PZ Man Beard

PZ Myers sports a sturdy professorial beard and poses with ferocious cartoon beasts (see image).



When he's not waging war for science or romancing cephalopods, he intelligently designs mad deicide machines and then blogs all over his pathetic victims. His artistic creativity manifests itself both by inspiring others and by his tasteful decorating style.

He deserves a better introduction, and soon he shall have it, but for now let us simply celebrate... PZ Myers: MAN BEARD!

Who is a Man Beard? NOT YOU!

There has been nothing but silence in response to our impassioned plea for assistance, and that silence speaks volumes about the irrational exuberance of our readership. Man Beard Blog is hereby issuing a resounding "FUCK YOU" to all of its readers, not one of whom could ever possibly be a Man Beard. If you are reading this, you're a hairless, rationally restrained, artistically stunted mortal, and you can go suck a choad.

At this point it would take a miraculous bearded act of Jesus or Michael McDonald, specifically one of them actually reading this blog, to overturn this official (and staggeringly self-defeating) condemnation of our own audience.

Man Beard Blog needs your help!

Man Beard Blog has been out in the world for well over 35 years now, and as such, we feel it is time to be recognized. Certainly no other blog has covered Man Beards with such dedication, passion, respect, arousal, devotion, and zeal.

And yet, when I search Wikipedia for "Man Beard," I find no entry. Man Beards deserve a Wikipedia entry. I'd correct this travesty myself, but there seems to be a prominent mandate ("things to avoid" section) urging against such action. So ,whoever creates a lasting entry for Man Beards will instantly be given the right to bestow Man Beard status upon a person of his own choosing (including himself).

Things to keep in mind:

• Follow the rules! It might not be the Man Beard way, but sometimes you have to bow down before a greater power (so you can stab them in the back later).
  
• Wikipedia values 3rd party references, which might be a bit of a weakness for Man Beard Blog. Be creative!
• Link ... to ... other ... Man ... Beard ... issues!
  

WHEW!!

It turns out that Nancy Pelosi is not a pirate.

This is an extremely fortunate turn of events, because if a gay-loving grandmother in her late 60s was actually a pirate, I'm pretty sure Man Beard Blog would have violently exploded.

Man Beard role model

Tim Hardaway is also safe!

Operation Stomp the NBA

John Amaechi is out and now nobody is safe except for Baller Man Beards like LeBron James, Bill Walton, Scott Pollard, Zydrunas Ilguaskas, Phil Jackson, Greg Oden, and Pau Gasol. The rest of the league is suspect. How many of them are queer, trying to destroy family values with their radical homosexist agenda!!?

I think it is time for Man Beards to wage some preemptive queer-stomping war against ballers who almost certainly have secret WMDs (Wanting of Massive Dongs).


John Starks? British intelligence said he went 2 for 18 from the field the night after his boyfriend broke up with him. STOMP!



Kwame Brown? After he tried to get uranium from Africa, this #1 draft pick couldn't handle the pressure of his secret life (and he is "friends" with Osama). STOMP!



Jeff Foster? Makes sex eyes at every man he sees, including Muslims like the ones who hijacked planes. STOMP!


Dwayne Wade? Damon Jones? No two dudes can walk around together looking this dapper unless they are having sex with each other, and if you disagree you must be a homo-supporter who hates America. DOUBLE-STOMP!

Piracy

Piracy is a Man Beard trait that hasn't been much discussed here at Man Beard Blog, but please don't think that makes it unimportant to us. To help you understand the connection, please conduct the following 3-step thought experiment, which should take about 15 seconds:

1. Close your eyes and relax your mind.
2. Picture a pirate. (If it helps, say "AAAARRRRRRR!!" while picturing your pirate.)
3. Picture 2 more pirates standing next to the first pirate. (If it helps, imagine them greeting each other with "Avast, me matey!" or "Shiver me timbers!"

So how did it go? Do you have the picture? How does it look? Well unless you're fucking retarded and know nothing at all about pirates, your mental picture included beards (approximately two to five). Pirates love beards.

Your picture also included most of the following:

• muskets
• cutlasses
• daggers
• pistols
• cannons
  
• bottles of rum, whiskey, and grog
  
• various forms of tobacco
• saucy wenches, filthy prostitutes, and terrified rape victims
  

This demonstrates that pirates love regicidal warfare and irrationally exuberant drunken debauchery that puts women in their place, and as a result have an ample number of:

• hooks for hands
• wooden peg-legs
• eye patches
• missing teeth
  
• scars
• skulls
  

Your image also might include some flamboyant attire or a parrot companion, demonstrating the underrated artistic creativity of your average pirate.

What this thought experiment demonstrates is that piracy is highly correlated with several other Man Beard traits. Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.


*If you're struggling with this concept, think of it this way: Regicide is a kind of homicide, therefor regicide is homicide. Similarly, as all homicide is not necessarily regicide, all Man Beards are not necessarily pirates. Here it should be further noted that piracy is not a higher form of Man Beard-ness, just an unranked subgroup within the Man Beard realm, whereas regicide is a higher form of homicide, and deicide a higher form of regicide. The homicide-regicide-deicide continuum is like every other Man Beard trait, where more extreme versions of the trait are more Man Beardly (bigger testicles, more fag-stomping, more divine, etc). So while pirates aren't a higher ranking group within the Man Beard world, those who are more piratey (like a drunk bearded toothless guy with 2 peg legs, a hook, and a parrot) are higher Man Beards.

Feline Man Beard!?

Walt claims to own a Man Beard Cat. I'm not sure if Man Beard status can apply to a non-human, although there are probably some Man Beard chimps and gorillas out there. But can Man Beard extend beyond the primates? I doubt it, but this is a strong case:

my cat may not be a normal man-cat. he may be a man-beard-cat. although not a proper beard, he does have a downwards-pointing triangle of white fur amidst all the black at the top of his chest right under his mouthb. he puts bitches in their place by making my girlfriend pick up his shit. his attempts to commit regicide are well-documented, through his several attempts to trip me on the stairway, and the one time he knocked a rather large wall mirror over onto my head. irrational exuberance is covered basically by being losing his damn mind as soon as anyone either wakes up or comes home. unfortunately, he takes a big hit in the categories of queer stomping and testicles, since he doesn't know what a queer is and is neutered. i'm also not so sure how artistic creativity and divinity could be applied to a cat.