Leonidas Beard: all you ever need.

It can get pretty lonely when you're the King Leonidas and you have a million Persians trying to fuck things up for Sparta and nobody but you cares to do a damn thing about it. The priests are all like "ooh don't fight this time" and McNulty from The Wire who you thought was your friend is being sketchy as shit. So you're feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. Then you have to leave your hot wife and your badass wolf-son behind as you march off to certain death. Nobody would blame you for being a little lonely, but luckily you're a Man Beard and this isn't a problem for you.


You've worked really hard to make friends that you'll be taking along with you. They're sweaty and oily and rock hard, and they'll never go behind your back on you, because they're growing out of the front side of your torso, all 18 of them. Some people prefer to go into Bronze Age warfare wearing some kind of armor, but you know better. Your magnificent, rippling friends will protect you better than any cuirass. You can also use them to sharpen your weapons.



Speaking of cuirasses, if you were still feeling lonely for your family and your unprecedentedly chiseled abs aren't adequately comforting you, there is one last option, although standing over 7 feet tall, he's certainly not the least option. Hairless from head to toe (and everywhere in between) and bedecked in jewels, his name is Xerxes and his fingers work magic on your back after a long day of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

He offers himself to you, and the offer might be a little tempting under these trying circumstances. But you're a Man Beard and he's a queer-ass and he leads the mighty Persian Army who wish to claim your kingdom as their own. There is only one kind of relationship you two can have, and it involves you stomping him or meeting your death in the attempt. That's just how it must be.

When it comes right down to it, all the comfort and inspiration and pleasure you'll ever need is right under your nose. Literally. For there sits the greatest beard in all of recorded history, and you are the mightiest Man Beard that ever was or ever will be. The King Leonidas Beard is the best friend you could ever have, and all you'll ever truly need.

THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!
THIS is my MAN BEARD!