Thursday, October 27, 2005

Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

MAN BEARD BLOG NOTE: This was copied with permission from See For Yourself.

So you've been thinking about growing a beard? Good for you! Beard growing has been a favorite past-time for thousands of years. But beards aren't just for fun and games - the mighty Zeus (image on right) summoned the power of his great beard to help him kill his father, Cronos. Will Ferrell made reference to the legend of Zeus's beard in his recent film, Anchorman.

Many famous people and other historical figures are known for their beards.

Famous Beards:

Abraham Lincoln - 16th President of the United States

Jesus - savior of all mankind

Ricky Williams - troubled NFL running back

Blackbeard - pirate

Sigmund Freud - psychologist, father of psychoanalysis

ZZ Top - rock band

PJ Carlisimo - basketball coach

So you've decided to grow your beard, but are unsure how to proceed. You've come to the right place.

Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

Step 1: Be a man*

Many of the world's nations have granted women the right to vote and the privilege of serving in the military. Sadly, women's rights are still woefully archaic when it comes to beard growing. The vast majority of the world's female population will never be able to grow much, if any, facial hair. While this may be unfair, it is important to realize that not all men who opt to wear a beard are misogynists. In fact, many bearded men are great supporters of the feminist movement, as Will Ferrell taught us with Rachel Dratch.

Politics aside, by being a man you will have completed the first step of growing your beard. Congratulations! Continue on to step 2.

Step 2: Stop shaving

Most men without beards shave their faces on a somewhat regular schedule. Cease this behavior immediately!!! Shaving is the great enemy of beards, and as razor blade technology advances, your beard could be in considerable danger. By shaving every day, you decrease your chances of growing a beard by over 99%.

Step 3: Wait 1 to 12 weeks

Depending on how much of a man you are, and how little you shave, you should have your beard within a week to several months. Also, hopefully all the women stopped reading after step 1, so now I can say that they are all worthless bitches. I'm glad they don't get to have beards. In fact, I've dedicated my own beard to my hatred of all females. I find it an abomination that the right of a bearded man to beat his wife has been threatened. I'm sure Will Ferrell would agree.

Step 4: Enjoy your beard.

Every beard is different, and they can all be enjoyed!

Good luck finding new and exciting ways to enjoy your own special beard. Be creative!

Thank you for reading Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing! May God bless you and your beard, and may Satan curse all women to beardless hellfire for all eternity.

And remember, if your wife doesn't like your new beard, you know how to change that whore's mind.

* Disclaimer: for best beard results, don't be Asian.


Anonymous said...

I am just a young manbeard but aspire to be one of the greatest man beards. although my beard hasen't reached its full potential (which is pissing me the F*@^@$@#@#$@*** OFF) I have put women in their place, wether or not I know them. and I have demonstrated such irrational exuberance I screamed at a random indonesian boy to make me a pair of shoes until he did. but they sucked so i threw them away. last time i checked which was 1 minute ago I have testicles and have shown that i do with numerous gestures. so what advice can you give to an aspiring young manbeard?


My first advice would be to read everything ever written at MAN BEARD BLOG, even the BodyGroom story. Memorize everything, and take its lessons to heart. Second, make very fucking sure that you never cross the line. Beyond that, I'd say that in many ways one can't really TRY to be a Man Beard. You just are you aren't. Certainly one can make adjustments here and there, but you either got it or you don't. Something tells me you've got it, but we'll see...