Indecent Proposal: Irish Beard Style

This marvelous item was posted on Futility Closet.

A razor company once invited George Bernard Shaw to shave his famous beard. He responded with a postcard:

Gentlemen:

I shall never shave, for the same reason that I started a beard, and for the reason my father started his. I remember standing at his side, when I was five, while he was shaving for the last time. "Father," I asked, "Why do you shave?" He stood there for a full minute and finally looked down at me. "Why the hell do I?" he said.

– GBS

Man Beard Blog doesn't know much about Irish playwrights (or the Irish, or playwrights, or plays) but we have to fucking give it up for this fine furry fellow.

For starters, he not only had a beard, he had a famous beard.

Props, yo.

And so famous was this beard that a razor company sought out his endorsement! (Why does this sound familiar?)

Further propers.

But so much irrational beard exuberance was coursing through his whiskey drenched Irish veins, that Shaw failed to realize that "because a razor company paid me to" would be a damn good answer to his father's question.

Fucking triple props, you artistically creative, money-disdaining Man Beard!

Letters to MAN BEARD BLOG

You won't be surprised to learn that MAN BEARD BLOG receives volumes of fan correspondence. Here's the breakdown of the top ten topics of the messages:

1. 73% - "Dude, Man Beard Blog is awesome! Now I want to grow a sweet beard and kill people! Thanks, Man Beard Blog!"
2. 59% - "Can I advertise my product/service on Man Beard Blog?"
3. 57% - "Hey, I'm a Man Beard. You should feature me."
4. 44% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to provide sexual pleasure to bored housewives? If so, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."
5. 42% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to assist lesbian couples to conceive? If so, call us at yyy-yyy-yyyy."
6. 35% - "I think this site is a disgrace. You all are going to hell!!!!!!"
7. 33% - "pE NIs ENlarg EMENT. ViagRA. CLICK HERE"
   
8. 13% - "I'm having a problem with my beard. Can Man Beard Blog help me?"
9. 12% - "You should include other types of body hair. Check out these pictures!"
10. 0.03% - "Regicide is no laughing matter. I have to sleep with one eye open every single night."
    

The percentages don't add up to 100% because many messages contain multiple of these topics. For example, #4 and #6 are often found in the same sprawling 5 page emails. #5 and #9 are similarly linked.

MAN BEARD BLOG recently received an email with the very rare combination of #3 and #8. You wouldn't think that anyone having problems with his beard could possibly be a Man Beard, and it has already been documented that asking to be a Man Beard probably means you aren't a Man Beard. And yet, here is the email from "Mike."

I have grown my very manly black beard very long and bushy several times now in the hope that a local barber could trim it to match King Leonidas.. I haven't had much luck and am further disappointed that specific trimming instructions are no where to be found on the internet anywhere. There are not even any good pix of the beard specifically that I could print out and use for reference. You are my last, best hope... Can you help??? At the very least, do you have some more pix of "The Beard?" If you can help and I actually find someone to trim it properly... I will send you a pix for your site.

For reference, this is my beard a while back....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoxNapkMhk

Please ignore the pink bathroom and the gray in the beard.

Mike.....

Powerful stuff. Is Mike a Man Beard? You be the judge:



Clearly he has the raw beard-growing talent to be a Man Beard. And he's wisely chosen King Leonidas, owner of the perfect beard, as his beard role model. He's ambitious, has nothing but disdain for proper grammar, and puts his woman in her place by only allowing her to decorate that bathroom.

So what does the MAN BEARD BLOG community have to say about this situation. Can we help young Mike?

Mustache Day 2008

The mustache is the retarded little cousin of the beard, and everyone loves their retarded little cousin, so we here at Man Beard Blog love any kind of mustache blogging. Mustache Day is being observed on March 20 this year instead of the standard March 23 (so as not to conflict with the annual celebration of the Man Beard Messiah's regicidal execution). So take a picture of your mustache and send it to the Man Beard Blog intern. Only good things can happen!

Talk like a Pirate

Here at Man Beard Blog, we love pirates. I'd refer you to this post for a full explanation, not that loving pirates requires explanation, but the connection to Man Beard Blog is this:

Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.

Because of the passionate love affair between Man Beard Blog and piracy, we wish to honor pirates by noting that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

We think that it is wonderful that there is such a day, but unfortunately we have no idea what it means to have a day to talk like a pirate. The concept eludes us completely.

You know how sometimes you visit some weird place and everyone talks with a funny accent, but then when you talk normally, suddenly they tell you that you have an accent? And you're all like "what the fuck, I don't have an accent, you have the accent you creepy little shit." I think that's what International Talk Like a Pirate Day is like for us here at Man Beard Blog.

Emulating fierce and fearsome Man Beards of the high seas is a lifestyle for us, an every day occurrence. We don't really need a special day for it, but in some abstract way we recognize that others might.

I think that's why people don't like it when we visit them. They probably think we're about to rape their women and plunder their booty. Which of course we are. We're Man Beard Blog, you creepy little shit, what do you think we're here for, the pleasure your company? Our beards are the only company we need. Go fetch me some rum and your filthiest wench!

Shaqbeard? Do it!

If The Big Aristotle devotes himself to bearding the way The Real Aristotle did, Man Beard Blog will devote 11 consecutive posts on 11 consecutive days to the glory of the Shaqbeard.

Do you hear that, Diesel? I know you've received many honors for basketballing and crime-fighting and weight-loss, but have you ever been featured in 11 consecutive Man Beard Blog posts? That's right. So grow a fucking awesome Shaqbeard and wear it for this whole season.

Man up.

Beard down.