Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
You might recall that two years ago, MAN BEARD BLOG published a detailed intelligence report about enemy activities. Specifically, through an elaborate subterfuge, we were able to obtain an enemy weapon and analyze its functionality. The news was grim. The weapon performed with terrifying efficiency, especially in region 3. As a sad follow-up, the intern who conducted the tests and filed the report never fully recovered from the experience and is no longer capable of growing body hair. (Good thing we took on an expendable intern!)
The enemy continues to upgrade weaponry, and we now must contend with the Philips Norelco Bodygroom+. The "+" presumably means it's better. However in fear of a Man Beard backlash, these hair haters specifically note that their new product is for use on "all areas below the chin." Now while they admit no ill will towards your beard, the intern's study concluded that the original model was reasonably effective for beard-removal, so we have ample reason to be wary of the next generation technology. Nevertheless, their explicit denial of malevolent intentions towards facial hair is a sign that our efforts here have not been in vain.
With that in mind, this time around we've managed to obtain not one, but three devices. So we've taken on not one, but three interns. These interns are in no way aware of the fate of the first intern. Actually I told them that our previous interns have gone on to grow awesome beards and accumulate massive wealth, and that their life stories are the basis for this site. So look forward to reports from Chris, Zac, and Blake in the near future, and please nobody mention the truth about our last intern, ok?
Keep in mind that MAN BEARD BLOG does not endorse these products, nor do we endorse people who use them. No self-respecting Man Beard would ever engage in "manscaping" or the like. However, many of our readers are not self-respecting Man Beards; that's just simple statistical logic. And as we said last time:
When I was first contacted by a female emissary from the Phillips Norelco legion of darkness, I was naturally wary. As the founder of Man Beard Blog, the Internet's premier source of Beard Wisdom, I've grown accustomed to being a high profile target for the forces of hairlessness. Her offer of a free Bodygroom device for review on my site seemed harmless on its bald face, but I've conditioned myself to treat all friendliness from bald faces as a likely trap.MAN BEARD BLOG is here for you. Never doubt it.
As I was trying to decide which orifice to suggest that this devil-woman make the final resting place of her nefarious anti-beard device, my years devoted to the study of Man Warfare "kicked in" as I remembered the wise words of the immortal fighting Man Beard, Chuck Norris:
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... that way they're always within your roundhouse kick radius."
I admit I felt rather squeamish about accepting the offer from this representative of http://shaveeverywhere.com/ but I realized that it was my duty to the Man Beard Blog community to conduct and disseminate high-level intelligence on the enemy. I decided that I must study the weapon of my foes, so better to know and defeat them.
Monday, December 01, 2008
MAN BEARD BLOG is the world's premier source of news and commentary about Man Beards. Man Beard-hood is underappreciated but we're trying to change that, one blog post at a time. MAN BEARD BLOG is a respected leader in facial hair blogging, with an expertise in beards. We also make valuable contributions to the body hair blog community, the misogyny blog community, and the regicide blog community.
But you already know all of that.
What you might not know is that the experts have recently proven that MAN BEARD BLOG has bigger testicles than any other blog in the world. This enables us to produce more cyber-sperm than any other blog, which in turn has allowed MAN BEARD BLOG to father more baby blogs than any other blog. Some Man Beards would say this means that we're the fittest blog. We don't say that. We don't have to. We just let our balls do the talking. (And they agree with Charlie.)
When all those baby blogs grow up, they'll be fierce Man Beard Blogs like their father, and then we'll all form a family band of unstoppable pirates that will put every woman in the world in her place and also compose lovely sonnets and hang with our new best friend, bearded Will Ferrell. And then where will you be, motherfucker?
That's right, you'll be here. Reading MAN BEARD BLOG.