Monday, April 09, 2007

War Nerd is Russian for Man Beard

On a recent expedition to Russia in search of Moscow Man Beards, while shifting through the pierogis and snow and shit, we stumbled upon what might be the greatest Man Beard tribute ever published outside of the sacred confines of Man Beard Blog. Written by an American who calls himself War Nerd, Saddam Died Beautiful says just about everything I've ever wanted to say about the Glorious Iraqi Man Beard.

Saddam told the ski-mask monkeys they weren't real men. And he had the right to say that too. Call him what you want, but Saddam was a man, a real man. One of the last. To me, watching that execution was like watching Planet of the Apes: a bunch of de-evolved primates killing the last man. Saddam looked like the 20th century in that overcoat and hat. He'd lost weight in prison. Never flinched, not once. You try that: going to the gallows with your blood enemies screaming insults at you. See if you can hold your bladder, never mind answer back as fast and calm as he did.
Can I get a beard scratch for the War Nerd? We were just writing about this a few days ago, only now we find out that this exiled American in Moscow has already done it! It's funny though; here's a guy who has just about everything figured out, except the only thing he doesn't mention is Saddam's beard. Weird. It's almost like the actual beard doesn't matter.... I know, that's crazy!

Sure, Saddam was a killer. Don't you get it by now? In a place like Iraq, killing is how you run things... Blaming Saddam for being what he was is like blaming a rattlesnake for killing.

Hell yes! Man Beards don't fucking cuddle up next to you like a fucking Tony Blair puppy. They bite the hand that is in front of their mouth, whether it feeds them or not. They don't give a shit what you think about that. Neither did Saddam. He was a brutal killing machine. He was a Man Beard.

This War Nerd needs to be part of Man Beard Blog. I can't imagine him existing outside of our alternate reality:

We did Saddam an accidental favor in return by giving him a rare old-school death. Maybe that's not important for some of you moral-types but it would be to my heroes. It would matter to John Paul Jones, it would matter to Alexander, it would matter to Subotai, and it matters to me. I wish I could have a death like that. Instead I'll die the same way you will, tubes coming out of my fat carcass, leaning over to watch the cardio beeper zig when it's supposed to zag, scared out of my head and ashamed to look down at this civilian belly hyperventilating its last chickenshit breaths.

Not Saddam. We may not have meant to, but we showed him the ultimate respect. And he deserved it. He's wherever the real men go; where Pancho Villa went, and Patton, and Richthofen. Not heaven, but someplace way, way better.

Not only does War Nerd understand that Saddam died like a true Man Beard, he also know his own limitations and failings. We here at Man Beard Blog have never claimed to be Man Beards, nor would we. So when all you pussies come on here and start talking shit like you're so much better than us, you don't know who you're dealing with. We're Man Beard Blog, and he's the War Nerd, and you're a fucking anonymous commenter on our blog. Stop shaving and go slaughter a few thousand people and then get back to us.

No comments: