Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Man Beard: Charles Darwin



Of all the great historical scientific Man Beards, Charles Darwin is by far the one this post is about. Darwin is a prime exhibit of 3 primary Man Beard characteristics, any one of which by itself would have likely earned him Man Beard status:

  1. Beards: Darwin is famous for his bushy Old Man Beard. Take a few minutes to gaze at the picture of Darwin. Drink in his flowing white evolutionary goodness; such bearded magesty should be savored.
  2. Regicide: Darwin killed God with the release of his 1859 masterpiece, On the Origin of Species, which proposed evolution by common descent as the natural explanation of the diversity of life on earth. Since deicide is the ultimate form of regicide, Darwin's accomplishment ranks high among the all time Man Beard accomplishments.
  3. Divinity: Darwin was the earthly founder and is the central character of worship of followers of Darwinism, a faith-based scientific religion to which most modern biologists adhere. They proclaim Darwin as their own personal god, who answers their theories with evolutionary fact.
Darwin might also have a claim to other Man Beard traits. It seems highly likely that Darwin also possessed testicles of unusual size, given that he fathered at least 10 legitimate children, though Man Beard Blog has been unable to obtain access to his autopsy report to validate this claim. It could also be argued that his theory of evolution is a manifesto of queer-stomping because it proves that queers are an evolutionary dead end. But many modern experts of evolution point out that the very existence of modern homosexuals disproves Darwin, so let's just avoid that subject. We're not here to trample the man's grave, we're here to celebrate his beard and his Man Beard induction!

2 comments:

Brutus said...

I didn't know how to put this on the site but I was watching a movie last night and discovered a wonderful manbeard...Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt is the perfect embodiment of all that makes one a Man Beard. First, he sports a masterful beard throughout most of the movie. This beard was not part of his character at the beginning of the movie, but as he started to progress to the seventh level of crazy, the beard was grown as a warning to the world, “watch yourself, I’ll fuckin murder you.” He murders many, many animals of all species on several continents. He also kills many men and finds it necessary to take out their still beating heart and hold it in his hands, how’s that for man-beard status. He makes love and demoralizes all women in his path, even if they date or are set to be married to his own brothers (both brothers by the way are devoid of beard- serves them right), and speaks Cherokee Indian, due to his best friend in the film being an Indian Warrior, Two Stab (are you shitting me, Two Stab)… He also killed two men of the town Helena, Montana that were in a sense, the “Kings” of bootlegging. This substantiates Regicide in a very flagrant public display as well, since everyone in the town knew it was him. He obviously has testicles because he impregnates his wife in the end of the movie twice… As a sidenote, his wife is an indian girl half of his age, true Man Beard style, get em while their young… Irrational exuberance is demonstrated several times by this character throughout the movie. For instance his last arrival home after a decade traveling the world he made his entrance preceded by 25-30 horses that he had corralled himself just to signify his arrival. Pretty irrational if you ask me. Piracy is a large part of this characters image and was confirmed when we watch him travel the world via an actual pirate ship, with sails and a crew… He also came back from these trips with booty for his family… Artistic creativity did not seem like his strongest Man Beard character trait, but there were scenes in which he paints his face before slaughtering all pathetic non-beards that stand in his path… Fact- Brad Pitt is a fierce Man Beard in this Flick…

Brutus said...

I didn't know how to put this on the site but I was watching a movie last night and discovered a wonderful manbeard...Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt is the perfect embodiment of all that makes one a Man Beard. First, he sports a masterful beard throughout most of the movie. This beard was not part of his character at the beginning of the movie, but as he started to progress to the seventh level of crazy, the beard was grown as a warning to the world, “watch yourself, I’ll fuckin murder you.” He murders many, many animals of all species on several continents. He also kills many men and finds it necessary to take out their still beating heart and hold it in his hands, how’s that for man-beard status. He makes love and demoralizes all women in his path, even if they date or are set to be married to his own brothers (both brothers by the way are devoid of beard- serves them right), and speaks Cherokee Indian, due to his best friend in the film being an Indian Warrior, Two Stab (are you shitting me, Two Stab)… He also killed two men of the town Helena, Montana that were in a sense, the “Kings” of bootlegging. This substantiates Regicide in a very flagrant public display as well, since everyone in the town knew it was him. He obviously has testicles because he impregnates his wife in the end of the movie twice… As a sidenote, his wife is an indian girl half of his age, true Man Beard style, get em while their young… Irrational exuberance is demonstrated several times by this character throughout the movie. For instance his last arrival home after a decade traveling the world he made his entrance preceded by 25-30 horses that he had corralled himself just to signify his arrival. Pretty irrational if you ask me. Piracy is a large part of this characters image and was confirmed when we watch him travel the world via an actual pirate ship, with sails and a crew… He also came back from these trips with booty for his family… Artistic creativity did not seem like his strongest Man Beard character trait, but there were scenes in which he paints his face before slaughtering all pathetic non-beards that stand in his path… Fact- Brad Pitt is a fierce Man Beard in this Flick…