Monday, April 30, 2007

NBA Playoffs: Bring out the beard

Is there a better basketball player on the planet right now?

Monday, April 09, 2007

War Nerd is Russian for Man Beard

On a recent expedition to Russia in search of Moscow Man Beards, while shifting through the pierogis and snow and shit, we stumbled upon what might be the greatest Man Beard tribute ever published outside of the sacred confines of Man Beard Blog. Written by an American who calls himself War Nerd, Saddam Died Beautiful says just about everything I've ever wanted to say about the Glorious Iraqi Man Beard.

Saddam told the ski-mask monkeys they weren't real men. And he had the right to say that too. Call him what you want, but Saddam was a man, a real man. One of the last. To me, watching that execution was like watching Planet of the Apes: a bunch of de-evolved primates killing the last man. Saddam looked like the 20th century in that overcoat and hat. He'd lost weight in prison. Never flinched, not once. You try that: going to the gallows with your blood enemies screaming insults at you. See if you can hold your bladder, never mind answer back as fast and calm as he did.
Can I get a beard scratch for the War Nerd? We were just writing about this a few days ago, only now we find out that this exiled American in Moscow has already done it! It's funny though; here's a guy who has just about everything figured out, except the only thing he doesn't mention is Saddam's beard. Weird. It's almost like the actual beard doesn't matter.... I know, that's crazy!

Sure, Saddam was a killer. Don't you get it by now? In a place like Iraq, killing is how you run things... Blaming Saddam for being what he was is like blaming a rattlesnake for killing.

Hell yes! Man Beards don't fucking cuddle up next to you like a fucking Tony Blair puppy. They bite the hand that is in front of their mouth, whether it feeds them or not. They don't give a shit what you think about that. Neither did Saddam. He was a brutal killing machine. He was a Man Beard.

This War Nerd needs to be part of Man Beard Blog. I can't imagine him existing outside of our alternate reality:

We did Saddam an accidental favor in return by giving him a rare old-school death. Maybe that's not important for some of you moral-types but it would be to my heroes. It would matter to John Paul Jones, it would matter to Alexander, it would matter to Subotai, and it matters to me. I wish I could have a death like that. Instead I'll die the same way you will, tubes coming out of my fat carcass, leaning over to watch the cardio beeper zig when it's supposed to zag, scared out of my head and ashamed to look down at this civilian belly hyperventilating its last chickenshit breaths.

Not Saddam. We may not have meant to, but we showed him the ultimate respect. And he deserved it. He's wherever the real men go; where Pancho Villa went, and Patton, and Richthofen. Not heaven, but someplace way, way better.

Not only does War Nerd understand that Saddam died like a true Man Beard, he also know his own limitations and failings. We here at Man Beard Blog have never claimed to be Man Beards, nor would we. So when all you pussies come on here and start talking shit like you're so much better than us, you don't know who you're dealing with. We're Man Beard Blog, and he's the War Nerd, and you're a fucking anonymous commenter on our blog. Stop shaving and go slaughter a few thousand people and then get back to us.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Secondary Man Beard Characteristics

We all know the list of things that make you a Man Beard:

  • beards (this is #1)
  • putting women in their place
  • irrational exuberance
  • regicide
  • divinity
  • stomping queers
  • testicles
  • artistic creativity
  • piracy

Here are some other traits that have a high correlation with Man Beardness:
  • Wealth - The Man Beard is a powerful figure, and money is the official scorecard of power. Consequently, many Man Beards amass great personal fortunes, often through conquest, plunder, and album sales.
  • Muscles - The power of the Man Beard often is as physical as the beard itself. King Leonidas sets the Man Beard standard for muscles against which we all shall be judged.
  • Disdain - Contempt is a Man Beard personality characteristic that was well demonstrated by Saddam Hussein and his beard. Even in his final hour he demonstrated his disdain for lesser men by mocking their inferiority and manlessness. A Man Beard know that he is better than everyone else, and he takes pride in reminding them of that indisputable fact.
  • Proximity to Breasts - In spite of the importance of putting women in their place, a Man Beard still can't go anywhere without fine ladies begging him for the fruit of his testicles. These harlots are often the objects of a Man Beard's haughty disdain (and sometimes the victims of his violent rage). Any time spent with a woman is time not spent stomping queers; Man Beards have their priorities straight.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Happy Birthday Alec Baldwin('s Chest Hair)

Alec Baldwin might not be a Man Beard (although a commitment to facial hair would give him a strong resume), but he has still earned the respect of Man Beard Blog with his awe-inspiring contributions to the world of chest hair.

Just look at it! Magnificent.

Today, April 3, is his birthday, so Man Beard Blog has composed a poem in his honor. This isn't the least bit gay, rather it is a manifestation of irrational exuberance and artistic creativity erupting in the spirit of Baldwinism.

Ode to Alec Baldwin

Oh my dear Alec,
Your chest hair so thick
And with soulful eyes!

Grim Baldwin Lord
A visage of wisdom,
Manly, proud. Forthright.

An enigma, though
Solvable by few:
Those who know thee truly.

Shine on eternal;
Share with us your wit;
Your love sets us free.

Man Beard News - fear the bearded!

Man Beard Pirate Professor PZ Myers is on yet another deicidal rampage. Man Beard Blog has concluded that PZ is likely attempting to usurp God as the universe's supreme supernatural force, possibly in an effort to raise his Leonidas score (yet to be formally unveiled) by increasing his divinity factor.


Man Beard Man-Child Baller Greg Oden fell short in his quest to become the youngest bearded starting Ohio State center to win the national championship this decade, but only because his beardless teammates weren't able to match his manly efforts. Oden scored 87 points, grabbed 45 rebounds, and blocked 32 shots in a losing effort. Because in sports you're only as strong as your weakest link, Florida was lucky that the rules required Ohio State to field 5 players at all times, otherwise Oden would have played 1 on 5 and easily won the day.


Man Beard Anti-Semite Mel Gibson has taken his irrational exuberance to Denmark, where some low-life beer brewer tried to stifle Gibson's artistic creativity by naming a beer after his movie Braveheart. No word on whether the brewer was a dirty Jew like all of Gibson's other enemies.


Speaking of hating Jews, Man Beard Jew King Jesus will be brutally tortured to death this Friday only to come back to life on Sunday. Hooray! Wait, or did that happened in some book from a million years ago but people think it was real? Sometimes we get confused. Either way, Jesus stomps queers big time!