needless to say, Man Beard Blog salutes this emerging discipline, and commends this gentleman on his fine contributions.

He gets special recognition for this gem (emphasis added):

Although I've determined that it felt warmer with a beard, no analytical tests were performed. I did not determine skin temperatures. It is quite possible that I had only thought I felt warmer. I suggest that a better test would be to shave half a person's beard off, but not tell them which half. This would give a fairer test of warmth.
Quite right. The integrity of the experiment demands that the subject be unaware of the variables being tested, thus avoiding any potential beard-bias. My only improvement on this would be that the experimenter would also have to be unaware which side of the person's face was shaved, or if the face is shaved at all. This would best be accomplished by recruiting a few dozen beards and hiring an impartial third party to randomly shave the left side of 25% of the beards, the right side of 25%, the entire beard of 25%, and none of the remaining 25%. The neutral third party shaver and the control groups of full-beards and no-beards make it completely impossible for the subjects or the experimenters to know which sides are shaved, insuring that the experiment is perfectly double-beard-blind. It is important that neither the subjects nor the shaver be a Man Beard, since this would a present an obvious conflict of interests and a potential source of bias.

If anyone conducts this experiment, Man Beard Blog will gladly publish your results. Onward Beard Science!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Man Beard Blog Heat Check!

Search Terms (Man Beard Blog's Google rank):

"beard blog" (#2)
"testicles beard" (#1)
"men with beards blog" (#3)
"beard not growing in straight" (#2)
"female bodygroom" (#3)
"how to grow a beard if you're asian" (#5)
"300 spartan beards" (#4)
"gerard butler beard" (#1)
"gerard butler beard 300" (#7)
"character analysis, king leonidas" (#6)
"leonidas beard" (#1)

World beard domination is within our reach!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Critics Gush: "Man Beard!"

Star Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera), playing ubër-male King Leonidas, fares as well as anyone can
- Annie Frisbie

Here stands the Spartan king Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 299 buddies in nothing but leather man-panties and oiled torsos, clutching a variety of phalluses they seek to thrust in the bodies of their foes by trapping them in a small, rectum-like mountain passage called the “gates of hell(o!)”
- Nathan Lee of The Voice (as reported on blog@newsarama)

...lots of shots of a sweaty, mostly unclad Gerard Butler sporting his magnificent beard while he's kicking some Persian ass
- april

But by Zeus, this is a ripping yarn, told with limb-rending gusto, an iconic ancient battle....

Butler, in a career-making performance of Russell Crowe dimensions, roars pretty much every line that isn't pillow talk to his stunning and flinty queen (Lena Headey).

"SPARTANS!" he bellows at his phalanx of hoplites.

"Hoooo," they bellow back, crashing spear to shield.

"THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!"

I am sorry, but if that line, spat out on a tinted dreamscape (a digital soundstage) version of an ancient Greek pass, doesn't thrill you to the marrow, you need to have your marrow checked...

And Butler, chewing the scenery with a violence that suggests he relished every sit-up, conjures up what Shakespeare's Henry V was talking about when he spoke of those not there for the great battle as men who "shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap."

Don't hold yours cheap. Go, manly movie-lovers, and tell the Spartans that here is a movie worth the popcorn.

- Roger Moore

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Man Beard to end all Man Beards: 300's King Leonidas

Last night Man Beard Blog pulled some strings to get invited to attend a pre-release screening of 300. It would be a violation of the Man Beard Code to reveal any spoiler type information, so I'll simply say that there can never be a Man Beard more perfect and glorious than Gerard Butler's King Leonidas. It is as if everything that Man Beard Blog has ever said or accomplished was done simply to prepare for seeing this movie.

Man Beard fury the likes of which has never been seen.

It is probably going to take me a few days to recover from this (Sidenote: Hypothetically, is it a problem if you have an erection that lasts for 15 hours? What if 300 Man Beard Spartans were its inspiration? What if they were being led to war against a million Persians by the single greatest Man Beard in the history of facial hair?). After I calm down, I might have to do an analysis of King Leonidas on the Man Beard Scale, which will have to be specifically invented for the purpose of giving him the perfect Man Beard Score. All other Man Beards will be quantified in relation to him, and they will be given a Leonidas Score, and it will be good.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Man Beard Prospect: My buddy Dave

Brice Lord seems like he has a bright future ahead of him. I wouldn't say he's a Man Beard yet, but he's got a lot of potential. He's dabbled in bearding in the past, and has demonstrated ample amounts of artistic creativity both on his blog and in his beautiful musical mastery of the guitar.

It seems like he's trying to move into another Man Beard realm, queer-stomping, but it is the opinion of Man Beard Blog that saying something like

my Moroccan boyfriend, Michael, hasn't been too hot on the beard, saying that "it doesn't not look good, you just look better without it" and "it makes you look...older."
is too likely to be perceived as "gay friendly" by the average reader, even though its sarcastic homo-bashing undertones are obvious to a more intelligent audience. But young Brice Lord shouldn't be discouraged. We know he was just trying to imitate the sophistication he's seen here at Man Beard Blog. What he has to keep in mind is that the typical Man Beard Blog reader is way fucking smarter than the typical reader of his little blog, so he has to dumb that shit down accordingly.

That criticism aside, we like the way things are going for my buddy Dave. We also appreciate the way he demonstrated his attentiveness to the recent Man Beard lesson and didn't beg to be added as a Man Beard, but simply requested acknowledgement. Man Beard Blog has always been and will always be happy to herald the bearding accomplishments of those sympathetic to our cause. Keep up the good work, Brice Lord!


The only appropriate response should involve some form of righteous fury, much butt-kicking, and the public firing of some teachers, many school board members, and vast numbers of sleazy, far-right politicians … I say, screw the polite words and careful rhetoric. It's time for scientists to break out the steel-toed boots and brass knuckles, and get out there and hammer on the lunatics and idiots.
That's what I'm talking about! Those are the fighting words of a regicidal Man Beard!

Some of you here at Man Beard Blog weren't familiar with PZ Myers when I first enshrined him as a Man Beard, but he is not someone to be overlooked. He commands a powerful army of God-killers and he's been known to lend support to piracy as well.

How not to be a Man Beard

A few days ago someone named Bird Advocate left a few comments (here and here). They were a little awkward and somewhat confrontational, but Man Beard Blog decided to go easy on him. But subsequent events, which will be explained later, have made it necessary to make a lesson of this sad and lonely avian enthusiast. And so I give you:

How Not To Be a Man Beard
The case of Bird Advocate/Scooter

1.) Do not question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. This only makes you look stupid and weak and beardless.

2.) Do not, under any circumstances, question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. We are Man Beard Blog, and you are not. Get that straight right now.

3.) Don't beg Man Beard Blog to include you. What kind of self-respecting Man Beard whines and snivels about not being listed on a crappy internet web log? I'll remind you of the way an original Man Beard approached this:

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.
4.) After being softly chided, don't come back and try to post yet another criticism of Man Beard Blog, and definitely don't accidentally post that criticism under your alternate blogger name, and when you realize that you posted under the wrong name, don't draw attention to your mishap by trying to erase it, and don't let people realize that you have a "team" blog where the other "team member" is just you posting under a different name, and most especially don't let your alternate blogger identity be a woman. Stupid non-Man Beards don't seem to realize that blogger can automatically email me when someone posts a comment, even if they later delete it:
Scooter has left a new comment on your post "The Man Beard that never was":

I have yet to see pictures of your beards. I would think it logical to believe it would take a man with an awesome beard to know what to look for in another's beard.
I personally haven't spent much effort or expense in the cultivation of my current crop, but I am still rather proud of it.
My beard has already been published and registered on several international sites, so it's not like it has been ignored.
This is just a sad situation, and I hope Bird Scooter someday resolves his/her sexual identity crisis and makes some friends, but there is no doubt that Man Beard Blog emerges victorious as always.