Man Beard Christmas

sometimes there's nothing more to say

The Bodygroom is back. But so is MAN BEARD BLOG.

You might recall that two years ago, MAN BEARD BLOG published a detailed intelligence report about enemy activities. Specifically, through an elaborate subterfuge, we were able to obtain an enemy weapon and analyze its functionality. The news was grim. The weapon performed with terrifying efficiency, especially in region 3. As a sad follow-up, the intern who conducted the tests and filed the report never fully recovered from the experience and is no longer capable of growing body hair. (Good thing we took on an expendable intern!)

The enemy continues to upgrade weaponry, and we now must contend with the Philips Norelco Bodygroom+. The "+" presumably means it's better. However in fear of a Man Beard backlash, these hair haters specifically note that their new product is for use on "all areas below the chin." Now while they admit no ill will towards your beard, the intern's study concluded that the original model was reasonably effective for beard-removal, so we have ample reason to be wary of the next generation technology. Nevertheless, their explicit denial of malevolent intentions towards facial hair is a sign that our efforts here have not been in vain.

With that in mind, this time around we've managed to obtain not one, but three devices. So we've taken on not one, but three interns. These interns are in no way aware of the fate of the first intern. Actually I told them that our previous interns have gone on to grow awesome beards and accumulate massive wealth, and that their life stories are the basis for this site. So look forward to reports from Chris, Zac, and Blake in the near future, and please nobody mention the truth about our last intern, ok?

Keep in mind that MAN BEARD BLOG does not endorse these products, nor do we endorse people who use them. No self-respecting Man Beard would ever engage in "manscaping" or the like. However, many of our readers are not self-respecting Man Beards; that's just simple statistical logic. And as we said last time:

When I was first contacted by a female emissary from the Phillips Norelco legion of darkness, I was naturally wary. As the founder of Man Beard Blog, the Internet's premier source of Beard Wisdom, I've grown accustomed to being a high profile target for the forces of hairlessness. Her offer of a free Bodygroom device for review on my site seemed harmless on its bald face, but I've conditioned myself to treat all friendliness from bald faces as a likely trap.

As I was trying to decide which orifice to suggest that this devil-woman make the final resting place of her nefarious anti-beard device, my years devoted to the study of Man Warfare "kicked in" as I remembered the wise words of the immortal fighting Man Beard, Chuck Norris:

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... that way they're always within your roundhouse kick radius."

I admit I felt rather squeamish about accepting the offer from this representative of http://shaveeverywhere.com/ but I realized that it was my duty to the Man Beard Blog community to conduct and disseminate high-level intelligence on the enemy. I decided that I must study the weapon of my foes, so better to know and defeat them.

MAN BEARD BLOG is here for you. Never doubt it.

Blog Testicles and Big Plans

MAN BEARD BLOG is the world's premier source of news and commentary about Man Beards. Man Beard-hood is underappreciated but we're trying to change that, one blog post at a time. MAN BEARD BLOG is a respected leader in facial hair blogging, with an expertise in beards. We also make valuable contributions to the body hair blog community, the misogyny blog community, and the regicide blog community.

But you already know all of that.

What you might not know is that the experts have recently proven that MAN BEARD BLOG has bigger testicles than any other blog in the world. This enables us to produce more cyber-sperm than any other blog, which in turn has allowed MAN BEARD BLOG to father more baby blogs than any other blog. Some Man Beards would say this means that we're the fittest blog. We don't say that. We don't have to. We just let our balls do the talking. (And they agree with Charlie.)

When all those baby blogs grow up, they'll be fierce Man Beard Blogs like their father, and then we'll all form a family band of unstoppable pirates that will put every woman in the world in her place and also compose lovely sonnets and hang with our new best friend, bearded Will Ferrell. And then where will you be, motherfucker?

That's right, you'll be here. Reading MAN BEARD BLOG.

Man Beard Burn

Man Beard Blog is suffering from a tragic case of razor burn (don't ask) that is keeping us out of action for a little while. If you're lonely as a result, perhaps browse the archives. This would be a fitting place to start, since today is the alleged "Talk-Like-a-Pirate-Day"

Man Beard Nomination: Tristan

A previously unknown Man Beard Blog enthusiast, Brutus, recently posted this comment on an old post.

I didn't know how to put this on the site but I was watching a movie last night and discovered a wonderful manbeard...Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt is the perfect embodiment of all that makes one a Man Beard. First, he sports a masterful beard throughout most of the movie. This beard was not part of his character at the beginning of the movie, but as he started to progress to the seventh level of crazy, the beard was grown as a warning to the world, “watch yourself, I’ll fuckin murder you.” He murders many, many animals of all species on several continents. He also kills many men and finds it necessary to take out their still beating heart and hold it in his hands, how’s that for man-beard status. He makes love and demoralizes all women in his path, even if they date or are set to be married to his own brothers (both brothers by the way are devoid of beard- serves them right), and speaks Cherokee Indian, due to his best friend in the film being an Indian Warrior, Two Stab (are you shitting me, Two Stab)… He also killed two men of the town Helena, Montana that were in a sense, the “Kings” of bootlegging. This substantiates Regicide in a very flagrant public display as well, since everyone in the town knew it was him. He obviously has testicles because he impregnates his wife in the end of the movie twice… As a sidenote, his wife is an indian girl half of his age, true Man Beard style, get em while their young… Irrational exuberance is demonstrated several times by this character throughout the movie. For instance his last arrival home after a decade traveling the world he made his entrance preceded by 25-30 horses that he had corralled himself just to signify his arrival. Pretty irrational if you ask me. Piracy is a large part of this characters image and was confirmed when we watch him travel the world via an actual pirate ship, with sails and a crew… He also came back from these trips with booty for his family… Artistic creativity did not seem like his strongest Man Beard character trait, but there were scenes in which he paints his face before slaughtering all pathetic non-beards that stand in his path… Fact- Brad Pitt is a fierce Man Beard in this Flick…

Man Beard Blog has not seen this movie, and cannot offer any further opinion on that matter, except to say that Brutus makes a strong fucking case.

Beard Humor?

Part of our job here at MAN BEARD BLOG is to stay abreast of important developments in bearding and beard-related matters, so as to have a positive impact on the greater beard community. One such matter is beard humor, so we've been known to scour the internet for the latest beard jokes. This is a popular offering, available in several of the top Google hits:

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Man Beard Blog is frightfully alarmed at the state of beard humor if this is one of the best offerings. We're not even sure if it is really a joke. It might be mildly funny if the punchline was that a man with such a healthy beard that he can maintain regular sexual relations with two women would consider shaving said beard at the request of one of said women. That really wouldn't have been a punchline, more like an amusing premise. The source of the humor is that we all know that such a man would, in reality, flatly deny the indecent request, and proceed to put said woman in her place with some combination of witty insults and physical violence. It is fairly amusing juxtaposition, we'll grant. (In fact we're having a little chuckle now just thinking about it.)

But that can't even be the purported punchline, because the "joke" keeps going, and in fact takes a dark turn as James actually succumbs to the whims of this vile tempstress. No explanation is offered for this catastophic blunder blundering catastrophe tragic devastation devastating tragedy massive fuck-up.

In the end, the whole thing seems more like a Samson and Delilah parable (a story told in our book) than a joke, as James loses his wife's love (to a beardless coward, Michael) along with his beard. All we've learned from this sordid tale is that pogonotomy leads to cuckoldry, which, while a valuable lesson, we don't find the least bit funny.

Man Beard Blog presents: The (Man Beard) Bible

(updated below)

Man Beard Blog has been showing signs of life lately, and so we've been receiving many queries about our whereabouts during the prolonged lull. Our first response to such questioners is to gouge their eyes with a sharp stick we keep nearby for this exact purpose. The eye-gouging sharp stick has yet to be used however, because luckily for you all (you know who you are), the questions were asked via email.

In spite of our overwhelming popularity as instructors and our excellent publication record of high quality research, Blogger.com has yet to offer tenure to Man Beard Blog. But that didn't prevent us from taking a sabbatical, because we're the leading beard academics in the world, and blogging is intellectually draining. But our intentions of taking some time off to rest never were realistic. The beard was itchy, and we had to scratch it.

So we wrote a big fat fucking book.

That's right you smooth-faced little cupcakes, just when you thought you might never seen new Man Beard Blog material again, Man Beard Blog is back in business and now we have a gigantic tome of Man Beard goodness, and we call it The Man Beard Bible.

Well that's what we wanted to call it but our publisher* made us shorten it to just The Bible. But don't worry it is full of beards, regicide, artistic creativity, and putting women in their places. There's also a great deal of divinity and stomping of queers, though not as much piracy or testicles as we would have liked*. Nevertheless it is a strong offering. Some highlights:

• Every single man in the book has a beard. All of the star characters have beards: Moses, Abraham, Jesus, St. Paul, Satan. All of them. Moses had an especially fine white beard.
  
• Showing disdain for my audience, large sections of many of the books are boring as shit. Many are just lists of imaginary characters and who their fathers were. Others are long lists of ridiculous rules that you have to follow like the fucking sheep you are. One of those rules, in the 27th verse of the 19th chapter of Leviticus, is that you are not allowed to trim your beard. That is a good rule.
• Women are put in their place, big time. The lists of shit you must do includes raping women in cities that you've destroyed (Judges 5:30). You can rape women in your own city too, but if her father catches you, you owe him some money and you have to marry her (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). Other times, The Supreme Man Beard Divinity, a.k.a. "God," helps dudes rape women and this one time he turns a woman into stone just for looking at some shit.
• Showing further disdain for our audience, the purported protagonist doesn't even show up until more than halfway through the entire compendium, and then he dies almost right away. His death is a gruesome regicide perpetrated by Roman soldiers. He is a sweet-ass Man Beard though. We then proceed to loudly retell the story 3 times with various bizarre inconsistencies like some drunk. Actually we were drunk when we wrote it. Our words are all slurred and shit.
• There is some fine poetry included. "Song of Songs" is quite lovely.
• Showing complete disdain for our audience, the last book makes no sense whatsoever. We basically just ramble on for pages and pages about shit we dreamed up when we were on drugs.

The good news is that our book is already the best selling work of literature in human history. But that isn't really a surprise.

The bad news is that in our irrational exuberance, we didn't read the papers our publisher had us sign, and we don't actually signed away the rights to all of it. It was a nice move on his part, and we kind of had it coming. I guess that's what happens when you burn all your bridges*. But this was never really about the money anyway; what matters to us is that our work is so beloved and influential. So we can't technically sell you a copy, but you should be able to buy one lots of other places. If you come by, we'll even sign it for you.

UPDATE: It has been brought to our attention that there is strong evidence that The (Man Beard) Bible has existed in more or less its current form for almost 2,000 years. We haven't fully investigated these claims, but it does help explain the speed with which our book shot to the top of the all-time best seller list. We had expected that would take several months.

If research shows this to be the case, it must mean that at some point in the future, a Man Beard invents a time machine and plants our book in the past to use our tales of bearded regicide to inspire 2,000 additional years of queer-stomping and putting women in their places. His mission was an astonishing success, so if he's time traveling to 2008 we hope he drops by to meet us and get an autographed copy!


* Why didn't you override the publisher to stay true to your creative vision, as a real Man Beard would do? A good question. You must be a very astute Man Beard Blog reader to have noticed this conflict and/or the several asterisks and/or the paragraph of small print at the end. Here's the story. When the Man Beard writing juices start flowing, there can be no containing them, so strong is our irrational exuberance and artistic creativity. So we didn't write just one book; we actually wrote between 66 and 72 separate books. So when we brought all of them to a publisher, he suggested that we just start with one. I think he expected us to just sit around and wait and see how it sold or something, and then maybe publish a few more. Well, fuck that guy. We ripped his throat out, and went to another publisher. He also insisted on starting with just one book. We ripped his throat out too. Publishers are a dime a dozen. Well by the end of that day we had 5 more throats but no publisher. We were holding all 7 throats in one hand, and they kind of looked like one big bloody throat. That's where we got the idea to push all 66 to 72 books into a single volume. That was a lot easier to sell to publishers, although by then we had developed a reputation and only one publisher would agree to meet with us. So we pretty much had to do what he said. Hence, The Bible.

Indecent Proposal: Irish Beard Style

This marvelous item was posted on Futility Closet.

A razor company once invited George Bernard Shaw to shave his famous beard. He responded with a postcard:

Gentlemen:

I shall never shave, for the same reason that I started a beard, and for the reason my father started his. I remember standing at his side, when I was five, while he was shaving for the last time. "Father," I asked, "Why do you shave?" He stood there for a full minute and finally looked down at me. "Why the hell do I?" he said.

– GBS

Man Beard Blog doesn't know much about Irish playwrights (or the Irish, or playwrights, or plays) but we have to fucking give it up for this fine furry fellow.

For starters, he not only had a beard, he had a famous beard.

Props, yo.

And so famous was this beard that a razor company sought out his endorsement! (Why does this sound familiar?)

Further propers.

But so much irrational beard exuberance was coursing through his whiskey drenched Irish veins, that Shaw failed to realize that "because a razor company paid me to" would be a damn good answer to his father's question.

Fucking triple props, you artistically creative, money-disdaining Man Beard!

Letters to MAN BEARD BLOG

You won't be surprised to learn that MAN BEARD BLOG receives volumes of fan correspondence. Here's the breakdown of the top ten topics of the messages:

1. 73% - "Dude, Man Beard Blog is awesome! Now I want to grow a sweet beard and kill people! Thanks, Man Beard Blog!"
2. 59% - "Can I advertise my product/service on Man Beard Blog?"
3. 57% - "Hey, I'm a Man Beard. You should feature me."
4. 44% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to provide sexual pleasure to bored housewives? If so, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx."
5. 42% - "Are the authors of Man Beard Blog available to assist lesbian couples to conceive? If so, call us at yyy-yyy-yyyy."
6. 35% - "I think this site is a disgrace. You all are going to hell!!!!!!"
7. 33% - "pE NIs ENlarg EMENT. ViagRA. CLICK HERE"
   
8. 13% - "I'm having a problem with my beard. Can Man Beard Blog help me?"
9. 12% - "You should include other types of body hair. Check out these pictures!"
10. 0.03% - "Regicide is no laughing matter. I have to sleep with one eye open every single night."
    

The percentages don't add up to 100% because many messages contain multiple of these topics. For example, #4 and #6 are often found in the same sprawling 5 page emails. #5 and #9 are similarly linked.

MAN BEARD BLOG recently received an email with the very rare combination of #3 and #8. You wouldn't think that anyone having problems with his beard could possibly be a Man Beard, and it has already been documented that asking to be a Man Beard probably means you aren't a Man Beard. And yet, here is the email from "Mike."

I have grown my very manly black beard very long and bushy several times now in the hope that a local barber could trim it to match King Leonidas.. I haven't had much luck and am further disappointed that specific trimming instructions are no where to be found on the internet anywhere. There are not even any good pix of the beard specifically that I could print out and use for reference. You are my last, best hope... Can you help??? At the very least, do you have some more pix of "The Beard?" If you can help and I actually find someone to trim it properly... I will send you a pix for your site.

For reference, this is my beard a while back....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoxNapkMhk

Please ignore the pink bathroom and the gray in the beard.

Mike.....

Powerful stuff. Is Mike a Man Beard? You be the judge:



Clearly he has the raw beard-growing talent to be a Man Beard. And he's wisely chosen King Leonidas, owner of the perfect beard, as his beard role model. He's ambitious, has nothing but disdain for proper grammar, and puts his woman in her place by only allowing her to decorate that bathroom.

So what does the MAN BEARD BLOG community have to say about this situation. Can we help young Mike?

Mustache Day 2008

The mustache is the retarded little cousin of the beard, and everyone loves their retarded little cousin, so we here at Man Beard Blog love any kind of mustache blogging. Mustache Day is being observed on March 20 this year instead of the standard March 23 (so as not to conflict with the annual celebration of the Man Beard Messiah's regicidal execution). So take a picture of your mustache and send it to the Man Beard Blog intern. Only good things can happen!