Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Man Beard flaw?

I guess if I had to name one problem with Man Beards it would be that they sometimes seem to forget that the rest of society doesn't always approve of Man Beard behavior. Luckily the wisely bearded judicial system invented the insanity plea (secretly known as the "Man Beard clause") to help protect Man Beards from society and its prejudices. If you think it seems like society needs protection from Man Beards, you're fucking absolutely right, but you probably don't have a single hair on your chin.

In an unrelated story, Eric notes that Jeff Reardon was found not guilty by reason of insanity for robbing a liquor store.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Ultimate Beard-Off

We've covered a lot here at Man Beard Blog, but there is still a beardload of bearded man-goodness out there that needs to be blogged.

We all know the equation:


But beyond that simple arithmetic is a vast and complex world. A world full of men, full of beards, and full of blogs. A world with beard blogs and man blogs. And most importantly, it is a world full of Man Beards. This is where it all comes together. This is Man Beard Blog.

It isn't always easy.

Tonight as I was reclining upon my fine leather couch, contemplating the next Man Beard Blog entry, I decided that there must be a good number of Man Beards who haven't yet been mentioned in this nascent offering. If this blog was a beard, it would still be a five o'clock shadow. I decided that in order to promote this blog to genuine stubble status, I need to enshrine the greatest remaining Man Beard.

And right as I decided that, the following 8 things all entered my brain within a fraction of a second. Understand that while they are 8 distinct and sequential thoughts, they all exploded into my head together at once, leaving me cowering in fear.

  1. How do you decide who is the greatest unmentioned Man Beard?
  2. There has to be some kind of massive beard-off.
  3. Aha! A tournament of single-elimination 1 on 1 beard-offs!
  4. Nah, that would be way too much effort.
  5. Let's just figure out who would be the finalists of the beard-off.
  6. For the salty love of all beards, this must be.
  7. Oh fuck, this is impossible.
I spent the next few seconds trying to put the shambles of my life back together. The ultimate beard-off was excruciatingly within my sights, and yet unreachable. Beard arithmetic became beard Pythagorean theorem; there was no answer.

And that is when I realized that no answer is the answer. You just can't pit Sean Connery against Chuck Norris. The mere idea is simply too much for the human mind to comprehend, and we're all better off if we just let it go.

Snakes on a Man Beard

A Man Beard doesn't sneak around and try to be something he's not. He just comes right out and tells you what he is, usually by way of the visual spectacle adorning his face. After all, a beardless man can always wear a fake beard, but it is pretty damn hard for a Man Beard in full regalia to appear clean-shaven.

And a Man Beard doesn't apologize for what he is either. He doesn't give a shit if you like him or not. A Man Beard is comfortable in his own skin (unless his skin is surrounded by poisonous snakes). A Man Beard is always rated R, even when its production studio tries to make it into a PG beard, because a Man Beard will get all the beard blogs to rally for more T&A and profanity. Man Beards love T&A and profanity.

Snakes on a Plane is like the Man Beard of movies. Aside from its in-your-face beardesque title, SoaP has everything a Man Beard wants in a movie: snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as beardloads full of gratuitous nudity, violence and F-Bombs.

Plus at the end there's a music video featuring Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson with a sweet black and white beard. Oh and Julianna Margulies is on the plane too. She's ok I guess.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Walter Sobchak respects the rules. He quotes Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, and knows when a rug ties a room together. He's a Vietnam veteran, a bowler, and a Polish-Catholic turned Jew. He once dabbled in pacifism (not in Vietnam of course).

He'll dive out of a moving car, single-handedly beat the shit out of 3 nihilists, knock over a crippled guy's wheelchair, and he'll get you a toe by 3 o'clock - with nail polish. There are ways. You don't want to know about it, believe me.

Walter Sobchak is a Man Beard.

Which isn't to say Walter doesn't have flaws. But unlike that phony Kenny Rogers, Walter's weaknesses flow from his Man Beard characteristics. Yeah, he dog-sits his ex-wife's Pomeranian, but he sure as shit doesn't fucking roll on shabbos. He might be living in the past, but at least it is a past with 3000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax.

To put it into Man Beard terms, Walter's failure to put that woman in her place is because of his irrational exuberance. He's a little bit crazy. But that is what makes him such a potent Man Beard. Would a sane person brandish a firearm to resolve a bowling dispute? Or take a crowbar to a sports car to teach a punk kid a lesson? If that same irrational exuberance leads to him occasionally taking care of a fucking show dog with fucking papers, so be it. It's all part of his sick Cynthia thing.

Walter Sobchack's Man Beard says:

"The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

"Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, ya know domestic... within the city... That ain't legal either."

"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A Beard Scratch to some bald guy!

In the wake of this Kenny Rogers debacle, I think we could all use some inspiration to buoy our spirits. At Man Beard Blog, we recognize that we're only here blogging beards because other brave bearded bloggers paved the way, and I can think of nothing more uplifting than paying tribute to those revolutionary Man Beards. As so today let us give a hearty Beard Scratch to a true pioneer in beard blogging: this guy.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Man Beard that never was

It is hard not to feel betrayed when you look at those pictures. I find it painful to behold a once-glorious Man Beard hacked up into a grotesque distortion of his former self. How could The Gambler have fallen so far? How could the great Country Man Beard show up on American Idol looking like Michael Jackson circa 2000?

Man Beard Blog thanks Mike for bringing this issue to our attention. Eric has also suggested that Kenny's Man Beard status should be revoked. This brings up a difficult question: once a man earns Man Beard status, can it be taken away? Is the Man Beard strictly held to Man Beard standards forever, or has he earned the right to slip up now and then?

Luckily, we won't be forced to answer these questions because Kenny Rogers was never a Man Beard to begin with. Did you actually read that shit?! Not only does he openly admit to having plastic surgery in his mid-60s to reduce the appearance of aging, he says that he had "a lot more a long time ago" and that Dolly Parton used to "kid" him about it!

Is this a fucking joke? Not only was his entire Man Beard appearance just freak science from the very beginning, but he was mocked by Dolly Parton. I don't care that he makes delicious chicken, no Man Beard takes shit from a bimbo with boobs bigger than her cranium.

If all that isn't bad enough he goes on to cry that the media made him hack up his face:

But like everybody I blame the media for it. The first six years of my career, I got more comments on my weight than on my singing. So I think I became so self-conscious that I started working on it harder.

I think when you'’re in the public eye, you feel a pressure to stay younger looking. I guess that'’s what makes the guys who don'’t do it so special. I've always said that gray hair looks good on everybody but yourself. To me, it makes me look old.
Seriously, this guy totally pulled a fast one on us, being listed as a Man Beard for 23 hours. At least he seems to know what a huge joke he is. Man Beard blog knows when to walk away and when to run. And it is time to run away from Kenny Rogers.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Country Man Beard

Man Beards know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.

They know when to walk away, and when to run.

Man Beards never count their money when they're sitting at the table.

They know there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done.

Man Beards know where to find the world's greatest rotisserie chicken, and that the wood makes it good.

And so Man Beard Blog salutes the great patriarchal Man Beard of country music, Mr. Kenny Rogers. His glistening white beard delivers the 3 things that Man Beards crave most: beautiful songs, sagacious wisdom, and delicious roasted chicken.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Proof that Jesus was a Man Beard

List of known facts:

Using simple logic we can conclude:

  • Beards are divine
  • Killing kings is divine
  • Jesus likes fag-stomping
  • Jesus hates women


Jesus was a masterful Man Beard.



Some ignorant people might think that writing about the beauty and majesty of another man's beard is a "gay" thing to do. Well those people are probably stupid queers themselves and they're just projecting. There's no such thing as a queer beard, so you better stomp those fags if you want to be a Man Beard.

Man Beards hate homos. God made man and woman Adam and Eve, not man and man Adam and Steve. If it somehow turns out that God made gays, regicidal Man Beards will kill God and then kill his gays.

Don't forget that Man Beards semi-secretly hate women too. How could that be gay?

Now if you homos will excuse me, I need to scour the internet for more pictures of beards and male genitals.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Regicidal Gladiator Man Beard

Gladiator has much to teach us about Man Beards. The movie offers many things from the Man Beard list, including beards, fag-stomping, irrational exuberance, putting women in their place, and regicide. I think its most important lesson for us is that regicide is only manly if conducted in accordance with other Man Beard principles.

Let us first examine the plot.

Maximus, armored in a gritty Battle Beard, leads his men to victory in Germania with "strength and honor."

Knowing his white beard's strength is waning, Marcus Aurelius chooses Maximus as heir to his throne.

Prince Commodus uses trickery to become king, by secretly killing the Caesar and claiming his father's throne. Commodus feels inadequate in his beardlessness and wants to do his own sister.

Meanwhile Maximus is trained to be a gladiator by Proximo, whose beard is a resonating symbol of his old man strength.

Eventually Gladiator Maximum lures Emperor Commodus into the arena and easily kills him despite receiving a lethal cheap shot backstage.

We see that both Maximus and Commodus commit regicide. Yet only Maximus is a true Man Beard because he excelled in other areas of manhood while Commodus is a miserable man-failure.

I'll concede that Commodus gets the better of Maximus when it comes to irrational exuberance, wanting to be loved by the people so much that he rushes into a duel with a highly trained killing machine. But Commodus is so inferior in every other way that he will never be seriously considered for Man Beard status.

A big problem for Commodus is that he is a huge queer. Only queers have incestuous longings. How could he possibly fag-stomp if he's a fag himself? Maximus not only stomps that queer, but he does it while simultaneously committing regicide, making his regicidal act far more impressive.

Commodus' next issue is that he is a snivelling little pussy. Setting aside the fact that she was his sister, if you are the Emperor of Rome, and you want to get it on with a bitch, you make it happen. If she doesn't want to do it, you remind her that you're the man and then you put that woman in her place. Commodus just giggled and sulked like a scolded child. Maximus knew exactly what he wanted from her, knew exactly how to put that bitch in her place.

But most importantly, Maximus always offered a respectable Man Beard. From the unkempt Battle Beard in the opening scene to his neatly-trimmed Show Beard for the final stroke, the Spaniard's face was always adorned with hair. Commodus could barely manage a 5 o'clock shadow in an age without the Mach 3 razor. Pathetic.

Men don't like being told what to do, so they hate authority figures. There is no greater way to express that disdain than killing a king. But Gladiator teaches us that only when performed in conjunction with other manly things does regicide truly become the sport of Man Beards.

(By the way I heard that Russell Crowe has testicles the size of tangerines.)


Man Beard Blog is about being manly, and there are things other than beards that are important to being a Man Beard.

Testicles are manly. They produce testosterone and sperm and they hang in the scrotum. In mammals, testicular size corresponds to the number of mates, so men with bigger testicles must have sex with more women and are obviously more manly as a result.

A man with a beard will usually have testicles. A man with an impressive beard will most likely have huge testicles.

The testicles of a true Man Beard are gigantic, unless perhaps they were wounded in battle, although many Man Beards are so virile that they can spontaneously regenerate severed testicles. In addition to their power of healing, Man Beard Balls are known to have other magical powers. Michael McDonald's are so large that no Mexican woman can resist the temptation to touch them.

big balls

Michael McDonald: Motown Man Beard

beard of mcdonaldTry to tell me you've never looked with envy upon the face of Michael McDonald, and I'll know you're either a liar or a God. This guy has been dazzling audiences with his blue-eyed soul and his trademark beard for decades.

Thanks to Eric for nominating McDonald for Man Beard status, but frankly this is a man for whom nomination is merely a formality. You see, the nomination process is polite and democratic and it creates the appearance of fairness. But our dark little secret at Man Beard Blog is that there's nothing democratic or fair about beards. God has either given you a glorious beard or he hasn't.

michael mcdonald beardWhen you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

Floyd Landis: American Man Beard, Jean Reno: French Man Beard

beardCycling is a profession that demands an aerodynamic facial situation. His beard might not have the flair of Mel Gibson's, but make no mistake about it: Floyd Landis is a Man Beard.

Landis has defiantly insisted that his Tour of France victory was not tainted by the use of steroids, claiming that the test result that flagged an unusually high level of testosterone wasn't the result of doping. He said "the levels that I've had during the Tour and all my career are natural and produced by my own organism."

Floyd Landis has a manly organism that produces abnormally high levels of testosterone, which would explain the presence of a pretty decent looking beard under the circumstances.

Landis rejects authority, saying "I ask not to be judged, or much less to be sentenced by anyone."

jean reno beardHe then went on to cement his Man Beard by asserting: "I was the strongest guy. I deserved to win, and I'm proud of it."

We here at the Man Beard Blog suspect that France and/or the French are somehow to blame for this, since they have an unusually low concentration of Man Beards in their population, Jean Reno nonwithstanding. If Landis is not vindicated by the second drug test, we will be forced to conclude that Leon the Professional was involved in some kind of urine substitution sting to frame the American Man Beard.

Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein: Man Beards

Saddam Beard
The biggest news in beards right now has to be the impressive specimen that famous actor Mel Gibson is sporting, which many are noting has a striking resemblance to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's bushy monstrosity.

Gibson is in the news because he got plastered then made anti-Semitic comments and insulted police officers while being arrested for drunk driving. Hussein is a ruthless dictator who refused to acknowledge the authority of the courts while on trial for committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Both men wear fantastic multi-colored beards that must scare the shit out of small children.

Mel Gibson BeardThese two share many other traits that are highly valued here at Man Beard Blog: