Merry Bearded Christmas

Introducing Brian, and the story of the Norelco Bodygroom

When I was first contacted by a female emissary from the Phillips Norelco legion of darkness, I was naturally wary. As the founder of Man Beard Blog, the Internet's premier source of Beard Wisdom, I've grown accustomed to being a high profile target for the forces of hairlessness. Her offer of a free Bodygroom device for review on my site seemed harmless on its bald face, but I've conditioned myself to treat all friendliness from bald faces as a likely trap.

As I was trying to decide which orifice to suggest that this devil-woman make the final resting place of her nefarious anti-beard device, my years devoted to the study of Man Warfare "kicked in" as I remembered the wise words of the immortal fighting Man Beard, Chuck Norris:

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... that way they're always within your roundhouse kick radius."

I admit I felt rather squeamish about accepting the offer from this representative of http://shaveeverywhere.com/ but I realized that it was my duty to the Man Beard Blog community to conduct and disseminate high-level intelligence on the enemy. I decided that I must study the weapon of my foes, so better to know and defeat them.



Inspecting your opponent's sword is one thing, but actually using it on yourself is another, and a step that I knew I'd be unable to take. So I did what the industrious corporate Man Beards do when they need a dirty job done but don't want to do it themselves.

I took on an intern.

Brian had already made his approval of manscaping a matter of public record, and he's an established facial hair enthusiast. While Man Beard Blog cannot condone the former practice (aside from the obvious conflict between hair removal and beard growing, this level of attentiveness to personal grooming sounds a little gay and we all know that Man Beards stomp queers) we begrudgingly admit the need for help from someone with his expertise in this area, and must admit that his infectious enthusiasm for beards of all shapes and sizes is mysteriously endearing.

I hope everyone establishes the appropriate atmosphere of making Brian feel welcome here in his new role while also constantly reminding him of his obvious lack of Man Beard-ness.

Good work on your first assignment, Brian the Intern. And by the way... eeeewwwww!

Product Review- Norelco Bodygroom

Due to the overwhelming popularity of Man Beard Blog, we were recently asked to review the new Philips Norelco Bodygroom and share our opinions with our readers. As an experienced manscaper and self proclaimed body hair expert, I was anxious to receive the electronic device and begin testing.

I did not have to wait long, as less than 48 hours later I had the ergonomically designed electric razor in hand and was ready to put it to the test.

I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the package, pushed the button and the razor turned on. Less than 30 seconds and I went from holding a FedEx overnight box to eliminating unwanted body hair. It is nice when rechargable electronics come charged. There is nothing worse than getting a present that you really wanted only to find out you have to charge it for 8 hours to use the thing. Not the Bodygroom, the folks at Norelco are better than that.

The cordless trimmer comes with 3 attachments, and from my previous clipping experience I knew that these were intended to control the length to which the follicle was cut. Feeling crazy, I first snapped on the "2" piece and raised my right arm. This is where things got hairy. Armpit hair, especially that has been in a long sleeve shirt under a lowered arm all day, tends to be less coarse than hair on other parts of the body. This was immediately giving me trouble with the razor. It seemed to be combing my armpit hair more than cutting it. The actual cutting blades are not large, and are hidden deep under the attachment. So I felt like each swipe of the Bodygroom was removing only the first few hairs it confronted. Then those hairs were clogging the cutting area and preventing the other hairs from entering the cutting zone. I thought that if I switched to the shorter “1” attachment that the problem would be reduced. It wasn’t, as I was still struggling to cut the hair. I will say that I have had this trouble with underarm hair before. I have a three other devices and have had the same problem with all three. So it is possible that it’s not the cutting instrument, it’s me. Needless to say, when I removed the clip and went with the zero I was more successful in removing the hair from under my arm. Then I realized that at no point did I ever intend to remove all the hair from under my arm. Ouch. Not good so far, Bodygroom. On to my chest hair…

Luckily for the BG I don’t have much hair on my chest nor do I want any. Since the clips were already removed, using the BG to remove all the hairs was simple. One of the best features is that it has a cutting edge on both sides. This feature is nullified when using an attachment. However, on level zero the user is able to cut hair on both strokes for an increased rate of hair removal. This took much less time than cutting in the first zone mentioned.

The last area that I attempted to trim was my groin area. PS I have never refered to or heard anyone refer to pubic hair as groin area hair. I honestly felt like this is what the BG was made to do. I found that the hair in this location had a different texture that allowed it to be cut much more efficiently with the design of the BG. I started with the level 3 attachment and noticed that the hair was not being clogged as in area 1. In fact it was just the opposite, I felt like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands. It was only a matter of minutes before I moved down to level 2 and re-cut.

It was in region 3 that I really appreciated the shape of the product. Historically, I have issues due to my angle of attack and relative location of the hair to my hands. I had no trouble positioning the cutting machine and I was hacking away. I feel like I was able to remove hair that I was previously unable to reach. I was also able to put the razor in areas that I normally would not place a cutting device. This is because of the position of the cutting blades relative to the attachments. I did not feel like I was at risk for cutting myself. To explain more clearly, all forms of clippers involve some sort of blade. In most cases, this means two teeth shaped metal blades on top of one another. When the blades vibrate or move, the hairs in between the teeth are cut by the teeth of the other blade. This works well to cut hair, however, it also cuts anything that enters between the two blades. Region 3 is an area that is not as smooth as your back and the tension in your skin isn’t always as consistent. Without getting into too much detail, I have injured myself before and am always very careful to make sure it doesn’t happen again. With the BG it was not a concern. I would be foolish to say it couldn’t happen, but with the design I don’t think I came close to cutting myself.

I performed all of this hair removal in the shower to contain the hairs. One of the worst things about removing body hair is my inability to control where it goes after removal. There are very few things as gross as finding tiny hair pieces all over the bathroom for days. Like grabbing your retainer on your way to bed and finding tiny pieces of dark hair. This is when you try not to think about what region it is from, until you taste what you think is Gold Bond and can no longer fall asleep.

Anyways, in the shower I was able to contain and then vacuum (because I never turned on the water) all of the hairs. The box says that the BG can be used wet or dry, so during future body maintenance I may try using it while showering. I just wouldn’t recommend it if you are going to be removing a decent amount of hair or else your drain will probably get clogged.

After I stepped out of the shower I removed the cutting blade (I think it is supposed to be easily removable, otherwise I broke it already…) and cleanup was a breeze. It was just then that I noticed there was a mesh screen between the two blades. I own an electric razor (although I don’t use it much either) and I know the foil on the top of the BG was for removing very short pieces of hair. I concluded that this hypoallergenic foil was to complete the hair removal process, if you were looking for complete hair removal. Since I am not filming any adult movies anytime soon, I had no desire to use this feature anywhere on my body… except my face. Without thinking I turned the BG back on and began rubbing the razor all over my face. Having just shaved with a normal razor this morning I had very little hair to cut. However, what little stubble that I had was removed by the BG. Next time I should go from face to the rest of my body, as opposed to from region 3 to my face. That was entirely my fault though.

After I finished shaving, I reviewed the packaging and the website and I noticed that this product is not advertised as a facial razor. That reinforced my thoughts, that it cut shorter and more coarse hair more effectively. While it was able to cut facial hairs, that is not what it is born to do. vI felt that it performed best in region 3. This is probably not a surprise to the creators of the project, but I could see how they may have trouble pitching a male private part razor.

Overall, I would give the Bodygroom a thumbs up. I found that it outperformed all of the other products I have used for the same purpose, removing hair from the groin region. Further, it was very easy and fun to use, without compromising performance or safety. I think it would make a good present for any boyfriend or brother, in particular if they are between the ages of 18 and 40 and are troubled with unwanted hair in their most personal regions.

If you are interested, you can purchase one here.

A special thanks to Melanie for providing Man Beard Blog the opportunity to review this new product!

Exciting times at MBB

We've got some good stuff coming up soon.

Maryland Renaissance Festival

I hit up the Ren-Fest this weekend and it was Man Beard overload. So many wonderful beards. Also, lots of cleavage, which was paradoxically a terrible thing. If you've been there, you know what I mean.

(G)ARRRR

International Talk Like a Pirate Day came and went with nary a mention here on Man Beard Blog, a sad commentary on the state of things considering piracy is a critical Man Beard qualification. Hopefully I'll find a way to make up for this inattentiveness.

Man Beard puzzle: Andre Agassi

Is Andre Agassi a Man Beard?

This ESPN commentary says that Agassi finished his tennis career "manfully" and includes a picture of young Andre's brash beard. He is very wealthy, a little crazy, and he sometimes looks like a pirate.

The challenge of trying to assess his worthiness for Man Beard status is that he changed so much over the years. For example, he has a long history of facial hair, but recently he's been totally clean shaven. So that's a strike against him I guess.

Another strike would be that his irrational exuberance probably peaked over 15 years ago, but on the other hand his divinity has steadily increased to the point where he's now a full-blooded tennis deity.

Artistic creativity is an important Man Beard trait that he exhibited in abundance in his early years with his outrageous attire. His garb has been more conventional lately, but does artistic creativity ever really go away? I suspect it has stayed with him but taken on new forms.

So I put the question to the Man Beard readers. Is Andre Agassi a Man Beard? Justify your response.

Man Beard flaw?

I guess if I had to name one problem with Man Beards it would be that they sometimes seem to forget that the rest of society doesn't always approve of Man Beard behavior. Luckily the wisely bearded judicial system invented the insanity plea (secretly known as the "Man Beard clause") to help protect Man Beards from society and its prejudices. If you think it seems like society needs protection from Man Beards, you're fucking absolutely right, but you probably don't have a single hair on your chin.

In an unrelated story, Eric notes that Jeff Reardon was found not guilty by reason of insanity for robbing a liquor store.

The Ultimate Beard-Off

We've covered a lot here at Man Beard Blog, but there is still a beardload of bearded man-goodness out there that needs to be blogged.

We all know the equation:

MAN + BEARD + BLOG = MAN BEARD BLOG

But beyond that simple arithmetic is a vast and complex world. A world full of men, full of beards, and full of blogs. A world with beard blogs and man blogs. And most importantly, it is a world full of Man Beards. This is where it all comes together. This is Man Beard Blog.

It isn't always easy.

Tonight as I was reclining upon my fine leather couch, contemplating the next Man Beard Blog entry, I decided that there must be a good number of Man Beards who haven't yet been mentioned in this nascent offering. If this blog was a beard, it would still be a five o'clock shadow. I decided that in order to promote this blog to genuine stubble status, I need to enshrine the greatest remaining Man Beard.

And right as I decided that, the following 8 things all entered my brain within a fraction of a second. Understand that while they are 8 distinct and sequential thoughts, they all exploded into my head together at once, leaving me cowering in fear.

1. How do you decide who is the greatest unmentioned Man Beard?
2. There has to be some kind of massive beard-off.
   
3. Aha! A tournament of single-elimination 1 on 1 beard-offs!
4. Nah, that would be way too much effort.
5. Let's just figure out who would be the finalists of the beard-off.
6. 
7. For the salty love of all beards, this must be.
   
8. Oh fuck, this is impossible.

I spent the next few seconds trying to put the shambles of my life back together. The ultimate beard-off was excruciatingly within my sights, and yet unreachable. Beard arithmetic became beard Pythagorean theorem; there was no answer.

And that is when I realized that no answer is the answer. You just can't pit Sean Connery against Chuck Norris. The mere idea is simply too much for the human mind to comprehend, and we're all better off if we just let it go.

Snakes on a Man Beard

A Man Beard doesn't sneak around and try to be something he's not. He just comes right out and tells you what he is, usually by way of the visual spectacle adorning his face. After all, a beardless man can always wear a fake beard, but it is pretty damn hard for a Man Beard in full regalia to appear clean-shaven.

And a Man Beard doesn't apologize for what he is either. He doesn't give a shit if you like him or not. A Man Beard is comfortable in his own skin (unless his skin is surrounded by poisonous snakes). A Man Beard is always rated R, even when its production studio tries to make it into a PG beard, because a Man Beard will get all the beard blogs to rally for more T&A and profanity. Man Beards love T&A and profanity.

Snakes on a Plane is like the Man Beard of movies. Aside from its in-your-face beardesque title, SoaP has everything a Man Beard wants in a movie: snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as beardloads full of gratuitous nudity, violence and F-Bombs.

Plus at the end there's a music video featuring Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson with a sweet black and white beard. Oh and Julianna Margulies is on the plane too. She's ok I guess.

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Walter Sobchak respects the rules. He quotes Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, and knows when a rug ties a room together. He's a Vietnam veteran, a bowler, and a Polish-Catholic turned Jew. He once dabbled in pacifism (not in Vietnam of course).

He'll dive out of a moving car, single-handedly beat the shit out of 3 nihilists, knock over a crippled guy's wheelchair, and he'll get you a toe by 3 o'clock - with nail polish. There are ways. You don't want to know about it, believe me.

Walter Sobchak is a Man Beard.

Which isn't to say Walter doesn't have flaws. But unlike that phony Kenny Rogers, Walter's weaknesses flow from his Man Beard characteristics. Yeah, he dog-sits his ex-wife's Pomeranian, but he sure as shit doesn't fucking roll on shabbos. He might be living in the past, but at least it is a past with 3000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax.


To put it into Man Beard terms, Walter's failure to put that woman in her place is because of his irrational exuberance. He's a little bit crazy. But that is what makes him such a potent Man Beard. Would a sane person brandish a firearm to resolve a bowling dispute? Or take a crowbar to a sports car to teach a punk kid a lesson? If that same irrational exuberance leads to him occasionally taking care of a fucking show dog with fucking papers, so be it. It's all part of his sick Cynthia thing.

Walter Sobchack's Man Beard says:

"The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

"Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, ya know domestic... within the city... That ain't legal either."

"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

Even the f**king trees have beards

A Beard Scratch to some bald guy!

In the wake of this Kenny Rogers debacle, I think we could all use some inspiration to buoy our spirits. At Man Beard Blog, we recognize that we're only here blogging beards because other brave bearded bloggers paved the way, and I can think of nothing more uplifting than paying tribute to those revolutionary Man Beards. As so today let us give a hearty Beard Scratch to a true pioneer in beard blogging: this guy.

The Man Beard that never was

It is hard not to feel betrayed when you look at those pictures. I find it painful to behold a once-glorious Man Beard hacked up into a grotesque distortion of his former self. How could The Gambler have fallen so far? How could the great Country Man Beard show up on American Idol looking like Michael Jackson circa 2000?

Man Beard Blog thanks Mike for bringing this issue to our attention. Eric has also suggested that Kenny's Man Beard status should be revoked. This brings up a difficult question: once a man earns Man Beard status, can it be taken away? Is the Man Beard strictly held to Man Beard standards forever, or has he earned the right to slip up now and then?

Luckily, we won't be forced to answer these questions because Kenny Rogers was never a Man Beard to begin with. Did you actually read that shit?! Not only does he openly admit to having plastic surgery in his mid-60s to reduce the appearance of aging, he says that he had "a lot more a long time ago" and that Dolly Parton used to "kid" him about it!

Is this a fucking joke? Not only was his entire Man Beard appearance just freak science from the very beginning, but he was mocked by Dolly Parton. I don't care that he makes delicious chicken, no Man Beard takes shit from a bimbo with boobs bigger than her cranium.

If all that isn't bad enough he goes on to cry that the media made him hack up his face:

But like everybody I blame the media for it. The first six years of my career, I got more comments on my weight than on my singing. So I think I became so self-conscious that I started working on it harder.

I think when you'’re in the public eye, you feel a pressure to stay younger looking. I guess that'’s what makes the guys who don'’t do it so special. I've always said that gray hair looks good on everybody but yourself. To me, it makes me look old.

Seriously, this guy totally pulled a fast one on us, being listed as a Man Beard for 23 hours. At least he seems to know what a huge joke he is. Man Beard blog knows when to walk away and when to run. And it is time to run away from Kenny Rogers.

Country Man Beard

Man Beards know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.

They know when to walk away, and when to run.

Man Beards never count their money when they're sitting at the table.

They know there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done.

Man Beards know where to find the world's greatest rotisserie chicken, and that the wood makes it good.

And so Man Beard Blog salutes the great patriarchal Man Beard of country music, Mr. Kenny Rogers. His glistening white beard delivers the 3 things that Man Beards crave most: beautiful songs, sagacious wisdom, and delicious roasted chicken.

Proof that Jesus was a Man Beard

List of known facts:

• Jesus had a Beard.
• Jesus was God.
• God hates fags.
• Jesus was the King of the Jews.
• God hired the Jews to kill Jesus.
• God hates women.

Using simple logic we can conclude:

• Beards are divine
• Killing kings is divine
• Jesus likes fag-stomping
• Jesus hates women

Ergo:


Jesus was a masterful Man Beard.


Q.E.D.

Homophobia

Some ignorant people might think that writing about the beauty and majesty of another man's beard is a "gay" thing to do. Well those people are probably stupid queers themselves and they're just projecting. There's no such thing as a queer beard, so you better stomp those fags if you want to be a Man Beard.

Man Beards hate homos. God made man and woman Adam and Eve, not man and man Adam and Steve. If it somehow turns out that God made gays, regicidal Man Beards will kill God and then kill his gays.

Don't forget that Man Beards semi-secretly hate women too. How could that be gay?

Now if you homos will excuse me, I need to scour the internet for more pictures of beards and male genitals.

Regicidal Gladiator Man Beard

Gladiator has much to teach us about Man Beards. The movie offers many things from the Man Beard list, including beards, fag-stomping, irrational exuberance, putting women in their place, and regicide. I think its most important lesson for us is that regicide is only manly if conducted in accordance with other Man Beard principles.

Let us first examine the plot.

Maximus, armored in a gritty Battle Beard, leads his men to victory in Germania with "strength and honor."

Knowing his white beard's strength is waning, Marcus Aurelius chooses Maximus as heir to his throne.

Prince Commodus uses trickery to become king, by secretly killing the Caesar and claiming his father's throne. Commodus feels inadequate in his beardlessness and wants to do his own sister.

Meanwhile Maximus is trained to be a gladiator by Proximo, whose beard is a resonating symbol of his old man strength.

Eventually Gladiator Maximum lures Emperor Commodus into the arena and easily kills him despite receiving a lethal cheap shot backstage.

We see that both Maximus and Commodus commit regicide. Yet only Maximus is a true Man Beard because he excelled in other areas of manhood while Commodus is a miserable man-failure.

I'll concede that Commodus gets the better of Maximus when it comes to irrational exuberance, wanting to be loved by the people so much that he rushes into a duel with a highly trained killing machine. But Commodus is so inferior in every other way that he will never be seriously considered for Man Beard status.

A big problem for Commodus is that he is a huge queer. Only queers have incestuous longings. How could he possibly fag-stomp if he's a fag himself? Maximus not only stomps that queer, but he does it while simultaneously committing regicide, making his regicidal act far more impressive.

Commodus' next issue is that he is a snivelling little pussy. Setting aside the fact that she was his sister, if you are the Emperor of Rome, and you want to get it on with a bitch, you make it happen. If she doesn't want to do it, you remind her that you're the man and then you put that woman in her place. Commodus just giggled and sulked like a scolded child. Maximus knew exactly what he wanted from her, knew exactly how to put that bitch in her place.

But most importantly, Maximus always offered a respectable Man Beard. From the unkempt Battle Beard in the opening scene to his neatly-trimmed Show Beard for the final stroke, the Spaniard's face was always adorned with hair. Commodus could barely manage a 5 o'clock shadow in an age without the Mach 3 razor. Pathetic.

Men don't like being told what to do, so they hate authority figures. There is no greater way to express that disdain than killing a king. But Gladiator teaches us that only when performed in conjunction with other manly things does regicide truly become the sport of Man Beards.

(By the way I heard that Russell Crowe has testicles the size of tangerines.)

Testicles

Man Beard Blog is about being manly, and there are things other than beards that are important to being a Man Beard.

Testicles are manly. They produce testosterone and sperm and they hang in the scrotum. In mammals, testicular size corresponds to the number of mates, so men with bigger testicles must have sex with more women and are obviously more manly as a result.

A man with a beard will usually have testicles. A man with an impressive beard will most likely have huge testicles.

The testicles of a true Man Beard are gigantic, unless perhaps they were wounded in battle, although many Man Beards are so virile that they can spontaneously regenerate severed testicles. In addition to their power of healing, Man Beard Balls are known to have other magical powers. Michael McDonald's are so large that no Mexican woman can resist the temptation to touch them.

Michael McDonald: Motown Man Beard

Try to tell me you've never looked with envy upon the face of Michael McDonald, and I'll know you're either a liar or a God. This guy has been dazzling audiences with his blue-eyed soul and his trademark beard for decades.

Thanks to Eric for nominating McDonald for Man Beard status, but frankly this is a man for whom nomination is merely a formality. You see, the nomination process is polite and democratic and it creates the appearance of fairness. But our dark little secret at Man Beard Blog is that there's nothing democratic or fair about beards. God has either given you a glorious beard or he hasn't.

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

Floyd Landis: American Man Beard, Jean Reno: French Man Beard

Cycling is a profession that demands an aerodynamic facial situation. His beard might not have the flair of Mel Gibson's, but make no mistake about it: Floyd Landis is a Man Beard.

Landis has defiantly insisted that his Tour of France victory was not tainted by the use of steroids, claiming that the test result that flagged an unusually high level of testosterone wasn't the result of doping. He said "the levels that I've had during the Tour and all my career are natural and produced by my own organism."

Floyd Landis has a manly organism that produces abnormally high levels of testosterone, which would explain the presence of a pretty decent looking beard under the circumstances.

Landis rejects authority, saying "I ask not to be judged, or much less to be sentenced by anyone."

He then went on to cement his Man Beard by asserting: "I was the strongest guy. I deserved to win, and I'm proud of it."

We here at the Man Beard Blog suspect that France and/or the French are somehow to blame for this, since they have an unusually low concentration of Man Beards in their population, Jean Reno nonwithstanding. If Landis is not vindicated by the second drug test, we will be forced to conclude that Leon the Professional was involved in some kind of urine substitution sting to frame the American Man Beard.

Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein: Man Beards

The biggest news in beards right now has to be the impressive specimen that famous actor Mel Gibson is sporting, which many are noting has a striking resemblance to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's bushy monstrosity.

Gibson is in the news because he got plastered then made anti-Semitic comments and insulted police officers while being arrested for drunk driving. Hussein is a ruthless dictator who refused to acknowledge the authority of the courts while on trial for committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Both men wear fantastic multi-colored beards that must scare the shit out of small children.

These two share many other traits that are highly valued here at Man Beard Blog:

• Virility, proven by their exceptional beards
• Contempt for legal authorities
• Vast personal wealth
  
• Misogyny
• Wide-eyed enthusiasm for a noble cause
• Defiance of those who call them insane
  
• Insanity
• Massive Testicles
  

Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing

MAN BEARD BLOG NOTE: This was copied with permission from See For Yourself. We're pretty sure that this is a hilarious farce. If adspar was actually serious with this, he'd be a disgrace to Man Beards.

I once told Robert F. Kennedy that only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. It is in that spirit that I write today, and I dedicate this blog entry to the eternal memory of my great wisdom. You see, it takes a great man to tell someone how wrong they are, but it takes a perfect man to admit to his own imperfections. So as the greatest of all perfect men, I shall defy paradox in this charitable effort to enlighten you the reader.

You might recall that last fall I published Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. It contained what I thought at the time was valuable information about cultivating facial hair and beating women. I truly believed in the righteousness of beards and the worthlessness of females, and all of my words and deeds flowed from those deeply-held beliefs. I held them deep within my soul; they nourished me.

Yet here I am today, publishing Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. If you're wondering why the change of heart, either you haven't seen The DaVinci Code or you're an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the central message of the movie. But that's ok. I'm here to help you.

In the movie, Tom Hanks teaches us that the Catholic Church has sponsored a huge conspiracy to hide the fact that Jesus was married to a prostitute and that his whore-wife, Mary Magdalene, is really the one we should all be worshipping.

It is shocking information that will shake things up across the whole world, but we know it is true because Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor of seismology so he knows what will shake the earth. And if that isn't enough proof, Gandalf showed us how the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles painted a picture when he was at dinner with Jesus one time, and if you look at his painting you can see how Mary Magdalene was there being a whore right in front of Jesus. And if that isn't enough, the space between Jesus and his wife makes a letter V, which stands for Vagina.



Watching this movie, I began to realize that something was wrong with my life. I had been hating women because they were such whores. But if the True Savior was really a prostitute, that would have to mean that women aren't such a bunch of worthless bitches after all. And so Tom Hanks taught me to embrace the sacred feminine and the Holy Grail of her Vagina.

But if women were to be admired rather than despised, that clearly meant that beards had to be despised rather than admired. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. Revisiting my list of bearded heros, I saw that nothing good ever came from wearing a beard.

Famous Beards:

1. PJ Carlisimo - This guy is best known for being choked by a player on his team. Maybe if he learned how to use a razor Latrell would have had more respect for him.
   
2. ZZ Top - I can't even name one song they sing. I think maybe they sing that one song that goes "but now I might be mistaken, a ha ha ha ha!" but I'm not sure. If it was them, I guess that is a bit cool, but still, you can't understand another word in that song. They could probably enunciate more clearly if they hacked the disgusting masses of hair off their faces.
   
3. Sigmund Freud - The guy literally called everyone in the whole world a mother-fucker. Get a razor, a-hole.
   
4. Blackbeard - This guy was an evil, thieving, drunken pirate whose beard was crucial to his identity. His reign of terror didn't even last 3 years before he was beheaded by Robert Maynard.
   
5. Ricky Williams - He keeps getting suspended from NFL for drug use. And now he is so deeply in debt that he had to get a job in Canada. Pathetic.
   
6. Abe Lincoln - He tried to a good deed by freeing the slaves, but in the end his beard caught up to him, as he assassinated while watching some crappy play.
   
7. Zeus - He used to have a lot of bearded power, but he was debunked by Jesus.
   
8. Jesus - He used to have a lot of power, but he was debunked by Tom Hanks. His famous beard was such good padding that his "turn the other cheek" advice made some sense for him. But then he took that message to far as he let the Romans torture and execute him. If he had shaved his beard sooner, he might have realized that getting slapped across the face hurts. Then he would have called his father to totally beat down the Romans and his wife wouldn't have been suppressed by the Catholics.
   

We can all see a clear trend. Beards lead to substance abuse and often-lethal violence.

Tom Hanks' message was foreshadowed by Will Ferrell when the darkest days of Ron Burgandy's life were marked by the presence of a bushy beard. When the Anchorman wanted to get his life back on track, he knew that the beard had to go. Milk was a bad choice because milk comes from the sacred feminine, which naturally clashes with any brambling beard.

Yet still the milk nourished him, just as my hatred of women had nourished me. This subtle twist of irony brings me back to where I started: admitting that I was wrong to endorse the growing of beards and the hating of women.

Thanks to The DaVinci Code, my life is back on track:

• I now see that God loves Tom Hanks, women, and smooth-faced asian men.
• I believe that clean-shaven men are to be commended for their decision to embrace beardlessness.
• I know that Jesus was a phoney, and that his beard led to 2,000 years of lies.
• I understand that the only good beards belong to clams because the V is in and the cross is out.
• I've atoned for my sins by promoting these truths.