Talk like a Pirate

Here at Man Beard Blog, we love pirates. I'd refer you to this post for a full explanation, not that loving pirates requires explanation, but the connection to Man Beard Blog is this:

Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.

Because of the passionate love affair between Man Beard Blog and piracy, we wish to honor pirates by noting that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

We think that it is wonderful that there is such a day, but unfortunately we have no idea what it means to have a day to talk like a pirate. The concept eludes us completely.

You know how sometimes you visit some weird place and everyone talks with a funny accent, but then when you talk normally, suddenly they tell you that you have an accent? And you're all like "what the fuck, I don't have an accent, you have the accent you creepy little shit." I think that's what International Talk Like a Pirate Day is like for us here at Man Beard Blog.

Emulating fierce and fearsome Man Beards of the high seas is a lifestyle for us, an every day occurrence. We don't really need a special day for it, but in some abstract way we recognize that others might.

I think that's why people don't like it when we visit them. They probably think we're about to rape their women and plunder their booty. Which of course we are. We're Man Beard Blog, you creepy little shit, what do you think we're here for, the pleasure your company? Our beards are the only company we need. Go fetch me some rum and your filthiest wench!

Shaqbeard? Do it!

If The Big Aristotle devotes himself to bearding the way The Real Aristotle did, Man Beard Blog will devote 11 consecutive posts on 11 consecutive days to the glory of the Shaqbeard.

Do you hear that, Diesel? I know you've received many honors for basketballing and crime-fighting and weight-loss, but have you ever been featured in 11 consecutive Man Beard Blog posts? That's right. So grow a fucking awesome Shaqbeard and wear it for this whole season.

Man up.

Beard down.

Beard Lords Shine Down On Man Beard Blog (Before We Kill You)

That is a screen cap of Pharyngula featuring an image from 300. In other words, Man Beard PZ is pimping Man Beard Leonidas. That is some highly concentrated Man Beardity. In honor of this event, Man Beard Blog offers this humble poem.



May your beard always bristle.
and your balls always hang low.
May your weapon always drip with fresh blood.
and your blog always be updated with creative brilliance.
May your kings provide you with bounty before you slaughter them
unless your king is King Leonidas, in which case may he slaughter you mercifully.
May every day be like today
where Man Beards love each other freely.

Man Beard Progess: my buddy Dave

The Brice Lord continues making progress towards Man Beard status. As has been previously reported, he has shown signs of strength in several Man Beard categories, including beardedness, artistic creativity, and fag-stomping (his Moroccan boyfriend is often covered in bruises).

Now, a previously unreleased photo reveals that Dave is making noise in another Man Beard discipline, piracy.

Shortly after this picture was taken, Dave killed the guy with his back to the camera with a rusty cutlass and then drank a flaggon of rum. YARRR!!

Look at him, gazing off into the distance across the high seas, booty on the brain no doubt. His drunken, violent outbursts on the high seas are legendary in many coastal townships. Unfortunately it wasn't captured in this picture but the shirtless Sith Lord seated next to him has a wooden peg-leg, so it is clear that Dave keeps company with swarthy sea dogs who might also harness the dark side of the Force while weighing 112 pounds. Piracy-by-association is treated as a valid concept under Man Beard Blog bylaws. There are no existing bylaws regarding Sith-by-association, but the piracy formulation is regarded as solid precedent. Further investigation into Dave's own Lordship might render Sith-by-association a non-issue if Brice Lords are actually an obscure class of Sith Lords.

There have also been quiet rumors that Dave has been involved in a shocking feat of regicidal irrational exuberance. To protect our sources, Man Beard Blog cannot elaborate on the details at this time, however there is rampant speculation that if these rumors are substantiated, Brice Lord could immediately vault himself into the Man Beard pantheon. Stay tuned!

Wheat Grass

I picked up a pamphlet the other day at Robeks, home of fruit smoothies and healthy eats. (Bear with me here.) The pamphlet was all about wheat grass. Do you know about wheat grass? Apparently it is the most amazing substance in the history of matter.

wheat grass
Benefits

Concentrated & Convenient for Use Everyday

• 1oz. is the nutritional equivalent of eating 2.5 lbs. of leafy green vegetables.

Eating 2.5 pounds of plant matter? Who eats that much vegetation? What the fuck am I, a triceratops? How many heads of lettuce do I need?? And how can 1 shotglass of juice be the equivalent? Could I raise a whole herd of zebras on a gallon of this stuff?

Energizes Your Day

• Minimizes fatigue - usually caused by poor diet
• Recharges your body - fewer hours of sleep necessary

That's right! Drink 1 shot of this juice (or eat 2.5 pounds of spinach) and you'll never need coffee again. Drink 5 shots and you'll only have to sleep 30 minutes per week.

Maintains Your Body at Peak Levels

• Improves digestion and elimination of food
• Assists with natural weight loss
• Slows cell degeneration by adding oxygen to your blood
• Adds calcium - helps arthritis and muscle cramping

I was wondering what "peak levels" would mean, but fortunately they've spelled it out for me: CRAP LIKE A CHAMPION! CRAP SO MUCH YOU LOSE WEIGHT! Also it makes your cells immortal and lets you run an entire triathlon without getting tired. I can't keep up commenting on every line, so here's the rest:

Cleansing for Your Body

• Increases strength by rejuvenating poor-quality blood
• Increases mental clarity and calms nerves (amino acids)

Rejuvenates & Restores

• Increases overall health of your skin, teeth, eyes, muscles and joints
• Stimulates hair growth
• Enhances luster in hair
• Increases function of heart, intestines, lungs and reproductive organs
• Stimulates and regenerates the liver
• Aids in healing cuts and bruises

Helps Fight Disease & Sickness

• Bolsters immune system - strengthens internal defenses
• Contains anti-cancer agents including abscisic acid
• Supports the natural repair of DNA
• Detoxifies pollutants that have entered the body
• Combats ulcers

This is just endless entertainment. Obviously they're trying to say that it will help flush the weed out of your system if you have to take a drug test next week. And there's an absurd stoned quality to the whole thing. Like the way they throw "amino acids" in there parenthetically, or how after listing how wheat grass will restore functioning of every vital organ in your body (and might even reanimate a corpse) they tack on that it will help cuts and bruises. It is kind of like listing the exotic and high-tech features in a luxury car and then throwing "AM/FM radio" at the end of the list.

Take a minute and review all of the claims that are made about wheat grass. A tiny sip of this shit will send your cancer into remission, reverse your baldness, and burn off that beer gut. You'll learn jujitsu, never get a cold, and your genitals will swell to three times their previous size (in a good way). And that's only the front page of the pamphlet! On the back it tells you that external use will heal the chicken pox, kill bacteria, combat athlete's foot, cure dandruff, and tighten up that loose skin around your neck.

Is wheat grass the Man Beard of dietary supplements? It seems god-like in power, plus it makes your testicles work better. I think the fine print confirms it:

The statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent disease.

The mighty Man Grass Wheat Beards care not for the authorities and their attempts at regulation! All these breathless claims without a shred of evidence? I've never seen so much irrational exuberance! And "not intended to cure disease" now? Obviously they won't let intentions get in the way of their artistic integrity, and so they can feel free to continue claiming to cure malaria, herpes, and Down Syndrome.

Man Beard Wheat Grass. Beautiful.

Fear not, Man Beard Lovers!

We've been flooded with concern recently about the lack of updates. Have patience dear readers! Championship quality beard blogging doesn't always happen on a predictable schedule, but inspiration is never more than a whisker away. While it is hard to precisely forecast the future of a world-altering project like the Man Beard Blog, I can say with 100% confidence that you will be able to enjoy plenty of bearded goodness here for centuries to come.

ZOMG!!1!!

So much bearded goodness in every bite.

Beard pummels 7-foot German man

"The guy is so tough I think his beard could beat up Nowitzki."

Quite right.

NBA Playoffs: Bring out the beard

Is there a better basketball player on the planet right now?

War Nerd is Russian for Man Beard

On a recent expedition to Russia in search of Moscow Man Beards, while shifting through the pierogis and snow and shit, we stumbled upon what might be the greatest Man Beard tribute ever published outside of the sacred confines of Man Beard Blog. Written by an American who calls himself War Nerd, Saddam Died Beautiful says just about everything I've ever wanted to say about the Glorious Iraqi Man Beard.

Saddam told the ski-mask monkeys they weren't real men. And he had the right to say that too. Call him what you want, but Saddam was a man, a real man. One of the last. To me, watching that execution was like watching Planet of the Apes: a bunch of de-evolved primates killing the last man. Saddam looked like the 20th century in that overcoat and hat. He'd lost weight in prison. Never flinched, not once. You try that: going to the gallows with your blood enemies screaming insults at you. See if you can hold your bladder, never mind answer back as fast and calm as he did.

Can I get a beard scratch for the War Nerd? We were just writing about this a few days ago, only now we find out that this exiled American in Moscow has already done it! It's funny though; here's a guy who has just about everything figured out, except the only thing he doesn't mention is Saddam's beard. Weird. It's almost like the actual beard doesn't matter.... I know, that's crazy!

Sure, Saddam was a killer. Don't you get it by now? In a place like Iraq, killing is how you run things... Blaming Saddam for being what he was is like blaming a rattlesnake for killing.

Hell yes! Man Beards don't fucking cuddle up next to you like a fucking Tony Blair puppy. They bite the hand that is in front of their mouth, whether it feeds them or not. They don't give a shit what you think about that. Neither did Saddam. He was a brutal killing machine. He was a Man Beard.

This War Nerd needs to be part of Man Beard Blog. I can't imagine him existing outside of our alternate reality:

We did Saddam an accidental favor in return by giving him a rare old-school death. Maybe that's not important for some of you moral-types but it would be to my heroes. It would matter to John Paul Jones, it would matter to Alexander, it would matter to Subotai, and it matters to me. I wish I could have a death like that. Instead I'll die the same way you will, tubes coming out of my fat carcass, leaning over to watch the cardio beeper zig when it's supposed to zag, scared out of my head and ashamed to look down at this civilian belly hyperventilating its last chickenshit breaths.

Not Saddam. We may not have meant to, but we showed him the ultimate respect. And he deserved it. He's wherever the real men go; where Pancho Villa went, and Patton, and Richthofen. Not heaven, but someplace way, way better.

Not only does War Nerd understand that Saddam died like a true Man Beard, he also know his own limitations and failings. We here at Man Beard Blog have never claimed to be Man Beards, nor would we. So when all you pussies come on here and start talking shit like you're so much better than us, you don't know who you're dealing with. We're Man Beard Blog, and he's the War Nerd, and you're a fucking anonymous commenter on our blog. Stop shaving and go slaughter a few thousand people and then get back to us.

Secondary Man Beard Characteristics

We all know the list of things that make you a Man Beard:

• beards (this is #1)
• putting women in their place
• irrational exuberance
• regicide
• divinity
• stomping queers
• testicles
• artistic creativity
• piracy

Here are some other traits that have a high correlation with Man Beardness:

• Wealth - The Man Beard is a powerful figure, and money is the official scorecard of power. Consequently, many Man Beards amass great personal fortunes, often through conquest, plunder, and album sales.
  
• Muscles - The power of the Man Beard often is as physical as the beard itself. King Leonidas sets the Man Beard standard for muscles against which we all shall be judged.
  
• Disdain - Contempt is a Man Beard personality characteristic that was well demonstrated by Saddam Hussein and his beard. Even in his final hour he demonstrated his disdain for lesser men by mocking their inferiority and manlessness. A Man Beard know that he is better than everyone else, and he takes pride in reminding them of that indisputable fact.
  
• Proximity to Breasts - In spite of the importance of putting women in their place, a Man Beard still can't go anywhere without fine ladies begging him for the fruit of his testicles. These harlots are often the objects of a Man Beard's haughty disdain (and sometimes the victims of his violent rage). Any time spent with a woman is time not spent stomping queers; Man Beards have their priorities straight.
  

Happy Birthday Alec Baldwin('s Chest Hair)

Alec Baldwin might not be a Man Beard (although a commitment to facial hair would give him a strong resume), but he has still earned the respect of Man Beard Blog with his awe-inspiring contributions to the world of chest hair.

Just look at it! Magnificent.

Today, April 3, is his birthday, so Man Beard Blog has composed a poem in his honor. This isn't the least bit gay, rather it is a manifestation of irrational exuberance and artistic creativity erupting in the spirit of Baldwinism.

Ode to Alec Baldwin

Oh my dear Alec,
Your chest hair so thick
And with soulful eyes!

Grim Baldwin Lord
A visage of wisdom,
Manly, proud. Forthright.

An enigma, though
Solvable by few:
Those who know thee truly.

Shine on eternal;
Share with us your wit;
Your love sets us free.

Man Beard News - fear the bearded!

Man Beard Pirate Professor PZ Myers is on yet another deicidal rampage. Man Beard Blog has concluded that PZ is likely attempting to usurp God as the universe's supreme supernatural force, possibly in an effort to raise his Leonidas score (yet to be formally unveiled) by increasing his divinity factor.

---

Man Beard Man-Child Baller Greg Oden fell short in his quest to become the youngest bearded starting Ohio State center to win the national championship this decade, but only because his beardless teammates weren't able to match his manly efforts. Oden scored 87 points, grabbed 45 rebounds, and blocked 32 shots in a losing effort. Because in sports you're only as strong as your weakest link, Florida was lucky that the rules required Ohio State to field 5 players at all times, otherwise Oden would have played 1 on 5 and easily won the day.

---

Man Beard Anti-Semite Mel Gibson has taken his irrational exuberance to Denmark, where some low-life beer brewer tried to stifle Gibson's artistic creativity by naming a beer after his movie Braveheart. No word on whether the brewer was a dirty Jew like all of Gibson's other enemies.

---

Speaking of hating Jews, Man Beard Jew King Jesus will be brutally tortured to death this Friday only to come back to life on Sunday. Hooray! Wait, or did that happened in some book from a million years ago but people think it was real? Sometimes we get confused. Either way, Jesus stomps queers big time!

Championships!

Let there be BEARD!

mustache manslap

Don't bring a terrible mustache and an inferior comprehension of basketball to the Basketbawful blog, cause they'll fucking manslap the shit out of you.

Mustaches are like the retarded cousins of beards, though there are some exceptions. The intern might have more to say on this topic.

For the love of Man Beard Blog

Man Beard Blog getting some love:

• Man Beard Biologist PZ Myers
• Investigators of Man Beard Cyclist Floyd Lanis, Trust But Verify
• confused blogger percyprune
• confusing blog Spitting Image
  

Man Beard News

Let's take a break from King Leonidas to report the latest in Man Beard news.

• Aging Man Beard Sean Connery would like to come out of acting retirement to play James Bond's father in the next Bond movie. Man Beard Blog is obviously in full support of this, as long as Chuck Norris stays out of it.

• Man Beard Pirate Biologist PZ Myers has a post about his struggles with full-blown piracy: "We're flying the pirate flag outside of our house, but every time we try to move on to the full pirate phase, we run aground on the fact that she thinks she should be the Cap'n, and then there are the swordfights on the stairs and walking the plank and black spots and mutinous crew, and then Skatje stabs us both in the back and declares herself captain. The pirate lifestyle is not a mellow, casual one that encourages cooperation." Hear, hear!
  

• Georgetown is using the playoff beard to acheive NCAA Tournament success.

• Man Beard Cyclist Floyd Landis continues to insist that his manly organism is all he needs to win.

• Divine Man Beard Jesus has been advocating bong hits, to the dismay of various government officials, who insist that Jesus does not actually encourage drug use. Man Beard Blog takes no position on the matter, but does wish to note that Jesus hates all homosexuals regardless of their marijuana use.
  

Leonidas Beard: all you ever need.

It can get pretty lonely when you're the King Leonidas and you have a million Persians trying to fuck things up for Sparta and nobody but you cares to do a damn thing about it. The priests are all like "ooh don't fight this time" and McNulty from The Wire who you thought was your friend is being sketchy as shit. So you're feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. Then you have to leave your hot wife and your badass wolf-son behind as you march off to certain death. Nobody would blame you for being a little lonely, but luckily you're a Man Beard and this isn't a problem for you.


You've worked really hard to make friends that you'll be taking along with you. They're sweaty and oily and rock hard, and they'll never go behind your back on you, because they're growing out of the front side of your torso, all 18 of them. Some people prefer to go into Bronze Age warfare wearing some kind of armor, but you know better. Your magnificent, rippling friends will protect you better than any cuirass. You can also use them to sharpen your weapons.



Speaking of cuirasses, if you were still feeling lonely for your family and your unprecedentedly chiseled abs aren't adequately comforting you, there is one last option, although standing over 7 feet tall, he's certainly not the least option. Hairless from head to toe (and everywhere in between) and bedecked in jewels, his name is Xerxes and his fingers work magic on your back after a long day of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

He offers himself to you, and the offer might be a little tempting under these trying circumstances. But you're a Man Beard and he's a queer-ass and he leads the mighty Persian Army who wish to claim your kingdom as their own. There is only one kind of relationship you two can have, and it involves you stomping him or meeting your death in the attempt. That's just how it must be.

When it comes right down to it, all the comfort and inspiration and pleasure you'll ever need is right under your nose. Literally. For there sits the greatest beard in all of recorded history, and you are the mightiest Man Beard that ever was or ever will be. The King Leonidas Beard is the best friend you could ever have, and all you'll ever truly need.

THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!
THIS is my MAN BEARD!

Beard + Science = HalfBeard

Wow. Thanks to reader Mox for pointing out this stunning example of irrationally exuberant Beard Science. Needless to say, Man Beard Blog salutes this emerging discipline, and commends this gentleman on his fine contributions.



He gets special recognition for this gem (emphasis added):

Although I've determined that it felt warmer with a beard, no analytical tests were performed. I did not determine skin temperatures. It is quite possible that I had only thought I felt warmer. I suggest that a better test would be to shave half a person's beard off, but not tell them which half. This would give a fairer test of warmth.

Quite right. The integrity of the experiment demands that the subject be unaware of the variables being tested, thus avoiding any potential beard-bias. My only improvement on this would be that the experimenter would also have to be unaware which side of the person's face was shaved, or if the face is shaved at all. This would best be accomplished by recruiting a few dozen beards and hiring an impartial third party to randomly shave the left side of 25% of the beards, the right side of 25%, the entire beard of 25%, and none of the remaining 25%. The neutral third party shaver and the control groups of full-beards and no-beards make it completely impossible for the subjects or the experimenters to know which sides are shaved, insuring that the experiment is perfectly double-beard-blind. It is important that neither the subjects nor the shaver be a Man Beard, since this would a present an obvious conflict of interests and a potential source of bias.

If anyone conducts this experiment, Man Beard Blog will gladly publish your results. Onward Beard Science!

Man Beard Blog Heat Check!

Search Terms (Man Beard Blog's Google rank):

"beard blog" (#2)
"testicles beard" (#1)
"men with beards blog" (#3)
"beard not growing in straight" (#2)
"female bodygroom" (#3)
"how to grow a beard if you're asian" (#5)
"300 spartan beards" (#4)
"gerard butler beard" (#1)
"gerard butler beard 300" (#7)
"character analysis, king leonidas" (#6)
"leonidas beard" (#1)

World beard domination is within our reach!

Critics Gush: "Man Beard!"

Star Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera), playing ubër-male King Leonidas, fares as well as anyone can
- Annie Frisbie

Here stands the Spartan king Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 299 buddies in nothing but leather man-panties and oiled torsos, clutching a variety of phalluses they seek to thrust in the bodies of their foes by trapping them in a small, rectum-like mountain passage called the “gates of hell(o!)”
- Nathan Lee of The Voice (as reported on blog@newsarama)

...lots of shots of a sweaty, mostly unclad Gerard Butler sporting his magnificent beard while he's kicking some Persian ass
- april

But by Zeus, this is a ripping yarn, told with limb-rending gusto, an iconic ancient battle....

Butler, in a career-making performance of Russell Crowe dimensions, roars pretty much every line that isn't pillow talk to his stunning and flinty queen (Lena Headey).

"SPARTANS!" he bellows at his phalanx of hoplites.

"Hoooo," they bellow back, crashing spear to shield.

"THIS is where we fight! THIS is where they die!"

I am sorry, but if that line, spat out on a tinted dreamscape (a digital soundstage) version of an ancient Greek pass, doesn't thrill you to the marrow, you need to have your marrow checked...

And Butler, chewing the scenery with a violence that suggests he relished every sit-up, conjures up what Shakespeare's Henry V was talking about when he spoke of those not there for the great battle as men who "shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap."

Don't hold yours cheap. Go, manly movie-lovers, and tell the Spartans that here is a movie worth the popcorn.

- Roger Moore

Man Beard to end all Man Beards: 300's King Leonidas

Last night Man Beard Blog pulled some strings to get invited to attend a pre-release screening of 300. It would be a violation of the Man Beard Code to reveal any spoiler type information, so I'll simply say that there can never be a Man Beard more perfect and glorious than Gerard Butler's King Leonidas. It is as if everything that Man Beard Blog has ever said or accomplished was done simply to prepare for seeing this movie.

Man Beard fury the likes of which has never been seen.

It is probably going to take me a few days to recover from this (Sidenote: Hypothetically, is it a problem if you have an erection that lasts for 15 hours? What if 300 Man Beard Spartans were its inspiration? What if they were being led to war against a million Persians by the single greatest Man Beard in the history of facial hair?). After I calm down, I might have to do an analysis of King Leonidas on the Man Beard Scale, which will have to be specifically invented for the purpose of giving him the perfect Man Beard Score. All other Man Beards will be quantified in relation to him, and they will be given a Leonidas Score, and it will be good.

further evidence

PZ = Pirate = MAN BEARD

Man Beard Prospect: My buddy Dave

Brice Lord seems like he has a bright future ahead of him. I wouldn't say he's a Man Beard yet, but he's got a lot of potential. He's dabbled in bearding in the past, and has demonstrated ample amounts of artistic creativity both on his blog and in his beautiful musical mastery of the guitar.

It seems like he's trying to move into another Man Beard realm, queer-stomping, but it is the opinion of Man Beard Blog that saying something like

my Moroccan boyfriend, Michael, hasn't been too hot on the beard, saying that "it doesn't not look good, you just look better without it" and "it makes you look...older."

is too likely to be perceived as "gay friendly" by the average reader, even though its sarcastic homo-bashing undertones are obvious to a more intelligent audience. But young Brice Lord shouldn't be discouraged. We know he was just trying to imitate the sophistication he's seen here at Man Beard Blog. What he has to keep in mind is that the typical Man Beard Blog reader is way fucking smarter than the typical reader of his little blog, so he has to dumb that shit down accordingly.

That criticism aside, we like the way things are going for my buddy Dave. We also appreciate the way he demonstrated his attentiveness to the recent Man Beard lesson and didn't beg to be added as a Man Beard, but simply requested acknowledgement. Man Beard Blog has always been and will always be happy to herald the bearding accomplishments of those sympathetic to our cause. Keep up the good work, Brice Lord!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MAN BEARD FURY!!!

The only appropriate response should involve some form of righteous fury, much butt-kicking, and the public firing of some teachers, many school board members, and vast numbers of sleazy, far-right politicians … I say, screw the polite words and careful rhetoric. It's time for scientists to break out the steel-toed boots and brass knuckles, and get out there and hammer on the lunatics and idiots.

That's what I'm talking about! Those are the fighting words of a regicidal Man Beard!

Some of you here at Man Beard Blog weren't familiar with PZ Myers when I first enshrined him as a Man Beard, but he is not someone to be overlooked. He commands a powerful army of God-killers and he's been known to lend support to piracy as well.

How not to be a Man Beard

A few days ago someone named Bird Advocate left a few comments (here and here). They were a little awkward and somewhat confrontational, but Man Beard Blog decided to go easy on him. But subsequent events, which will be explained later, have made it necessary to make a lesson of this sad and lonely avian enthusiast. And so I give you:

How Not To Be a Man Beard
The case of Bird Advocate/Scooter

1.) Do not question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. This only makes you look stupid and weak and beardless.

2.) Do not, under any circumstances, question or criticize Man Beard Blog or its authors. We are Man Beard Blog, and you are not. Get that straight right now.

3.) Don't beg Man Beard Blog to include you. What kind of self-respecting Man Beard whines and snivels about not being listed on a crappy internet web log? I'll remind you of the way an original Man Beard approached this:

When you've not only been blessed with a salt-and-pepper masterpiece, but you've also been a member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, you don't politely ask to be included on the Man Beard List. You demand to be listed, and if your demands are not met, you simply slaughter your way to the top. That is the Michael McDonald way.

4.) After being softly chided, don't come back and try to post yet another criticism of Man Beard Blog, and definitely don't accidentally post that criticism under your alternate blogger name, and when you realize that you posted under the wrong name, don't draw attention to your mishap by trying to erase it, and don't let people realize that you have a "team" blog where the other "team member" is just you posting under a different name, and most especially don't let your alternate blogger identity be a woman. Stupid non-Man Beards don't seem to realize that blogger can automatically email me when someone posts a comment, even if they later delete it:

Scooter has left a new comment on your post "The Man Beard that never was":

I have yet to see pictures of your beards. I would think it logical to believe it would take a man with an awesome beard to know what to look for in another's beard.
I personally haven't spent much effort or expense in the cultivation of my current crop, but I am still rather proud of it.
My beard has already been published and registered on several international sites, so it's not like it has been ignored.

This is just a sad situation, and I hope Bird Scooter someday resolves his/her sexual identity crisis and makes some friends, but there is no doubt that Man Beard Blog emerges victorious as always.

PZ Man Beard

PZ Myers sports a sturdy professorial beard and poses with ferocious cartoon beasts (see image).



When he's not waging war for science or romancing cephalopods, he intelligently designs mad deicide machines and then blogs all over his pathetic victims. His artistic creativity manifests itself both by inspiring others and by his tasteful decorating style.

He deserves a better introduction, and soon he shall have it, but for now let us simply celebrate... PZ Myers: MAN BEARD!

Who is a Man Beard? NOT YOU!

There has been nothing but silence in response to our impassioned plea for assistance, and that silence speaks volumes about the irrational exuberance of our readership. Man Beard Blog is hereby issuing a resounding "FUCK YOU" to all of its readers, not one of whom could ever possibly be a Man Beard. If you are reading this, you're a hairless, rationally restrained, artistically stunted mortal, and you can go suck a choad.

At this point it would take a miraculous bearded act of Jesus or Michael McDonald, specifically one of them actually reading this blog, to overturn this official (and staggeringly self-defeating) condemnation of our own audience.

Man Beard Blog needs your help!

Man Beard Blog has been out in the world for well over 35 years now, and as such, we feel it is time to be recognized. Certainly no other blog has covered Man Beards with such dedication, passion, respect, arousal, devotion, and zeal.

And yet, when I search Wikipedia for "Man Beard," I find no entry. Man Beards deserve a Wikipedia entry. I'd correct this travesty myself, but there seems to be a prominent mandate ("things to avoid" section) urging against such action. So ,whoever creates a lasting entry for Man Beards will instantly be given the right to bestow Man Beard status upon a person of his own choosing (including himself).

Things to keep in mind:

• Follow the rules! It might not be the Man Beard way, but sometimes you have to bow down before a greater power (so you can stab them in the back later).
  
• Wikipedia values 3rd party references, which might be a bit of a weakness for Man Beard Blog. Be creative!
• Link ... to ... other ... Man ... Beard ... issues!
  

WHEW!!

It turns out that Nancy Pelosi is not a pirate.

This is an extremely fortunate turn of events, because if a gay-loving grandmother in her late 60s was actually a pirate, I'm pretty sure Man Beard Blog would have violently exploded.

Man Beard role model

Tim Hardaway is also safe!

Operation Stomp the NBA

John Amaechi is out and now nobody is safe except for Baller Man Beards like LeBron James, Bill Walton, Scott Pollard, Zydrunas Ilguaskas, Phil Jackson, Greg Oden, and Pau Gasol. The rest of the league is suspect. How many of them are queer, trying to destroy family values with their radical homosexist agenda!!?

I think it is time for Man Beards to wage some preemptive queer-stomping war against ballers who almost certainly have secret WMDs (Wanting of Massive Dongs).


John Starks? British intelligence said he went 2 for 18 from the field the night after his boyfriend broke up with him. STOMP!



Kwame Brown? After he tried to get uranium from Africa, this #1 draft pick couldn't handle the pressure of his secret life (and he is "friends" with Osama). STOMP!



Jeff Foster? Makes sex eyes at every man he sees, including Muslims like the ones who hijacked planes. STOMP!


Dwayne Wade? Damon Jones? No two dudes can walk around together looking this dapper unless they are having sex with each other, and if you disagree you must be a homo-supporter who hates America. DOUBLE-STOMP!

Piracy

Piracy is a Man Beard trait that hasn't been much discussed here at Man Beard Blog, but please don't think that makes it unimportant to us. To help you understand the connection, please conduct the following 3-step thought experiment, which should take about 15 seconds:

1. Close your eyes and relax your mind.
2. Picture a pirate. (If it helps, say "AAAARRRRRRR!!" while picturing your pirate.)
3. Picture 2 more pirates standing next to the first pirate. (If it helps, imagine them greeting each other with "Avast, me matey!" or "Shiver me timbers!"

So how did it go? Do you have the picture? How does it look? Well unless you're fucking retarded and know nothing at all about pirates, your mental picture included beards (approximately two to five). Pirates love beards.

Your picture also included most of the following:

• muskets
• cutlasses
• daggers
• pistols
• cannons
  
• bottles of rum, whiskey, and grog
  
• various forms of tobacco
• saucy wenches, filthy prostitutes, and terrified rape victims
  

This demonstrates that pirates love regicidal warfare and irrationally exuberant drunken debauchery that puts women in their place, and as a result have an ample number of:

• hooks for hands
• wooden peg-legs
• eye patches
• missing teeth
  
• scars
• skulls
  

Your image also might include some flamboyant attire or a parrot companion, demonstrating the underrated artistic creativity of your average pirate.

What this thought experiment demonstrates is that piracy is highly correlated with several other Man Beard traits. Being a pirate is about more than just being in a group of bearded people and it is more than a richly rewarding career or an enviable lifestyle choice (though it certainly is all of those things). Piracy is a kind of Man-Beardness, and because of that it follows that piracy is Man Beardness*.


*If you're struggling with this concept, think of it this way: Regicide is a kind of homicide, therefor regicide is homicide. Similarly, as all homicide is not necessarily regicide, all Man Beards are not necessarily pirates. Here it should be further noted that piracy is not a higher form of Man Beard-ness, just an unranked subgroup within the Man Beard realm, whereas regicide is a higher form of homicide, and deicide a higher form of regicide. The homicide-regicide-deicide continuum is like every other Man Beard trait, where more extreme versions of the trait are more Man Beardly (bigger testicles, more fag-stomping, more divine, etc). So while pirates aren't a higher ranking group within the Man Beard world, those who are more piratey (like a drunk bearded toothless guy with 2 peg legs, a hook, and a parrot) are higher Man Beards.

Feline Man Beard!?

Walt claims to own a Man Beard Cat. I'm not sure if Man Beard status can apply to a non-human, although there are probably some Man Beard chimps and gorillas out there. But can Man Beard extend beyond the primates? I doubt it, but this is a strong case:

my cat may not be a normal man-cat. he may be a man-beard-cat. although not a proper beard, he does have a downwards-pointing triangle of white fur amidst all the black at the top of his chest right under his mouthb. he puts bitches in their place by making my girlfriend pick up his shit. his attempts to commit regicide are well-documented, through his several attempts to trip me on the stairway, and the one time he knocked a rather large wall mirror over onto my head. irrational exuberance is covered basically by being losing his damn mind as soon as anyone either wakes up or comes home. unfortunately, he takes a big hit in the categories of queer stomping and testicles, since he doesn't know what a queer is and is neutered. i'm also not so sure how artistic creativity and divinity could be applied to a cat.

Will Ferrell's world of facial hair

The utterly preposterous bleach-beard goatee, as worn in Zoolander

Bill Simmons list of the most underrated things about Anchorman includes:
"Burgundy's fake mustache. It's just a little off -- like maybe 1/10th tilted, like they spent an entire day in the makeup room tinkering with it before deciding, "All right, we got it, that's sufficiently ridiculous!""

The audacity! The cockiness! The unrestrained sex-appeal of the Ricky Bobby flavor-saver and sideburns.

A professorial beard, the better for making sweet love to Rachel Dratch, his lovah.

In the exalted history of impersonation facial hair, this beautiful offering comes the closest to revealing to all of humanity exactly what God must have seen on the seventh day of creation, when he looked down and saw that it was good. Will Ferrell you are a DELIGHT!! ... What is your favorite curse word?

I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson! (The cock of the walk, baby!) And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell. (I gotta have more cowbell, baby!) ...and I'll be doing myself a disservice and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this. (Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!) Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell.

beard powerhouses

Man Beard Blog has traditionally emphasized the bearding achievements of individuals, but today we'd like to pay tribute to the top 3 groups of people whose bearded accomplishments are worthy of special admiration.

1. The top spot on any list of group beardery has got to be the Amish. These guys are the total package: devout* bearding for life, their own unique beard style (no mustache!), and they made fine breads and cheeses for sale in local markets. They keep their women pregnant and in the kitchens, and if you need to do something manly like raise a barn on short notice, you'd be wise to call your bearded Amish friend.



2. Al-Qaeda dramatically crashed into the bearding scene in 2001 and they've been making noise ever since. Their lifelong commitment to beardhood is every bit as strong as the Amish, and they even have charismatic bearded leadership, in Osama Bin Laden and Ayman Zawahiri (pictured at right), who have popularized Islamic beardedness like no others. They live in caves, which is manly as fuck, and let us not overlook their talent for putting women in their place (behind dark cloth from head to toe!). Their only weakness is that their young Man Beard prospects tend to have so much irrational exuberance that they sacrifice themselves before achieving mature beard excellence, so they have a depleted farm system of future Man Beards.

3. Those goofy guys with the long twirlies on the sides of their heads are the proud owners of The Chosen Beards. Hasidim have been growing beards since Moses used his beard to part the Red Sea. They could be higher on this list, except that they're always being persecuted because of their beards, which could be interpreted as a sign of weakness within the Man Beard community. Nevertheless, they've used the magical powers of their beards to endure for hundreds of generations.




*The astute reader will not be at all surprised that all of these groups are religious fundamentalists. Divinity is a well-known Man Beard trait; Man Beards manifesting this trait include Jesus, Charles Darwin, and Zeus. Fundamentalists are the most irrationally exuberant lovers and followers of deities, and killers of kings, and thus we would expect to find some powerhouses of bearding within the fundamentalist communities. Praise be to beard!

The Mini-Beard

In response to the assignment from MBB creator adspar, the following is the first in a series intended to provide an introduction into the world of facial hair.

The smallest form of a beard consists of only the hairs directly below the lower lip. In beardom, like in real estate, location is everything. This mini-beard must be below and adjacent to the lips, and not include the upper chin. It must also not extend horizontally more than half way to the edge of the mouth. When this style is worn, the hair should not be larger than the size of a quarter. The shape can vary, but must be geometric. The most popular polygons are the triangle (must be isosceles, but not necessarily equilateral) and the rectangle.

There are many widely accepted names for this beard-ito, with the three most popular being:

Soul patch – named because of its popularity with jazz artists in the middle of the 20th century

Stinger – this applies to triangularly shaped beards pointed down (as seen on WSOP winner Joseph Hachem)

Flavor saver – usually intended as an insult, implying that it will trap unwanted debris, like food

The mini-beard is not regarded highly by MBB. It is dark and mysterious, often giving a shady connotation. The root of this swarthiness lies in the mini-beard itself. Not everyone with facial hair is able to grow enough hair in the mini-beard region. Some highly regarded facial hair experts loathe mini-beards, as they feel that exploiting this ability is evil.

Not surprisingly, the mini-beard is most commonly used by individuals who hold themselves in high regard. More specifically, people who think they are better looking than they really are. It is important to understand that for this reason a mini-beard is not a man beard.

Let's get a few things straight

If you're new to this site, there's something you should know right up front. Man Beard Blog doesn't fuck around with any kind of blogging that isn't about Men, Beards, Man Beards, Beard Blogs, Man Blogs, or Man Beard Blogs. What else would you expect Man Beard Blog to blog about?

Women blog about fucking kitchens and their periods and how they don't have testicles. Don't expect that bullshit here. Man Beards put those bitches in their place, and Man Beard Blog documents it.

Queers blog about homo stuff like their new mustache and how much they love men and man genitals. Don't be coming here thinking you'll get any of that. Man Beards stomp them and Man Beard Blog glorifies it.

Poor people blog about how they don't have any money and how hungry they are. Go back to sleeping in the fucking gutter if you want a hot spoonful of that porridge. Man Beards amass great personal wealth by using their artistic creativity to inspire the penniless fools to make more of their pathetic lives. Then Man Beards eat the impoverished hearts out of their emaciated chests while Man Beard Blog cackles in glee!

Man Beard Blog blogs about piracy, a trait common to the fearsome Man Beards of the sea. YARR!!

Man Beard Blog documents the regicidal achievements of Man Beards, and then cheers their subsequent ascent to a status of eternal divinity. Praise their glory forever!

Man Beard Blog offers testicles, the swollen gonads common to the virile scrotums of many mammalian species. Suck them!

Man Beard: Charles Darwin

Of all the great historical scientific Man Beards, Charles Darwin is by far the one this post is about. Darwin is a prime exhibit of 3 primary Man Beard characteristics, any one of which by itself would have likely earned him Man Beard status:

1. Beards: Darwin is famous for his bushy Old Man Beard. Take a few minutes to gaze at the picture of Darwin. Drink in his flowing white evolutionary goodness; such bearded magesty should be savored.
   
2. Regicide: Darwin killed God with the release of his 1859 masterpiece, On the Origin of Species, which proposed evolution by common descent as the natural explanation of the diversity of life on earth. Since deicide is the ultimate form of regicide, Darwin's accomplishment ranks high among the all time Man Beard accomplishments.
3. Divinity: Darwin was the earthly founder and is the central character of worship of followers of Darwinism, a faith-based scientific religion to which most modern biologists adhere. They proclaim Darwin as their own personal god, who answers their theories with evolutionary fact.

Darwin might also have a claim to other Man Beard traits. It seems highly likely that Darwin also possessed testicles of unusual size, given that he fathered at least 10 legitimate children, though Man Beard Blog has been unable to obtain access to his autopsy report to validate this claim. It could also be argued that his theory of evolution is a manifesto of queer-stomping because it proves that queers are an evolutionary dead end. But many modern experts of evolution point out that the very existence of modern homosexuals disproves Darwin, so let's just avoid that subject. We're not here to trample the man's grave, we're here to celebrate his beard and his Man Beard induction!

Next assignment for the intern

What we're all about here is summed up in our simple equation:

MAN + BEARD + BLOG = MAN BEARD BLOG.

That's all there is to it. We're a simple site, in that our profound greatness grows out of a simple concept, like whiskers from a chin.

Up to this point, I've operated the blog with a preference for proclaiming the glory and exploring the nuance of the Man Beard. My equation has looked more like "Man Beard + Blog = Man Beard Blog." Man Beards are the most interesting kind of man, and they wear the most interesting beards, but in fairness, there's a whole world of beards out there, and not all of them are growing forth from the face of a Man Beard.

This is where Brian comes in. Brian, an established facial hair enthusiast, has been brought on board to help restore balance to the MAN BEARD BLOG equation, by blogging about beards.

So go forth, young intern, Brian the Bard of Beard, and regale us with tales of bearded glory, bearded woe, bearded love, and bearded heartbreak. Massage us with a mustache; goad us with a goatee; scorch us with sideburns; choke us with a chinstrap. Shave, scratch, prune, polish, wax, brush, comb and shampoo us all in a barber-ous fury of beard blogging!

Farewell to a Mighty Man Beard

While it is always a sad time here at MAN BEARD BLOG when the world loses a prominent Man Beard, we take some solace knowing that Saddam Hussein died in a Man Beard frenzy that will not soon be forgotten.

While weak-minded, smooth-faced, heavily-hyphenated cry-babies complain that the affair was not a "dignified passage to his end" and worry about petty details like execution not being "legal" under Iraqi law, MAN BEARD BLOG knows that this was the only way out for a Man Beard of Saddam's stature.

Just try to imagine the scene: dozens of screaming blood-thirsty Arabs, most of them likely adorned with thick black and grey beards, united in irrationally exuberant regicidal fervor. What more could a Man Beard want for his own hanging?

Saddam Hussein
Brutal Iraqi Dictator, Man Beard
1937 - 2006

In his final moments, Saddam asked "Is this how real men behave?" But I think he knew full well that his executioners were no mere men.

They were Man Beards.